We’ve all said things to our teenage daughters that we don’t believe or condone. We’re just repeating the advice of past generations, and, let’s face it, nothing that’s going on in 21st-century adolescent culture is quite what it was.

Here are some of the things I’m vowing to stop saying to my teenage daughter and what I’m going to try instead.

What I say: It doesn’t matter what people think.

It does matter, to her. A lot. Psychologists have identified a phenomenon known as the spotlight effect, which seems to be particularly strong during the teenage years. This means that our teens genuinely believe that everyone notices every little mistake they make and that this colors their peers’ long-term opinions of them.

What to say instead: What do you think about most often?

As Samuel Johnson once said: “If any man would consider how little he dwells upon the condition of others, he would learn how little the attention of others is attracted by himself.”

Quoting Samuel Johnson to your teen is more likely to get you a condescending eye roll than a grateful epiphany, but it’s true that most of us are far too busy worrying about things that directly affect us to focus on what others are doing.

It may help your teen put things in perspective when she considers the fact that she only obsesses about her mistakes and embarrassments, not other people’s. So it’s unlikely that anyone else thought twice about that embarrassing incident in English class today unless it also impacted them.

What I say: It doesn’t matter how you look.

This is a lie. In high school and middle school, it does matter how you look. It shouldn’t, but it does. It matters how you dress. Hair and make-up matter. Weight matters. Girls talk about this stuff. Even to each other’s faces (and even more behind each other’s backs).

Teenage girls are brutal. They point out a pimple or a fashion faux-pas just because it’s there. So looks do matter.

What to say instead: You’re gorgeous. And it’s irrelevant.

Our daughters aren’t stupid. They know we’re biased. They don’t take our assurances that they’re gorgeous that seriously, but they still need to hear them. They also need to hear that their gorgeousness does not define them.  They need to hear positive praise unrelated to their looks.

They need to hear they’re smart or funny or lovable. They need to hear the same compliments we pay their brothers. They need specific and accurate compliments, so they recognize their genuine strengths and learn to play to them and be proud of them.

Part of our job in raising strong young women is teaching them both that they are beautiful and that their beauty is a small, unimportant part of who they are. It’s convincing them to feel attractive and to know that what’s on the inside is what matters.

It’s letting them know that yes, the sad fact is, looks do matter, even after the teen years. People continue to judge others by their physical appearance long after high school. But other things matter more. Much more.

What I say: Good grades are really important.

There are times in life when good grades will help you, and there are times when courage, resourcefulness, resilience, and common sense will help a whole lot more.

It’s natural to want and encourage academic success for our daughters, but we’re putting more and more pressure on them to get good grades in a world where long-term success and happiness don’t rely solely on doing well in school.

What to say instead: What do you want to do?

Maybe good grades are important to your daughter’s future career plans, but maybe you’re making assumptions that simply aren’t true. Start with your daughter’s ambitions and help her reverse-engineer a resume that will work for her instead of simply focusing on academic prowess.

Volunteer work, extra-curricular activities, and making connections (sometimes it really is about who you know) may be more valuable than top-notch grades. Encourage your teen to reach out to someone successful in the industry she wants to work in so she can ask what she should be doing now to help her succeed in the future.

Remember teenage girls are prone to frequent U-turns and the occasional whim. Help her identify opportunities that will lend themselves to adaption if she decides to change course along the way.

What I say: He’s mean to you because he likes you.

I don’t say this, but I hear it a lot. This is a common example of how we say something to our daughters that’s more about repeating what we were told as a child rather than telling them something we truly believe.

We tell our daughters this from an early age. A boy who pushed her over in the playground did it to get attention because he likes her. A boy in high school singled her out for (negative) attention because he has a crush on her.

There are any number of reasons boys may be mean to our daughters, but we all know that deep down, functional human beings aren’t unpleasant to people they like. And if they are, they probably need help, not an intimate relationship with someone who’s been told that that’s OK.

What to say instead: It’s not about you.

People’s behavior is related to their character, issues, or current frame of mind. One of the most valuable things we can learn as women and human beings is that most things are not about us. A few things are. But most aren’t.

What I say: These are the best days of your life.

This is another cliché adults have been telling teens for years. You’re old enough to go out and have fun. Your parents are still paying your bills. These are times when you have few pressures or responsibilities. Enjoy them. Be grateful.

This may have been true a generation or two ago. But modern-day teens have a rough ride. They’re dealing with scary levels of anxiety and a whole different set of issues. Their levels of depression are high and getting higher. Studies show that the best years of our lives probably come along much later.

What to say instead: It gets better.

It really does. And until it does, I’m here for you. Tell me what you need to get through the teen years. I’ll do my best to help make it happen.

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This post was written by Karen Banes exclusively for BonBon Break Media LLC.

The post Things to Stop Saying to your Teenage Daughter (and What to Say Instead) first appeared on BonBon Break.

Soooo some of these are big companies with a trial period for free, but there are lots of options to get all of you through this time.

