By the time he was 3 months old, he was much cuter he smiled a lot, especially at me. By that time, my love for him was blossoming, but even though he had some sort of preference for me over other people, I couldn’t say that he really loved me just yet. He just kind of liked the look of me.

This all started to change when he was about 8 months old. At this point, he could crawl right to me when he needed me. And he was finally showing that he did in fact need me. When we were in a new place with a large number of people, he showed me just how much by crying when he was handed to anyone else. This is called separation anxiety, which is when a child has a negative emotional response to being separated from his mom. Separation anxiety is said to be one of the first signs of attachment. Attachment is a baby’s relationship to his mom or his primary caregiver. Some people have described attachment as a baby’s love for his mother. Edwin showed the first signs of love for me around this time.

Why do babies become attached to their mothers? The old fashioned view is that it’s because their mothers feed them. The logic goes something like this: Mothers provide milk, which is what babies need to survive, so eventually babies learn to love whatever it is that’s feeding them.

In the 1950s, though, a famous researcher named Harry Harlow from the University of Wisconsin, Madison, demonstrated that this view is not quite right. Harlow studied attachment in baby monkeys. To do this, he separated baby monkeys from their mothers at birth. Then he gave the monkeys two new “mothers”: one mother was a doll made of wire that had a bottle attached to it, and the other mother was a doll made of cloth. The baby monkeys always had access to both the cloth and wire mothers and could go to whichever mother they wanted.

Harlow reasoned that if the old-fashioned view of why babies love their mothers was right, the baby monkeys would spend most of their time clinging to the wire mother since it was the one that gave them milk. In contrast, if it was something about comfort that made infants attach to their mothers, the baby monkeys might spend the most time with the cloth mother since cloth is more comforting to the touch than wire. It turns out that the baby monkeys only went to the wire mother when they wanted to eat and spent the rest of their time clinging to the cloth mother. Most importantly, when Harlow presented the baby monkeys with a new situation or a scary toy, they immediately ran to the cloth mother for comfort.

This research suggests that feeding babies or even nursing them isn’t ultimately what causes babies to become attached to their moms. Instead, it seems to be something else about the comfort that a mother’s presence provides. Although a baby’s mother is usually the one who provides the most comfort and becomes a baby’s most prominent attachment figure, babies have attachments to other people, too, including dads, grandparents, etc.

At 8 months, just when Edwin was first becoming attached to me, and just when I was realizing how head over heels in love with him I had become, I went back to work, and he started a new relationship with another woman—his nanny. Because babies can attach to people other than their moms, I was terrified that he’d grow to love his nanny more than me. After all, he would be spending more time with her than with me during the week. Why would he love me more than her?

It turns out that I had nothing to worry about. Around the time I usually come to pick Edwin up from his nanny’s house every day, he lingers by the door waiting for my arrival. He runs into my arms when I walk in, and he still clings to me the most when he’s upset or afraid. He does love his nanny, but my fear that Edwin would grow to love her more than me was unfounded. It turns out that moms are special. The comfort that I provide him with is what helps him most in challenging situations, and it’s what gives him the confidence he needs to explore new things.

Recently, researchers have found evidence to support this idea by studying activation of the amygdala—the part of the brain that is most active when we are afraid. It turns out that when a child is given something new or potentially scary, his or her amygdala isn’t as active when mom is present as when she is not present. Further, there is evidence that the amygdala is activated more quickly and more easily in children who are in foster care—children who don’t have a mother in close proximity—than in children who are not in foster care. This research suggests that a mother’s presence can affect a baby’s brain, buffering it from experiencing fear in the face of something new or challenging.

Attachment doesn’t end in infancy—everyone has attachment figures, even adults. Although the presence of adult attachment figures like romantic partners have been shown to have similar effects on the brain when confronted with something scary, the role of the mom seems to decrease as children reach adolescence and their amygdalas are fully mature. While it is somewhat disheartening to accept the fact that Edwin won’t always need me to help him in challenging situations, I’m happy that at 15 months, he certainly needs me now and is fully capable of showing it. Clinging in the face of a new situation has progressed to hugging, cuddling, and laughing in a way that is reserved just for me. I’m his mom, and it turns out that I am very special.