Fitness for Kids of All Ages

ReFit Dance Fitness
https://www.youtube.com/user/ReFitRev 
Zumba type classes, but basic moves

ABC Stronger
https://www.abcstronger.com/stronger-kids
Free live online classes for kids via Zoom 

Les Mills for Kids – Born to Move
https://watch.lesmillsondemand.com/born-to-move       
First 14 days free, then $14.99 a month. All age groups. When it comes to learning a whole lot of cool moves from dance, martial arts and yoga this class is the way to go. Each 20 or 40-minute class is jam-packed with cool music and foundation fitness moves and fun games. This is sure to leave the kids (and parents) feeling great!

Beach Body on Demand
https://www.beachbodyondemand.com/programs/beachbody-yoga-studio/overview
14 days free then 3 months for $39 – a variety of workouts. Yoga, PiYo, P90X, and more.

Teen Fitness Class: Innovation Dance
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_xIjqcXFFU  
Teens – come and work out with Ella! Make the most of this break by keeping your fitness levels HIGH!

PopSugar Fitness Video Collection
https://www.youtube.com/user/popsugartvfit/videos  

BonBon Break Yoga Series Collection
https://www.bonbonbreak.com/tag/yoga/

Kim Saha Videos – Family Fitness, Pilates, Teen Classes
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXgoMN9MAU2U3rLMLWUWdJA/videos 

Soccer Training

Reel Time Coaching
https://est.reeltimecoaching.com/programs/free-weekly-training-program/

Beast Mode Soccer
https://beastmodesoccer.com
Beast Mode’s role is simple: They take rec, club or virtually any player who is not satisfied with their game, and give them all the tools and knowledge they need to achieve their soccer goals.

Coerver South Carolina https://www.facebook.com/coervercoaching.southcarolina/

Joner 1-on-1 Futball Training
https://www.facebook.com/Joner1on1/

Eddie Johnson Instagram
https://www.instagram.com/eddie_johnson7/
Daily tips and drills to help you sharpen your skills.

We will be adding to this page as resources roll in. Do you have one to add? Leave the link here.

• 6 Ways to Wear a Scarf with Your Favorite Fall Outfits
• 6 Benefits of a Gratitude Practice
• How to Green Your Wardrobe
• Yoga Apps for Beginners
• Best Yoga Equipment for Beginners

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The post Fitness for Teens during Quarantine first appeared on BonBon Break.

As girls enter the tween and teen years, this widening gulf can seem particularly great between mothers and daughters. How can we stay connected to our girls as they navigate the often tricky path of adolescence?

Here are five ways to keep your tween and teen daughters close on those days you feel you are growing apart:

#1: Connect without words. During adolescence, words often drive us further apart, can sometimes be misconstrued or can just add to the “noise” in all our lives. Give her a hug or a pat on the shoulder to tell her you care without saying anything. Touch can send her a powerful set of messages: I’m here. I see you. I love you.

#2: Write her a love note. We all need encouragement, our girls included. Put a loving note in her backpack, her lunchbox, in her toothbrush holder, in her underwear drawer, on her pillow or in another location you know she will see it. With all our busy schedules, we can miss each other in those hectic hours after school. When she is feeling empty, as many girls do during this tumultuous stage in their lives, kind words can fill her up and encourage her to come to you for support when she needs it.

#3: Listen more. Look her in the eyes and ask her, “What’s on your mind?” and give her your undivided attention as she answers. Try to avoid thinking about what you are going to say next or what advice you might give her. Many times she doesn’t need an opinion, a solution, a judgment but rather just to be heard. As she has the chance to reflect (which doesn’t happen often for any of us), she gets to know herself better and grows more confident. If asking about her day doesn’t go over well, try asking her, “What’s wrong with adults?” and see what she has to say. You might learn a lot!

#4: Spend time with her. Surprise her with something she would like, whether it’s taking her out to lunch during the school day or telling her it’s time to go to tutoring but taking her to get ice cream instead. If something spontaneous isn’t in the cards, ask her to come up with something fun to do together and try to make it a regular “date”. Keep your digital distractions at bay when you are together by putting your phone on silent and away so you can enjoy each other’s company.

#5: Lighten up. One of the reasons our girls seem so stressed is that everything seems high-stakes, whether it’s making the volleyball team, getting a part in the school play or acing the physics test. Help her be more lighthearted by bringing more play and fun into your family life. Laugh at her jokes. Use your sense of humor. Make fun of yourself. Be willing to look silly or ridiculous. Show her that not everything is a big deal. Being a kid (and an adult) is supposed to be fun!

Even from a distance, it’s awe-inspiring to see our girls discover the unique and special people they are becoming, right in front of our eyes.

READ THIS NEXT:

• 3 Tips to Get Kids to Stop Waking the Whole Family
• The Mommy Mirror
• Not a Pinterest Mom, Just a Recovering Crafter

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This post was written by Barb Steinberg exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC

The post 5 Ways to Connect With Your Tween / Teen Daughter first appeared on BonBon Break.

The post How to Talk to Teens About Dealing with Online Predators first appeared on BonBon Break.

“To the young boys in my neighborhood who got busted throwing eggs at houses, what the heck is wrong with you? Why can’t parents teach their kids respect today? How could they not teach these hoodlums better?”

I cringed in the front seat of my minivan. I slowly read through the various speculations about why these young men are depraved. Too many video games. The parents never set boundaries. Drugs.

My sense was that most people did not even know the perpetrators.

Although I lived more than 800 miles away from the incident, I had already heard about the crime from a mutual friend. Luckily her son decided not to participate in what now is referred to as “Eggmagedon,” but she knew the boys who did.