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For some new parents, these warnings are easy to heed, as they don’t have pets at home to begin with. For other new parents—like me—pets are already part of the family and the idea of giving them up because you’re expecting a baby is a non-starter. The good news is that research on pets and babies isn’t all bad. First of all, while some studies suggest that there are health problems related to owning a pet, there are other studies that have shown distinct health benefits of owning a pet. For example, recent research suggests that babies who grow up in a household with pets have stronger immune systems and are less likely to get sick and develop allergies compared with babies raised in households without pets. Similarly, children with pets are significantly less likely to be absent from school due to illness than children without pets. The health benefits of pet ownership continue beyond childhood, and according to the CDC, owning a pet as an adult is associated with decreases in blood pressure, cholesterol, and triglyceride levels.

Besides direct health benefits, pet ownership has also been shown to carry emotional benefits for both children and adults. For example, owning a pet can increase feelings of happiness among older adults, and create more opportunities for adults to exercise and socialize. Research has also suggested that having a pet helps people cope with stressful life events. In fact, pets have been so effective in helping individuals deal with their negative emotions, they are often used in therapy, particularly with children. Disabled children who are given service dogs are more likely than those who are not given service animals to receive social acknowledgements like smiles and conversations from other people. Further, programs designed to teach children with developmental delays and Autism Spectrum Disorder how to care for pets has been beneficial in reducing feelings fear and anxiety.

Even beyond the emotional benefits of having pets, pet ownership has also been shown to encourage children’s learning in various domains. Children who own pets (particularly dogs) are especially empathetic, for example, and have a better understanding of the feelings of others than children who do not have pets. Further, despite the fact that children’s primary interactions with pets are social in nature, research has shown that children who have a cat or a dog have a better biological understanding of animals than children who don’t. They are also less likely to anthropomorphize animals—or assign them human-like qualities—than other children.

Perhaps what’s even more important than all of these health, emotional, and learning benefits of having a pet, is that most children love them. In my own lab, we found that kids pay more attention to animals than other objects, even really attractive toys. My son Edwin is absolutely in love with our dog Charlotte. The first thing he does in the morning when we set him down on the floor is crawl directly to her crate. She comes out wagging as he greets her with his biggest smile and gives her a giant bear hug. In fact, Charlotte has fascinated him since the very first time he noticed her when he was about 6 weeks old. He hasn’t taken his eyes off of her since.

I’m not suggesting that we should ignore doctors’ warnings about the dangers of pets: Having a pet means taking extra care to make sure that your child is safe, by ensuring that your pets are well groomed, vaccinated, and that their food stays away from the child’s reach. But as far as I’m concerned, having a pet is worth the extra work—not necessarily because of the potential health benefits that our dog can provide for Edwin, but instead, because of the pure joy that she brings to our lives. I can already see that Edwin will grow up loving animals because of Charlotte’s presence, and the value I place on that experience goes beyond what we can quantify with research. If you have a pet, the joy that it brings you will only be passed down to your child, and that simple but important benefit is more than enough for me.

This post was syndicated from The Baby Scientist with permission.

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Of course, there are many items that are crucial. You literally won’t get far without a stroller or car seat. An Ergo carrier is absolutely necessary, and a baby monitor makes life easier, too.

However, many other items only get used for a short time, and are best bought second hand, for instance, those jump-a-roo things. The infant sits down in the center of a full-circle of activities and bounces all she wants while Mama gets to pee alone or do the dishes with two hands for a solid six minutes. They’re cool, but the child will use it for five months tops, then people get sick of tripping over it in the living room.

A lot of baby gear gets only gently used, then needs a new home. That’s why I’m all for hand-me-down baby items and registry gifts that are more practical for the mama.
Here are 11 items that would make an impression as baby shower presents:

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1. A large supply of coffee

The best gifts, however, are ones people don’t already buy for themselves. Chances are 97% of functioning American adults buy coffee at the store like it’s not an option. Get her something special instead, like gift cards to Starbucks. This way she’ll have an excuse to get out of the house (which we know she’ll need). She’ll deserve a treat, and
need one that will add some fuel to her tank.

2. A wine collection

Don’t just stock the mom-to-be up on an assortment of diapers- get her wine stocked, too. Both are parenting necessities.

3. A collection of tank tops

The nursing tanks are kind of awkward, but regular tanks allow pretty easy access, themselves. If she’s going to nurse, you know she’s will need some garments where she can easily pop a ta-ta in and out.

4. Yoga pants

Let’s be honest, it takes a while to get back into our pre-pregnancy clothes, and yoga pants are kind. Chances are Mama will have her days and nights as mixed up as her cub for a while, so comfort is key.

5. A gift certificate to a great sushi restaurant

Chances are, she went a whole nine months without sushi and could use a rainbow roll right now. Regardless of her food preferences, she definitely needs a date away from her home. In addition to the gift certificate, give her a babysitting voucher.

6. Underwear

I can’t be the only cheap-o who tried to wear my regular ones during my entire pregnancy. A friend gave me a new collection of undies as a shower gift, and I really appreciated since my supply was completely stretched out.

7. An Amazon prime membership

She will probably spend way too much time looking for one specific pacifier, and need some more to show up on her doorstep STAT. An Amazon Prime membership is a life saver.

8. A funny book about parenting

She might find What to Expect During the First Year helpful but I Heart My Little A-Holes will be even more so. She’ll need to laugh, be light-hearted, and know that no one is perfect.

9. A blue tooth for hands-free talking

She shouldn’t have to choose between doing the dishes or calling her mom during her few moments of free time. Get her this helpful device so she can do both at the same time!

10. One of those robot vacuums

It’ll be one less thing she’ll have to do one-handed. This would be awesome.

11. Jewelry

At my baby shower, I opened a bunch of board books, bath towels, shampoos, and outfits. Then I got a little box with a fun pair of earrings in it. I looked surprised, and my friend said, “You need something special, too.” Really, I was touched.

Maybe what I’m proposing here is not so much gift ideas for baby showers, but mama showers. They should be a thing. If you ask me, they make more sense.

What would you add to the list?

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Years ago, I saw an Oprah episode that included an interview with a mother who had forgotten that her daughter was in the car. She drove to work and got out of her car, leaving her daughter there asleep in her seat. Her daughter tragically died that day. It was horrific. How on earth does that happen, I wondered. The mother explained that it occurs too often when there is a break in routine. She almost never drove her daughter to day care in the morning — her husband always did — but he had a dentist appointment that day, so it was her job. Despite the fact that she had loaded her daughter into her seat minutes earlier, she quickly forgot about her and drove straight to work as was her normal routine. It was impossible for me (on that day) to imagine that this could ever happen. And it didn’t happen with my first child.

There was no “routine” to break with baby #1. I was a typical first-time parent — my every thought; every breath was consumed with my new son. I would never forget he was in the car, even when he was sound asleep, as my “routine” was to coexist with a baby, whether it was in the car, house, etc.

Two years later I had forgotten about this Oprah episode and now found myself with a chatty 2-year old and a newborn. It had been two years since I had driven around with a sleepy baby in the car. One day I was out doing errands with only the baby and had left my toddler at home with Daddy. This was a break in my “routine” as my car was never quiet anymore. I came home and entered the house, leaving her asleep in the car. I FORGOT she was in the car. After about 20 seconds of chatting with my husband in the kitchen, he asked if I was going to get her. My heart dropped into my stomach. What if I had forgotten while we were at the store? Thank goodness — no THANK GOD — I didn’t. And THANK GOD it was winter, and she would not have baked in the heat. And THANK GOD my husband was home, not out somewhere with our son, or when would I have realized? I believe I would have remembered within seconds, but I will never know.

That day shook me to my core. I left her alone in the car for no more than 20 seconds, in our garage. The point was that I had forgotten she was in the car. I was so used to a two-year old voice and a two-year old face looking back at me through the rearview mirror that without him there, the car seemed empty. I vowed never to forget again, and I believed at the time that I never would.

Now that little girl is a talkative two-year-old herself and my son is four. I now have two faces looking back at me through the mirror and two voices chatting my ear off in the car. And we have another newborn. Last week I went to a doctor’s appointment with him and left the big kids home with Grandpa. On the way there, I recalled this exact incident and said to myself, “Of course I won’t forget. I am heading to the OB — the doctor who delivered him, whose office is in the same building as the hospital where was born.” But not a few minutes later, my mind was onto other things and by the time I pulled into the parking lot, I had forgotten. Again. I took about five steps away from my car before remembering he was still in it. I frantically looked around as I turned around to go back for him — was anyone watching this horrible unfit mother who FORGOT her kid go back to retrieve him? I could not believe it had happened again.

Again, the whole incident was seconds long. Thankfully I remembered on my own. But it could have been so much worse. I truly thank God for both of these minor but also terrifying incidents. I believe they are both gifts sent down to teach me a valuable lesson. It truly can happen to anyone.