Four young teens walking home one evening from a friend’s house decided it would be fun to see what happened when you throw an egg at a tree in sub-zero temperatures. Would it freeze instantly? Would it run down the side? They had to find out.

Apparently these budding scientists could not see the results from the tree, so one of them had the brilliant idea of throwing the egg towards the light of an unoccupied house that was for sale. And then a house that was brick. And one or two more.

The next day the normally sleepy neighborhood was in an uproar. One of the victims attempted to remove the egg (which apparently will freeze onto wood) and ended up ruining some freshly painted window frames. They were not happy.

The boys confessed, and with their parents, worked things out with the homeowners directly, including paying for the cost of repairs and doing chores for the victims; however, this did not stop this woman — who did not have anything happen to her home — from sharing her opinion on social media with 850 of her closest friends, many of whom know these young men.

At one fell swoop, she judged the boys and their parents, indicting them for the world to see.

Her point is well taken. The boys screwed up and should be — will be — punished, but where is the line drawn for our children’s privacy? Or our own?

Even if we screw up. Especially when we screw up.

As the parent to three tweens, I know the road ahead will be full with pot holes. I like to think my kids have good heads on their shoulders, but that does not mean I believe they will get through the teen years without making mistakes.

And they should.  We want our kids to push, explore, and question. Sometimes these actions lead to positive outcomes (defending a friend or deciding to walk away from illicit behavior), and sometimes it ends up with egg on your new siding.

What scares me about this situation the most, however, is that someone else took control of their experience and plastered it all over the internet. Someone else decided to tell these young men’s story and define their character, which, up to this moment, was positive.

I passionately talk to my daughters about social media. I show them how a text can be forwarded to a group with a single touch of a button or a message misconstrued. I lecture them about how nothing is “private” and how people are not always who they say they are. I am waiting until I feel the time is right to let them have a phone, Instagram, or Facebook.

But there is one thing I cannot protect them from, one thing even I can’t control.

You.

I can’t protect them from you and your ability to change their lives in an instant with your iPhone. Your taking pictures, your telling their stories, your providing the context.

My daughters and I could never post on social media again, and they could still end up the laughing stock of the world wide web, whether deserved or not.

Social media feeds our narcissism. We fuel our ego under the guise of acting like public crusaders or exposing wrongdoings, even when there is no need. Revealing private information with the intent to instigate others is a blatant form of harassment. Some would argue that it is no different than sharing an experience with friends, except what you put on the internet never goes away. A public “outing” on Facebook can be far more permanent than even a scarlet letter, which at least is coverable.

When we expose other people’s mistakes — even their blatant “crimes” — on social media, we make ourselves feel better, but that shouldn’t be confused with making a difference.

As parents, what we say and do on social media matters. It isn’t always just an opportunity to connect with friends; instead, it’s an extension of our personal life. A megaphone to our outside world. And more people than our friend’s list are listening.

If we want our kids to do better, than we have to be better.

Let’s be better.

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This post was written by Whitney Fleming exclusively for BonBon Break Media LLC.

The post When Parents Turn to Facebook Shaming first appeared on BonBon Break.

In our experience, most teens enjoy outdoor activities and adventure. They just don’t always know where to go or how to get there.  And when they don’t have transportation or inspiration, their natural fallback is electronics.

Finding Time and Getting Out

When kids are little, it seems like parents are always looking for ways to get them outdoors: playgroups at the playground, bike rides with the tagalong, hiking and exploring parks and river trails. With little kids, the possibilities for adventure are endless because little kids see everything as an adventure. Only rarely do they tell mom and dad, “No, I don’t want to go there.” They’re game for anything.

Not so teens. Teens crave independence. This is good and right, but it also means your teens may have strong opinions about what they want to do and when. Oftentimes, teens have very busy schedules. They have homework, sports, music, or theatre, a job and other extracurricular activities. Sometimes they’re just plain tired from growing and changing.

When you suggest fishing or a hike, they may not want to go at this particular moment. But that doesn’t mean they never want to go. They just don’t want to go right now.

Parents are busy, too. Sometimes it’s hard to find time for a bike ride or float down the river. It can be incredibly discouraging to have finally carved out some time to spend outdoors with your teen, only to have them shut the door on the expedition.

So What’s A Smart Parent To Do?

Lead By Example. Teens are much more likely to get up and out the door with a parent’s support. Don’t just suggest that your teen go for a bike ride. Go with them. And when they don’t want to go, just go yourself.

Stay active and keep inviting your kids on adventures with you. Active parents will have more active teens.

Plan Ahead. If something is on the calendar, it’s more likely to happen. Plan a adventure. Make sure everyone in the family is committed to that date and make it non-negotiable. Tell your kids, your spouse, and your friends, “This is the day we’ve agreed upon. Nothing’s gonna stand in our way.”

Teenage Trail Boss. Include your teen in choosing where to go and when. Enlist the entire family in planning the adventure, whether for a day, a weekend or a week. Give your teen specific responsibilities and let your child contribute to the success of the trip. If he or she has  ideas about where to go or what to do, jump all over that and follow your teen’s lead.

Just Listen. Adults often look at outdoor activities in terms of exercise and goals. Teens are rarely motivated by burning calories or passing a milestone.