To the parents reading this, especially if you are having your second or third child and are used to loud kids in the car, KNOW your routine. KNOW how tired you can get, how distracted your mind can become thinking of 100 things. I have taken a pledge to myself and my kids. EVERY TIME I am driving alone with the baby, I am going to put my purse in the back with him. I would never leave my car without my purse, so this will force me to look for it and remember he is back there. I have also heard the suggestion of keeping a teddy bear in the front seat to remind the driver. There are already teddy bears and dolls all over my car, so this probably would not help me much. But find something that works for you.

I feel sick telling this story but I am also incredibly grateful for the opportunity to share. If that mother, who accidentally caused the death of her daughter had the courage to go on national television and tell her story to educate others, I can at least share mine. Summer is coming, and it is 106 degrees for three straight months where I live. It takes only a couple of minutes for a baby to die from the heat inside a parked car in the summer.

I pledge never to text and drive.
I pledge to keep my purse in the back when I am alone with the baby in the car.
What do you pledge?

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My son regularly gets his hand stuck in the door of his Little People school bus. He tries to stick his arms (and toys) between the rails of our staircase. He also gets his entire body stuck underneath the dining room table between the chairs several times a week.

Why do babies make such stupid mistakes? And why do they make them over and over and over again?

Researchers have tried to figure it out, and, in the process, they have documented some of the surprising mistakes that children can make with their bodies. When I was in graduate school, for example, I studied a phenomenon called children’s “scale errors.” It is when children act on a small replica object (e.g., a doll-sized bed) as if it were the bigger real-life object (e.g., try to lie down in it). In our study, we had 1 ½ to 3-year-olds come into a playroom with three large objects that they could physically interact with—a toy slide that they could climb on and slide down, a toy car that they could get into and drive, and a toy chair that they could sit in. After a few minutes, the babies took a walk down the hall with their moms while an evil researcher (i.e., me) switched the big toys with tiny doll-sized replicas. When the babies came back, they acted like nothing happened, and tried to sit in the tiny chair, slide down the 2-inch slide, and wedge their feet inside the tiny toy car.

These aren’t the only mistakes they make with their bodies, either. Other researchers have found that babies up to 17 months of age (around the same age they start making scale errors) try to squeeze their heads and bodies into doorways that are way too small for them, getting stuck in the process. They also try to fit their hands into impossibly small openings.

Why do they do it? Researchers have suggested several possible reasons. First, it takes a long time for children to learn about what kinds of actions are possible and impossible. These decisions involve planning their actions based on size information of both their own bodies and objects in the environment. Babies make these errors with their bodies right after they start walking for the first time, so the world of what is possible for their bodies and what isn’t is still relatively new. Perhaps they just haven’t learned enough yet to know what they can and can’t do.

An alternative possibility is that babies can guess that many of the actions they attempt might not be possible, but they explore these actions anyway as part of the process of learning. In the case of scale errors, babies can clearly see that the small replica objects are in fact very small, and they scale their fine-motor behaviors accordingly even when making an error. For example, when trying to sit in a tiny doll-sized chair, children meticulously place the chair down on the floor, carefully line up their bodies right above it, and then proceed to sit down. In fact, they still make scale errors even when researchers explicitly point out that the objects are very small.

Similarly, the same babies who wedge themselves in impossibly small doorways don’t make these errors in judgment when the penalty is falling (e.g., when one side of the opening is a ledge) instead of getting stuck, suggesting that babies might be able to guess when openings are too small, but that they don’t really weigh getting stuck as that bad of an outcome if they happen to guess incorrectly.

Whether babies know that their actions are likely to be impossible or not, making mistakes is just a part of learning about what their bodies can do. Moving around on their own for the first time opens up a brand new world of possibilities—a world that takes time to explore. Before you know it, they’ll be walking up and down stairs, and, as they get better at taking down the obstacles that stand in their way, you’ll get the confidence you need to take down your safety gates. But until then, maybe keep them up—babies make some really stupid mistakes sometimes.

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This post was written by Vanessa LoBue exclusively for BonBon Break Media LLC.

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With all the options out there and pressure to buy toys that are “educational,” how do we choose for our babies? And are “genius” toys really a smart purchase?