They are more interested in the experience as a whole. They’re interested in the sights along the trail, the overall experience and in slowing down with you and sharing their ideas and concerns.

Some of the best conversations I’ve had with our younger son have come while cross-country skiing or riding a chairlift at a ski resort. Out of our normal routine, with all the things that divert our attention out of sight and out of mind, we have time to connect.

Don’t worry if you don’t get to the summit of the mountain or the end of the trail. Just enjoy the conversation and fun along the way.

Some Ideas for Outdoor Adventure With Teens

No matter where you live, you can always find outdoor adventure. Here are four ideas that currently strike my fancy.

Rafting. Find a river, get a guide, and get going. I’ve yet to meet a teen who doesn’t love the thrills and spills of a raft trip. With the guide in charge, there’s no worry and plenty of fun.

Climbing. Climbing takes skills, knowledge, and a good partner. And it’s something you and your teen can do together, building your abilities over time. Start indoors at a climbing gym, get some instruction, and you’ll be out on a crag before you know it.

Snowshoeing. If you live somewhere snowy, you can rent snowshoes and hit the trail with a minimum of practice and training. You basically just strap ‘em on and go. Cross-country skis are a bit more challenging, but the learning curve is still much lower than downhill skiing.

Camping. Whether you go in a tent or a camper, or even stay in a cabin, camping provides a break in the normal routine. Life slows down.  Depending upon where you are, you may have opportunities for hiking, boating, fishing, and more. Visit a National Park, a state park or find a remote campsite in a forest. Unplug and tune into what makes your family special.

What are your favorite activities for getting your teen up and out the door?

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 This post was written by Kristin Lummis of The Brave Ski Mom exclusively for Bonbon Break Media, LLC

The post Getting Teens Unplugged, Off the Couch, and Out the Door first appeared on BonBon Break.

Why would a bus full of white college students sing – gleefully – about hanging Black people from trees and never letting n**** into their fraternity?

These Big Incidents keep happening, shining a spotlight on racism in America. One after another, fast and furious, they keep coming, urging us not to look away. Outrage is warranted. Understanding why these awful situations happen is important. Talking about how to prevent them is important.

But here is the thing (excuse me while I hop up on my soapbox here): Racism exists on a continuum. These Big Incidents, they grab our attention. They are a catalyst for dialogue. But let’s not forget that the smaller ways racism and stereotypes manifest every.single.day are what allow the Big Incidents to happen. 

It doesn’t help an ounce to be shocked and outraged at the Big Incidents and pretend that the subtle ways racism manifests don’t exist or aren’t just as significant. I guarantee that expelling a few students isn’t going to eliminate racism on the OU campus – or any campus, for that matter. (Although, hell yeah, they should be expelled.)

Parents, we have a critical job to do as we raise the next round of college students. Each and every one of us.

It’s not enough to not teach our kids to be racist – to steer clear of racial slurs and occasionally remind them everyone is equal. We MUST go deeper than that. We must actively teach our children how not to be racist. And it means starting with ourselves.

And I know – I know that for white families in mostly white communities it is easy to forget about race, to push it to the back of the closet under the winter boots and lost mittens. Parents have so much to worry about that if race isn’t impacting our lives in obvious ways, we turn our attention to all of the other (very important) parts of raising kids….like homework and friendships and making sure they aren’t downloading porn on their phones.

But if we don’t talk about race and, more specifically, racism, we leave our kids wide open to the daily messages they receive about the worth of people of color in our society. Those messages are coming at them from all sides – movies, books, the nightly news, their friends, school, history books – just like they are coming at us.  Acknowledging that we respond to or think about people of color differently doesn’t make us Racist with a capital R – it makes us honest and provides us the opportunity to challenge our reactions. Our kids need to know that and learn to do the same.

As parents, we need to immerse ourselves in conversations about race, learn about the experiences of people different from ourselves, and educate ourselves about what privilege and discrimination mean in America. We need to find our blind spots so that we don’t unintentionally pass them on to our kids, and so that we recognize racism, in all of its forms, where it exists. And – oh, here is the hard, hard, hard part for many of us – we have to find the courage to speak up when we see it, to lead our kids by example, and to show them that if we aren’t part of the solution, the problem continues.

We need to commit to actively ensuring that when our babies go off to college, they recognize racism when they see it, want NO part in it, and speak out against it.

Racism exists on college campuses. It exists in our high schools and middle schools and, yes, our elementary schools. It may go unnoticed by many, but it is there until we do something about it or until a Big Incident shines a light on the ugly truth.

The incident at OU is one incident that was caught on tape. One kid on that bus knew enough to record it and push it into the right hands – passing it on to the black student group Unheard, which in turn shared it with the University President on Twitter. I like to hope it wasn’t an accident and that the student knew exactly what he or she was doing. That there was a kid on that bus who knew this was appalling and knew action needed to be taken. I like to hope that someone’s mama didn’t let her baby grow up to be racist.

BOOKS & SITES TO HELP YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY:

• Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together In The Cafeteria by Beverly Daniel Tatum
• The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration In The Age Of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
• 5 Tips to Raise Racially Sensitive Children on BonBon Break
• 9 Black Twitter Feeds You Need To Follow Right Now
• 50 Books By People of Color 
• And then check out some websites like The Root, Colorlines, and (BonBon Break contributor!) My Brown Baby

Note: I realize this piece is directly primarily toward white parents. This is in no way meant to exclude people of color who are reading this. It is simply a part of the conversation where I felt able to contribute. 