“Genius” toys first entered the scene in the early 1990’s after a group of researchers published a study showing that college students who listened to Mozart before taking an IQ test performed better on specific portions of the test. After this work was published in Nature (one of the most prestigious academic journals in the world), an explosion of media attention birthed the legend of the Mozart Effect. Even though the original study was on college students, the idea that playing classical music increases a baby’s IQ became quite popular as well—so popular in fact that several states, including Georgia and Tennessee, started government-sponsored programs that provide all new mothers with a Mozart CD. Products with names like Baby Mozart and Baby Einstein soon started populating the shelves of our local toy stores.

Maybe listening to Mozart helped college students perform better on an IQ test, but is there any evidence that these “genius” toys actually help babies learn? Research suggests that it doesn’t. In one study examining the efficacy of a popular “genius” DVD designed to teach infants new words, researchers not only reported no gains in vocabulary from watching the DVD, but they also reported that the best improvement in vocabulary was found when parents just taught their infants the new words themselves.

Similar results have been found for high-tech electronic toys. For example, a new study looking at how parents talk to their babies (ranging from 10- to 16-month-olds) while playing with different kinds of toys reported that the amount of language parents use and the quality of their language is generally lower when parents and babies play with electronic toys than when they play with the traditional toys or books.

Why are parents and the language they use so important here? A really famous study found that children whose parents talked to them more (using more words on average) had a distinct advantage in school over children of parents who spent less time speaking aloud. “Genius” toys and electronic toys seem to keep parents from doing just that; since they do all the talking themselves, parents don’t have to, which isn’t the best thing for learning.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that electronic toys and “genius” toys are bad; it just means that talking and playing with parents is always better for learning. The same can be said for watching television—screens themselves aren’t necessarily bad for kids, but when children are on screens, it generally means that they aren’t playing actively, and they aren’t talking to their parents.

So in terms of learning, there is no evidence that these products will do anything to boost your baby’s IQ, and it is important to have a realistic idea of what they can and can’t offer your child when you purchase them.

However, if your goal is to entertain, these toys might be useful. My son absolutely loves musical toys with flashing lights; he has a variety of them that he places in a circle and loves to bounce around as he activates each of their songs one by one. These toys probably won’t turn him into a genius, but they sure are helping him with his dancing skills.

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This post was written by Vanessa LoBue exclusively for BonBon Break Media LLC.

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This way of talking is commonly known as baby talk, or motherese, and it is known by researchers as infant-directed speech. There has been some controversy between parents and researchers about whether we should use baby talk with our infants and whether it helps or hurts their language development. But to many parents, motherese feels quite natural, and, in fact, it appears in most languages and cultures around the world. Parents who use sign language even sign in a way that resembles motherese, using slower, more exaggerated symbols than those typically used when signing with adults. Grown-ups without children often use motherese to talk to their pets, and young children can be observed using it to talk to younger babies, animals, or even toys.

The big question is: is motherese helpful to babies, or is it just plain old stupid? Learning language is hard, and one of the very first challenges that babies have to face is learning which combinations of sounds make words. Imagine listening to a foreign language; for most of us, it sounds like an ongoing stream of sounds, and it’s hard topick out which combinations of sounds make words and which combinations of words make sentences. It turns out that at this early stage in language learning, motherese might actually help.

Like I said, motherese is slower-paced than adult-directed speech, and it is typically high pitched and exaggerated with lots and lots of pauses. This makes words spoken in motherese easier to pick out, and it might help babies  figure out which combinations of sounds make up words. In fact, the amount of motherese used in households has been shown to predict the frequency of babies’ babbling and their future language performance, suggesting that motherese might indeed help babies learn some early aspects of language.

Perhaps an even more important function of motherese is that it holds a baby’s attention. Research has shown that babies like listening to motherese and prefer to listen to speech samples presented in motherese than those presented in adult-directed speech.

Despite these findings, there are still experts who think that parents should speak to their children normally, without using baby talk, and there are some researchers who have shown that parents speak more clearly to their children when they throw motherese out the window. But will babies fail to learn language if you use motherese? Conversely, are you hurting your child’s development if you can’t bring yourself to utter phrases like: “Time to go bye bye!” or “Pee pee in the potty!”

The answer to both of these questions is a resounding no. Babies are incredibly good at learning language—way better than we are—and they will learn it whether you use baby talk or not. Before you know it, they’ll be gabbing a mile a minute about what they did in preschool that day or what their BFF had for lunch. So for now, just talk to them in the way that feels most natural to you, even if what’s natural makes you feel stupid.