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This post was written by Ellie of Musing Momma exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC.

The post Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Racist first appeared on BonBon Break.

I’m your teenager. Sometimes I wonder if the world I live in is in any way similar to the world you grew up in. Living in a society filled with social media, reality television, and beauty magazines at your fingertips 24/7 can definitely bring a sense of insecurity and vulnerability as I try to figure out who I am. Girls my age, and younger, are competing with celebrities and models who are airbrushed ever so carefully to the point they don’t even look like themselves. Perfection is obtained by artists’ hands and brands bombard us with these looks via social media applications such as Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TV, YouTube, and Pinterest. I am sure you are wondering why in the world I feel this way. You have told me since I was little that I am beautiful and awesome just the way I am. I hear you. You’re my mom. You’re supposed to say that. But if I am being honest, I also really listen to my peers and the media.

The pressure to look “perfect” is just one of the many I face every day. I go to school and hope that I fit in, have friends, good grades, and meet a boy who really likes me. That’s just during the school day. When I come home I strive to make you proud of me by achieving all of this AND excelling in the after school activities I love. Sounds pretty stressful doesn’t it? Good days are stressful enough.  But, if I have a bad day, I might not even want to talk about it. I might be so upset that I feel like I want to disappear. If I seem like I am not myself, something is probably wrong. Don’t ignore my signs, come talk to me and don’t forget to listen.

I am sure you are wondering how you can help me with all these crazy stresses while I try to find myself and figure out who I really am. Talking TO me, not AT me, is very comforting. I know you have been through some of the same things I am going through but it’s really important that I go through the experiences of being a teenager myself. Please know that I really do know you are just trying to help. I need to FEEL the pain of friendships that fall apart, boys that break up with me, and the bad grade I received because I procrastinated. Communicating with me is probably the most important thing you can do. Even if I don’t want to talk that much, ask me questions anyway. Don’t let me run away to my room! I want you to know my friends and really help me choose wisely, but please try not to call me out in front of my friends or act too nosey when they are around; it makes me not want to invite them over. There will be time for us to talk when they are gone. I expect rules and know that you are teaching me morals and values. When rules are too strict, I will never learn. I need to learn to trust my moral compass. 

The biggest way you can help me is to be a great example. When you are on the phone trashing someone to your best friend, I hear that. When you look in the mirror and say self-hate comments, I hear that too. I am a product of you. Take a good look at yourself and know that I also copy you. Sure, those magazines with perfect girls are all over my smartphone and television but I live with you and YOU are my biggest influence by far. I do love you even though sometimes it seems I don’t.  Do moms have GIRL POWER? YES, they do! I need some of that same power so I can gain the confidence to be the best I can be! To not give in to the pressures of today’s society. I need to learn to love myself not for what is on the outside but what is on the inside. Confidence will give me the power to love myself for who I am and not be afraid to show off my quirky style. I am the future and with your help, I too will be My Very Own Superhero and ROCK this world!

Love, Lauren

“Making a difference…one girl at a time.”

GIRLS ABOVE SOCIETY is a 501C3 organization founded by Lauren Marie Galley, an 19 year old actress/model and college honors student. This organization provides mentorship and awareness to teen girls facing the pressures of today’s society. GAS is the home of “Girl Talk”, a signature program lead by Lauren that builds the confidence and leadership every young girl needs to become an excellent role model in their community.

As a voice to young teen girls, Lauren travels throughout the U.S. giving her signature “Girl Talks” empowering young girls to be confident leaders of their generation. Lauren reaches across the globe by hosting her own show “The Lauren Galley Show” on CETV (Confident & Empowerment TV) and has been featured on Fox News, Teen Vogue, Best Ever You Radio, and Talented Teens broadcast in the U.K. Her writing has appearedin numerous publications throughout the U.S. such as Huffington Post, International Talent Magazine, Talented Teens, Michelle Phillips Mind & Beauty and Babble, covering the issues and pressures young teens are facing in today’s society. Lauren has recently been named Youth Advocate for Free2Luv giving her a platform in her Free2BeYOU Series, as well as Teen Commentator for Houston Family Magazine, Chief Teen Advisor for the Best Ever You Network and Teen Blogger for Huffington Post.

To learn more about Lauren, visit Girls Above Society and to order her book, click here. Follow Lauren on Twitter and Facebook .

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This post was written exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC

The post Dear Mom, This is what I need from you! first appeared on BonBon Break.

Gordy has been progressing with Rapid Prompting Method (RPM) and is now using a keyboard to help him listen to lessons and answer questions about them. He has been able to express himself in ways that are unbelievable. There is an Autism Safety Fair for Montgomery County and during one of his sessions, Gordy was asked if he wanted to write a letter to the police officer in charge of the event.

Evan/Dara/Gordy,

Shared with permission from Evan Baylinson.

The post Here’s What a Teen With Non-Speaking Autism Wants You to Know first appeared on BonBon Break.

Why do I need to smile, and who are you to insist that I do so?

I wasn’t smiling, but I wasn’t frowning, either. I was minding my own business. I was probably trying to balance my checkbook in my head and figure out a way to justify spending an hour’s worth of wages on a meal that I’d have less than 10 minutes to eat. I confess to consciously avoiding eye contact with anyone, but only because stopping to chat with a familiar face during my too-short break could mean going without dinner that night.

Somehow, this neutral expression of mine had become cause for alarm among the mall-walkers and 40-year-olds aiming to make a career of selling bolo ties from a kiosk. “Smile!” they would shout as I rushed past them. But I didn’t want to smile. All I wanted was my slice of pepperoni and a large Coke.

I wasn’t an angsty teenager. I always smiled and said “thank you” when someone held the door for me. I smiled when I was helping a customer or when I was greeted by a store employee. I smiled when I ran into a friend or when I passed the puppy window in the pet shop. I loved to smile, I just didn’t want to be told to smile.

As a young woman, I could never articulate why this offended me; I just knew that being told to smile was something that made me very uncomfortable and uncharacteristically angry. It wasn’t until I had my own daughter that I recognized these remarks as a form of harassment.

Telling a woman that she needs to smile is disparaging and condescending. It is as though, unless she is smiling, a woman is of little worth, and people somehow feel like it’s their job is to bring her up to par. When someone insists that I smile, it makes me feel like he believes it is my duty to aesthetically please him with my appearance. Imagine walking up to me and commanding that I lose 15 pounds or change my hairstyle; these inappropriate behaviors are really no different from telling me to smile.

Demanding a smile from a complete stranger is audacious. No one has the power to dictate another person’s outward expression of feelings. It is intrusive and invasive, and even more so if the person being told to smile is on her own time. You know nothing about this individual on the train, in line at the grocery store, or riding the elevator in your office building. You have no idea how she is feeling or what is on her mind. She is not on-the-clock nor is she trying to engage with you. She is under no obligation to change her expression in order to make someone in her vicinity feel more comfortable.

For a long time, I have wondered what is gained by telling someone to smile. Is it power? Is it contempt? Is it a misguided attempt at a pick-up line? How is coming up to a complete stranger and telling her to manipulate her body into a “more appealing” demeanor anything but an insult?

My smile does not belong to you, and you have no right to insist on it.

I look at my teenage daughter, and I see myself at her age. I worry that she will be disrespected in the ways that so many of us have been. I want her to know that she is always in control of her own body. Her beautiful smile is hers alone, and she is in charge of who is on its receiving end. It saddens me to think that someday, someone may approach her and convey that she is not good enough or pretty enough unless she plasters on a forced expression of joy.

I’m teaching her to stand up for herself. We talk about putting safety before politeness. She is aware of boundaries and how no one is entitled to invade her personal space or demand that she give up something to which she alone holds the rights, even if that something is as simple as a smile.

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But I’m here to report, given the chance, teenagers can have the biggest hearts and bring you to tears with their selflessness. Don’t believe the bad hype. I’ve seen their goodness with my own two eyes.

As a high school teacher, I led our school’s National Honor Society, a group of students with the best goal: they were charged with being excellent scholars AND community servants. Some schools don’t take the service aspect of NHS seriously, but we did.

Each November, we held a community-wide yard sale whose purpose was to raise money for our school’s Benevolence Fund. When students needed help, this fund made sure they had clothes, food, glasses, a safe place to stay, whatever our students needed. At the yard sale, we never put prices on anything. People shopped, and we asked them to donate whatever they deemed appropriate. Our customers were unbelievably generous, especially when they found out why we were raising money. My students hauled things to customers’ cars, gave them hot chocolate, and created a kids’ corner where they babysat children whose parents were shopping.

As word got out, teachers from other schools called with stories of people who had fallen on hard times, asking if the families could shop for free. I asked if the NHS students felt comfortable with that, and every single one of them voted to help these families.

One year, a family came to shop for free as we had previously arranged, but something told me we needed to do more. A young woman named Holly (not her real name) showed up with five children, from age 14 down to a baby. I watched how carefully Holly chose a small number of necessities: people’s used towels and pillows, a set of sheets, some mismatched dishes, a small stuffed animal for the baby.

I pulled Holly aside and introduced myself. She told me their story, and it was hard to hear. I had never had a conversation like this, had never offered help to someone face-to-face, but before I could think too much, out came this: The NHS kids and I want to help. Christmas is only a few weeks away. Can we give your family a Christmas?

Holly burst into quiet sobs. I held her hand and tasked her with finding out what her children wanted for Christmas. The National Honor Society was going to play Santa Claus.

Holly called with her list the next week. Humble again, she asked only for necessities and gave me sizes for each child, listing two or three small toys for the little kids. She was trying not to ask for too much.

What are their big wishes? If money were no object, what would they ask for? The words were out again before I knew what I was saying. But Christmas is magic, and Christmas…is giving.

Holly called the next day with the Money-Is-No-Object List, and we set to work. The NHS students decided that teams were the best. We had teams for Holly and her husband and each of the five children. I’ve never seen high school students so excited to give.

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My classroom became the center for this family’s Christmas and for four weeks, my NHS kids poured in with gifts they had carefully shopped for and purchased themselves. Most used their money from after-school jobs to buy these items, and I got the front row seat to see their shining faces come in with unwrapped gifts and watch as the pile grew and grew.