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This post was written by Vanessa LoBue exclusively for BonBon Break Media LLC.

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How is it that I never heard anyone talk about the hell that can be teething before I had babies? I feel like this is a great curse of the early parenting phase – and it can last, on and off for an entirely unpredictable period, for two years!

For sure, not every baby has a hard time with teething. However, from what I’ve seen among my twin parent friends, a heck of a lot of us have dealt with the repercussions of tiny little teeth coming through which can include: pain, fussiness/ crying/ irritability, ear pulling, biting/ chewing everything in sight, trouble napping during the day, waking at night, diarrhea, diaper rash, incessant drooling that leads to a rash on the chin and cheek, and refusal to eat. OH MY!

What’s a parent supposed to do?

I read that it’s not a good idea to use Orajel before two years of age. Tylenol always has helped, but I do my best not to give it during the day, only at night, unless my baby is really in agony. Motrin (after six months of age only) is recommended but not as helpful, in my experience, as Tylenol. Before you resort to medicine, check with your pediatrician first.

I opted to go the non-medical route and tried these eight remedies.

Amber teething necklaces

Some parents swear by this all-natural approach, saying the amber releases a tiny amount of oil that helps make the pain go away. It made zero difference when I tried one on my boys for several weeks. The risk of choking made me very nervous – always remove necklace before naps if you do decide to try this approach. Make sure the necklace you buy is knotted between each piece of amber, in case it breaks.

Teething rings

It’s recommended that you put these gadgets in the fridge or freezer, so they’re nice and cold for the little one to suck on. Mine never took much interest or lasted more than a minute or two with any of theirs – and we had about ten different shapes/styles as hand-me-downs.

Chamomile drops

Wonderfully all-natural, and wonderfully ineffective.

Chewbead necklaces

I so love the idea of this product — a fashionable necklace for Mom, which babies can suck and teeth on. Brilliant! Unfortunately, my boys never took much interest in munching on mine, though I did enjoy wearing it out around town.

Frozen bottle nipples

Take an old nipple that you don’t mind your baby chewing the heck out of, fill bottle just a little bit with chamomile tea, cap the bottle, and turn it upside down — making sure the entire nipple area is filled with liquid. Then stick it in the freezer and voila, there is your best teething ring ever. The Joy Boys would chew and suck on these for 15 minutes at a stretch when they were teething at 4 to 6 months.

Frozen washcloths

If you don’t want to use a bottle, take a bit of an old washcloth or rag, twist it tight, soak the tip in chamomile tea, and freeze it. It works just as effectively as the frozen tea-filled nipple. The only drawback is there is that even the non-frozen part of the washcloth remains quite cold, so it can be tough for your little one to get a good grip on it. You’re probably going to end up holding this cold, increasingly wet object for your baby, at least for the first 6 to 9 months.

Sophie the Giraffe (**EDITOR’S CHOICE**)

My mom ordered us two of these on her first visit to the boys because her friends had told her, “It’s a must!” Well, grandma’s friends know what they’re talking about, eh Joy Boys? They loved munching on the Sophie teether for long periods of time for many months, and from a young age (3 to 4 months) could easily grasp and hold her on their own.

Fresh food feeders

Freeze whatever you can think up or desire your teething children to eat — in an ice cube tray: chamomile tea, breastmilk, formula, a smoothie (whole fat, organic Greek yogurt + coconut water + fruit). Pop one ice cube out and into this teething gizmo for a wholesome, homemade popsicle treat. The Joy Boys go positively wild for these things. I’ll admit; there are times I have fed them three helpings in a row so that I could buy myself 30 minutes of non-teething-agony-related peace and quiet. Genius!

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But I know not everyone loves running. Running can be discouraging when you’re first starting up, or if you’re coming back to it after a long break. I was a newbie runner once too, and have come back to it after three pregnancies. So I know how that feels. But I’ve also learned some good tips for making the transition to running a little less painful.