And it was time to ask for the big, expensive gifts. An iPod, a weight bench, an electric guitar, a bicycle, a trampoline.

At our late November meeting, I stood in front of these students to ask if this was possible. I assured them that Holly’s family was already getting an amazing Christmas because of the 100 young men and women in that room. We didn’t have to do anything else. And then…magic happened.

I have a weight bench in my garage that we never use.

Mrs. Tinsley, my parents bought me a new iPod. I’d be happy to give my old one to that kid.

My niece has outgrown her bicycle, and it’s in great shape. I’ll ask her parents if we can give it to Holly’s daughter.

I’ll be honest, Mrs. T. My parents bought me an electric guitar two years ago, and I’ve played it maybe twice. I’m happy to give it to Ms. Holly’s son.

We don’t use our trampoline anymore, Mrs. Tinsley. They can have it!

I burst into ugly tears, and the whole 101 of us gathered together for a group hug. I wasn’t the only one crying.

Later, we found out that the trampoline wasn’t in great shape. I asked our faculty if anyone had a trampoline they could donate, and my school’s generous coaches pooled together and bought Holly’s family a brand new trampoline.

On delivery day, Holly’s husband took their children out for ice cream, and a team of eight of Santa’s elves charged into their tiny house with the biggest, most beautiful Christmas they had ever seen. Holly’s face shone with tears, gratitude, and shock that we’d pulled it all off. We were shocked ourselves. We hugged her, wished her the merriest of Christmases, and were out of there quick as a wink, just like Santa.

Those 100 young men and women were teenagers, high school students, and some of them probably had to scrape money together to buy a stranger a gift. Sometimes the world rolls its collective eyes at teenagers, and sometimes they deserve it. However, when given the chance, teenagers can be the best givers in the world. Just ask me. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.

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I started thinking about this from the kids’ point of view. That made me remember the children’s literature I grew up with. Many of my favorite books were about young people taking charge independently often away from their parents. Let’s start with Enid Blyton’s The Famous Five series.  Beginning with Five on a Treasure Island, five cousins spend the summer having one adventure after the next. There is the home base where meals are offered, and the children check in, but the assumption of the adults seems to be that as long as they are out in the fresh air, together, that they are fine no matter what they are getting up to. In the Swallows and Amazon books by Arthur Ransome, six children are given permission to camp on an island in the middle of a lake. They cook over open fires and deal with the local “natives” (as the children refer to the adults) to procure supplies.  Another favorite example of kids on a mission is From the Mixed-up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg. It is about two children who run away from the suburbs to New York City and who handle themselves very well. In all these books, the children are supported by friends, cousins or siblings and range in age between around 9 and 13. For me, the common themes are that a) children are generally seen as accomplished and b) they relish in the opportunity to show how able they are to take care of themselves.

When kids are very little, we are aware of teaching them what they need to take care of themselves. We do not expect infants to learn to sit, to walk, to talk, to use the potty by themselves. Day after day, month after month, we train them and encourage them to take things one level further. We also give a lot of enthusiastic reinforcement for each new thing they learn. These days however, as soon as kids hit school  -whether that is preschool or kindergarten – we tend to focus solely on their academic and extracurricular progress.  Once they learn to tie their shoes, it is like they get frozen in childhood where we are still taking care of everything else for them. The result is that we leave them to do a lot of learning on their own when they get to college or out into the world. Doesn’t it make more sense to bring them along a continuum of self-care and autonomy right from the start?

Based on twelve years as a middle school teacher, I have a good idea of what 11-14-year-olds are capable of if it is expected of them and their parents have taken the time to teach it to them in stages. Here are my Top Ten Responsibilities Kids Should Have by Middle School.

1.  Get up, dressed and washed on their own.

Do you still wake your child up for school? Stop! It should be their job to set their alarm, to pick out appropriate clothes, and to have good routines for washing and brushing themselves. Your only job should be to introduce deodorant when the need for it arises and to support the school’s dress code.

2.  Make breakfast on their own

Kids are certainly capable of getting their cereal, toast, frozen waffles, etc.  If your family manages a hot breakfast, that’s fantastic. Children can also learn to make pancakes and eggs and the like with practice.  Starting around eight or nine, have them work alongside you. Model the steps. I hear you saying, they don’t have time to get ready. It is easier if I just do it for them.  Of course, it is easier and faster not to take the time to give kids the skills they need in the short run.  Over the long term, it doesn’t pay off. (And while I’m talking about food, teach your five and six-year-olds to cut their meat with a knife.  With care and attention, they will not hurt themselves).

3.  Make lunch on their own    

Are you under the illusion that your child is eating her lunch? I spent years – years! – lecturing students about not throwing away perfectly good food. You know what their answer was? My mom doesn’t like it when I come home without eating what she packs me. So, rather than deal with the conversation about why they didn’t eat what was provided, kids throw away the evidence. Children who pack their lunches pack food they know they’ll eat.  They know what to pack and how much to pack. 

4.  Get to school on their own

Okay, you may balk at this one. I know that lots of kids no longer go to their neighborhood schools and few school districts provide buses.  There are still ways to give kids their independence. For one, stop being in charge of checking if they have remembered everything they are going to need for the day. They are big enough to keep track of that on their own- and if they are not, suffering the natural consequences of not remembering will be a much faster teacher than your nagging and reminders. Even if you are driving your kids to school, give them the anonymity of dropping them off three or four blocks away. This ten-minute walk will allow them at least a little taste of freedom – and you will make the school happy by improving the drop-off/pick up congestion.

5.  Do homework on their own

The sooner you let your kids manage homework on their own the better. So how do you scaffold that? Help them set up a place and a routine for doing their work. When they ask for help, encourage them to attack it on their own by asking supportive questions: How could you approach this? What is the assignment asking for? How does this assignment look like other assignments you have done? What strategy could you use here? Ask, then back off. Give your child a chance to do it on his own. Offer a lot a reassurance that he will figure it out. If he has worked on it for a reasonable amount of time (ten minutes per grade level total is a good overall recommendation but that’s a whole other post), let it be okay for him to go to school without it done. Help him set up a method like a folder for homework to turn in. Initially, you can check that it gets into the folder and the folder into the backpack, but by third or fourth grade, if kids do not have the system down, they have not been taking responsibility for their learning. (That is not to say that as each new school year begins it might not be necessary to check in with your child’s system again.)

6.  Do some cooking and cleaning

It used to be that kids had to help out with chores just to keep the family alive. In fact, the need for extra hands was one of the reasons for having large families. Then for a long time, that was not true.  Modernization meant that machines started taking over some of the work and there was less to do. Many mothers were able to stay home to take care of their households and families. Now that the pendulum has shifted back and 70% of mothers are in the workforce, families where everyone pitches in are much happier. Children may groan about doing chores, but they hate having stressed out parents even more. Get your kids involved in the daily tasks of cooking and cleaning, and they will have the pride of knowing that they have contributed positively to the family. Being needed means that you are important, that your family couldn’t get by without you. That gives children a tremendous sense of security. Knowing you can take care of yourself also reinforces your self-worth.

7. Choose their electives and extra-curricular activities

Parents have a tough job finding the delicate balance between encouraging kids to try new things and at the same time to stick with activities long enough that they have the satisfaction of feeling truly accomplished. At the end of it all though, don’t you want to know that your kids have found something they love? Not something that will look good on their college apps or will help them as adults – or even something that they are splendid at – but just something that has them fully engaged and alive. I had a serious conversation with a teen this summer who started off playing two sports: Her mom loved one; her dad loved the other. When she needed to choose just one do just one because of time constraints, she felt like she was choosing between making one parent happy or the other. I asked if she is just crazy about this sport. She said she liked hanging out with her friends on the team but that no, she doesn’t just love it. Imagine, she has spent hours and hours of her life pursuing something she only likes, not love.

8.  Talk to teachers to get clarification on assignments, to ask for help, to ask questions about comments and grades received

Your child’s teacher is his first boss. There is no academic lesson your child will learn that is more important than learning to negotiate his relationship with his teacher. Learning to communicate with people in more powerful positions than you is an essential life skill, and practicing with one’s teacher is the perfect opportunity: The teacher may have power, but she is highly motivated for your child to be successful (after all, his success is her success). Support your child in this relationship by role playing and rehearsing what he might say when he needs something from his teacher. The more he can interact with his teacher, the easier it will become. Only step in on your child’s behalf if your child has tried a few interactions and hasn’t gotten anywhere. Again, the goal is not to swoop in and rescue your child from any feelings of discomfort. Rather it is to support him through an uncomfortable situation so that he will be more at ease next time.

9.  Be able to handle money

Personal finance is not my area of expertise, so for this one, I’m going to connect you to Bill Dwight, CEO of an excellent website/product called FamZoo.  This was the area I failed to scaffold and had to scramble to fill in the gaps as my daughter went off to college. How I wish I had been developing her independence in this area all along.

10.  Get around by themselves.

These days it seems like kids sit in the back seat of a car glued to an electronic device, oblivious to where they are, trusting their parent will get them to where they want to go. When my stepson was learning to drive, my husband and he went to a store they often had gone to before in the next town north. When they got back in the car, my husband said, I want you to take us home without any help.  The ten-minute trip took forty-five minutes because even though he had made the drive north, my stepson hadn’t paid attention to where he was beyond the step-by-step instructions my husband had given him.  Meanwhile, my daughter, two years away from being eligible for her driver’s permit, was able to describe perfectly how to get home.  I chalk this up to the fact that because she and I had used public transportation and she had taken it on her own once I had done it with her – she had learned the major streets and landmarks near by. Knowing she could find her way home – whether by car, on foot or using public transportation, gave her enormous confidence.

Teaching your kids these lessons and setting these expectations for them for middle school means they will have time to master them by the time they hit high school.  Armed with self-sufficiency and self-efficacy, your teenager will be able to focus on expanding into the world – for jobs, internships, summer travel programs, to be leaders on school teams and in school clubs. Most importantly, they will be ready to go off to college as the 18-year-old adults the state considers them to be. They will have skills to handle roommates, a large campus with lots of buildings, clean clothes, getting themselves fed, handling their money, talking to professors, deans and resident assistances, etc.., etc.  They will not find the need to text their parents every day just to stay on track. Can you imagine checking in with your parents every day when you were in college? No way! To set your kids free, train them up bit by bit.

Head to the Family Room

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