1. Get a good sports bra. You don’t need a lot to run, but you do need a decent sports bra. True story – once I went for a run, came home, was hanging out with the kids a bit before taking a shower. Then when I finally went to take a shower realized that my boob had actually fallen UNDER the bra. Um. Yeah. Luckily I wear a shirt when I run. So. Get a good sports bra. It makes a difference.
2. Get your stride checked. Most running stores will check your stride for free. Even if you’ve had this done before, you may want to do so again after having a baby. Your feet, hips, stance – pretty much everything – can be different post-baby. Also while we’re on the subject of shoes – they should be replaced every 300-500 miles. Insider tip: you can tell when it’s time to replace them when you can easily bend the shoe backwards. You can also tell because you may start getting injuries. Don’t skimp on shoes.
3. Give your body time to heal. It can be so tempting to want to get your body back, but your body has been through a lot! Most doctors recommend waiting until after the six week postpartum doctor’s visit before doing any high-impact exercise. From experience, this seems like a good benchmark. I tried going back too soon before, and it ended up putting me further back than if I’d waited the six weeks.
4. Have a goal. I find it motivating to have something to be working toward. Right now I’m doing the 2015 challenge (2015 miles in 2015). But any goal from a 10 minute mile to a 5K to running 4 days a week is great! If you do train for a race, I really highly recommend Hal Higdon’s free running training programs. I ran my first marathon based on his beginner marathon plan and felt totally prepared.
5. Stretch. I need to take this advice myself. When I do stretch, I feel better. And get injured less.
6. If something hurts, stop. Don’t try to run through it. It will lead to more days off recovering than if you’d just walked it home.
7. Be prepared for some weird stuff. The first month or so back to running involved a lot of emergency trips to the bathroom and other fun with bodily fluids. It’s normal. And it will get better.
8. Find what works for you. Some people listen to music when they run, some need quiet. Some like to run alone, some with a friend. I usually do a mix of podcasts or silence, and run a few times a week with a friend while running the rest solo. I like mixing it up a bit.
9. Don’t compare yourself to what you used to be – or to anyone else either. If you used to run, it can be discouraging to get back into it and be minutes per mile slower than you once were. Well mama, you birthed a baby. Give yourself some slack. It will come back, give it time.
10. Don’t give up. It gets easier. My husband likes to say give it two years before deciding whether you like running. That may be slight exaggeration, but there will be a point when you can run 5 miles without feeling like you’ve been up all night with a crying baby. (Unless you’ve been up all night with a crying baby.) You can do it!

What advice would you add?

This post was syndicated with permission to BonBon Break Media, LLC.

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The post Running Tips for the Post-Baby Mama first appeared on BonBon Break.

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I guess you could say I got cocky.

When I was pregnant with #5, I made up for it with a 3-week stay in the hospital on bed rest. And I learned a lot — namely, that it isn’t like you think it is. There are four main things people don’t know about bed rest, and I really wished they did when it was me stuck in the hospital.

(Note: My bed rest was of the hospital variety, so I can only speak from experience about that. I read up a lot on bed rest while I was incarcerated and I know a lot of women do it at home, camped out on the couch with a cooler full of snacks and their toddler  ALL DAY until their husband comes home. I don’t even know how that works.)

1. I miss my family more than I miss you.

Of course I welcome your visit — we’re friends, right? And if you want to bring a movie and order a pizza that doesn’t come from the hospital cafeteria, that’d be awesome. But do you know what I really want? My family. I need them like a preschooler on a long car trip needs the bathroom.

I haven’t spent one second alone with my husband since I got in here. I’d love it if you’d stay with the kids for a few hours so he can come in and see me by himself.

Also, I’d love it if you’d drop one of the kids off to spend some one-on-one time with me. When I was on bed rest, most days Phillip did bring everybody to visit me — but with four kids packed into a little hospital room they couldn’t stay very long without getting bored and fighty and claustrophobic. That was hard.

2. Forget about me — I’ll be fine. It’s my family who needs help.

I might be a little bored but I’ll survive. My family is in crisis mode. They’re scrambling to cover for me, and my poor husband is trying to do both of our jobs without any advance warning at all. (And our closest family lives 1,500 miles away.) This is a five-alarm logistical nightmare.

We had a supportive church community that brought my family meals. Do that. We had great friends who had the older kids take the bus to their house after school. Do that, too. My stepmom ended up flying out to help for a week. If you can, definitely do this. Or give their kids a ride to soccer, or pick up some milk and bread for them at the store. Any little thing you can do for the family helps.

3. Please understand that this isn’t a vacation. If you say so, I might rip your face off.

Some people — not many, but some — are under the impression that being in the hospital on bed rest is actually restful. 100% of these people have never been on hospital bed rest. Trying to sleep alone with weird noises and lights, and nurses waking you up and an IV port digging into your arm every time you try to get comfortable, turns you into a zombie by Day Three.

I know things just slip out of our mouths sometimes, but try really hard not to refer to this as “time off” or “vacation” when you come to visit me in my 10′ by 10′ cell. I’ve been on vacation before and trust me, this ain’t it.

4. I’m an emotional basketcase and I’m not always ready to see you.

The worst part of bed rest isn’t the boredom (the kids call the computer desk chair in our house “Mom’s Chair,” so believe me when I say I’m perfectly capable of occupying myself all day using the hospital’s Wi-Fi connection.) It’s the emotional rollercoaster that’s really getting to me.

Doctors telling me different things on different days + missing my family + feeling like my kids’ lives are going on without me + all the regular crazy-hormones from just being pregnant = one hot mess.

So I’m not always going to be  company-ready. Yes, I’m not going anywhere, but still call first. I might be having a really bad day, and not feel up to visiting with you. At the very least, tell me when you’re coming so I can brush my hair before you show up. Also, knock. That’s just good manners.

A year and a half later, it’s still weird to drive by the hospital and think “I used to live there.” But we made it. The baby and I are both fine, after a somewhat traumatic delivery and recovery period (me), and a rough start in the NICU (him.)

We’re really grateful to all the friends and church members who helped us out during those difficult weeks and months. Go be that friend!

Head to the Family Room

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Apparently that was endearing to him, because after our awkward first dance, where we held each other at a safe distance — i.e. no less than 16 inches apart — and a shared can of Coca-Cola, we started dating. We broke up just three months later, but that is where it all began.

Fast-forward a few years. We rekindled our relationship at 17 where we fumbled through the strange dating days by eating  dinner at places like Rainforest Cafe and watching Arnold Schwarzenegger movies in cold, dark theatres (on our first Valentine’s Day!). Somehow we made it through and became high school sweethearts. Soon after, we became that “college couple,” the carryovers from high school that everyone expects to split up by winter break. But we didn’t. By 21, he was my fiancee and by 24, we were married. Were we ready to start a family? Hell no. But we were in the honeymoon period: that time of our lives where everything seems picture perfect and love always wins.

I don’t know when it ended; I don’t know when I stopped looking into his eyes and loving him, but by the time I gave birth to our daughter in the summer of 2013, I had traded compassion for contempt, and I was watching our 12-year relationship and 15-year history, dissolve into nothing more than a tearful puddle on our bathroom floor.

I was so engrossed with new motherhood I didn’t notice it at first, but we weren’t speaking. Sure, we talked about the color of our daughter’s poop and how many times she had awoken that day, but the conversation was strained. We were struggling to make small talk. We were struggling to find ourselves and each other, and instead of dancing together, we now danced around each other — in a semi-choreographed routine based solely on avoidance.

No one warns you how much having a child can change your marriage. Our foundation was rocky going into it, but I thought it would get better. I thought we would pull closer, pull together as a parenting team. Instead, we were drifting further apart.

I found myself wondering if I still was still in love with him or just in love with the idea with him. I found myself fantasizing about divorce.

Then my daughter, um — how shall I say this — voided her bowels in my husband’s hands.

“Well, move her away from my head; I don’t want her to poop on me!” (Sleep deprived and having spent the whole day wrist-deep in infant diapers and endless bowel movements I wasn’t willing to take any chances. I’m also pretty sure I didn’t say poop, but that is beside the point.)

No sooner did I say that, no sooner had her glistening little booty been moved away, then it happened. She began crapping in her father’s hands.

To say it was everywhere would be an understatement: the runny mustard-colored turd was dripping between my husband’s fingers, into the sink, and onto the floor.

He screamed and laughed, laughed and screamed. “What do I do! What do I do?!”

Gasping for air, hunched over and holding my stomach — my side literally hurt from the hilarious scene unfolding before my eyes — I squeaked, “Hold her over the sink until she’s done.”

By the time she was done, not one but two movements later, tears were rolling down our faces, tears he couldn’t wipe thanks to the feces running between each and every finger.

It seems strange to say that stool brought us back together, but it did. You see, when you are faced with a mess, you have two choices: buck up and clean it, or stand there, covered in crap. And when the bath was over (Daddy’s and our daughter’s), the tears wiped from our eyes and the house once again quiet, we chose to wipe up our mess. I won’t say it was easy; in fact, it took more than two years and couples therapy to make it work, but it did work. Because we decided it had to work. Because we chose to clean it up.

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