“Thank you for my new toy.”

“Thank you for reading to me.”

“Little Brother, thanks for the balloon. Thanks for getting my favorite color.”

When I hear my boys say these things, unprompted by me, I feel…well…thankful. I am grateful that they are starting to appreciate what they have and what others do for them and to recognize that expressing their gratitude to others is kind and important. I’m grateful that something we’re doing must be paying off.

So, just how do parents raise grateful children? I’m not an expert on gratitude, but I am sure that appreciation is not taught with a single, mind-changing lesson. Rather, the lessons are in the every day. And it isn’t just about teaching appreciation for things. Appreciating experiences and other people are important too. Here are…

11 ways to raise a grateful child

1. Tell him thank you.

Much like “give respect to be respected,” children learn to appreciate by being appreciated. Thank your child for clearing the table, for playing nicely with his little sister, for waiting patiently while you finish a phone call. Thank him for just being a downright awesome kid. Show him how it feels to be appreciated and have his effort recognized, what gratitude sounds like, and how easily it can be a part of daily life.

2. Let him hear you thank others.

Our children learn so much by watching us. We can tell our kids to be grateful, but showing them what that means is so much more powerful. Point out the kind thing a neighbor or even a stranger did, and express how much you appreciate it. Tell your spouse thank you for making dinner, for helping with baths, for being a great parent. Let your kids hear you express appreciation for these things that are so easy to take for granted.

3. Don’t give her everything she wants.

Is it cliche to say that kids who have everything will appreciate nothing? When my oldest was a preschooler, I worried about him having a serious case of the gimmes. Maybe it was just his age, but I have to think that my tendency to bring home little gifts “just because” and indulge his every wish when we went shopping was part of the problem. We made a conscious effort to scale back – a lot – and I noticed a big improvement in his appreciation for the things we did give him.

4. Give her the things she needs, and provide her with opportunities to earn the things she wants.

Earning can take many forms, like a reward for accomplishing a certain goal or an allowance for chores. Even if you don’t want to tie an allowance to chores, the simple expectation that kids use their own money buy “extras” helps them to understand that many experiences and things require someone’s hard work. (When my boys ask for something at the store, I often ask if they are willing to spend their own money. If the answer is no, my response is usually that if it isn’t something they want badly enough to spend their own money on, they shouldn’t expect me to spend my money on it.)

5. Keep rewards reasonable.

It doesn’t take much to make kids happy, but when they constantly receive big rewards we are setting them up to think big is a way of life. A 50 cent allowance for a kindergartner is enough. When kids are potty training, stickers or M&Ms do the trick. They don’t need a new toy every time they poop or $10 a week. Save the big stuff – video games, a trip to the amusement park – for special occasions or celebrating really big accomplishments, so that it holds its value.

6. Call her out when she is unappreciative.

This doesn’t mean lecture the poor kid about how ungrateful she is, of course, but gently let her know, “Hey, you’re really taking this for granted and it’s not okay.” We’ve run into this at dinner time a lot. If the boys moan and groan about what we’ve served for dinner, our response is something along the lines of, “I think what you mean to say is ‘Thank you, Daddy, for taking the time to cook us dinner tonight.'” This usually stops them in their tracks. It lets them know they can appreciate the work that goes into making dinner, whether or not they like what’s on their plates!

7. Give back.

There are so many ways to give back to our community and to those in need. Rather than doing this solo, involve the kids and talk about what you are doing. Together, select a toy for Toys for Tots. Volunteer to help your local food bank with gleaning. Make care packages for the local homeless shelter. Encourage your child to put a small part of her allowance in the Salvation Army kettles in December. Participate in a walk-for-a-cause.

8.  Help your child see the need around her.

Need can come in so many forms. No matter your family’s situation, you can likely find examples in your community of people in greater need. Talk about why the Toys for Tots boxes are placed around town at the holidays. Point out the food bank when you drive by and talk about why it exists. As you tuck your child in at night, talk about how some children are not so lucky to have warm beds and a fridge full of food. If those things are a struggle for your family, help your child appreciate being healthy and loved. Those things seem so basic, but they are worth appreciating!

9.  Teach your child about developing countries.

Not in a “Woe are the poor people in those other countries” kind of way, but in a more specific way. Talk about how some countries do not have clean drinking water or medicines available. Find examples in the news or books to share with your kids. Sponsor a child through Food for the Hungry and have your child exchange letters with her, and talk about why your sponsorship is important. Help your child to recognize that there is a world beyond her own.

10.  Incorporate daily gratitudes into your family’s routine.

Whether it is part of your dinnertime routine, bedtime, or some sort of gratitude journal, encourage your child to find things to be thankful for every day. Help him to notice the little things that we so often take for granted.

11.  Write thank you notes.

Good ol’ fashioned thank you notes. They are more than a polite formality. They can also help children to realize that the fact a person gave them a gift or came to their party or did something especially nice for them is worth being recognized and acknowledged.

What do you do, to encourage gratitude and appreciation in your children? Please scroll on down to the commend share your stories!

Check out these posts from Musing Momma:

• Spilled Frappucinos: Letting Kids Experience Disappointment
• Three Magic Words that Encourage Respect

CONTINUE READING IN THE FAMILY ROOM

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• How to Raise Independent Kids
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• What “I’m Sorry” Teaches

The post 11 Ways To Raise A Grateful Child first appeared on BonBon Break.

My vision of the perfect summer with my kids was completely squashed. At 7 and 3, they are both very independent. They adore and hate each other in the same breath. They will play side-by-side or together and it will seem like the world is alright, but when the arguing starts…it doesn’t stop.

I should preface this by telling you that my daughter is a screamer. She has been since she was born. We gave my son headphones to wear when she would get going as a babe to keep him smiling near his new sister.

She brought out the screamer in me, and my son, and my husband. Everyone is screaming.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it isn’t her fault. It is just the way it happened and I reacted. We all reacted.

When I called my husband, I was at my wit’s end. There had been nothing but screaming for days. I couldn’t take anymore. I was tired; emotionally and physically spent.

I kept telling myself to rise above the clamor, to soothe their nerves and teach them to calm themselves and to compromise with one another. Work to solve the problem and then the problem is solved. I have read the books, the posts, been to the classes. It. Should. Work. It wasn’t.

It always started with me using the skills I was taught and then, after I was worn down, there would be screaming, tears, apologies, hugs and cuddles. This wasn’t a cycle I wanted to continue. I couldn’t live my life feeling frayed.

And then I read THIS post. Amanda, from Dirt and Boogers, wrote about the importance of physical reminders. She created little yellow hearts all over her house as reminders not to yell. She was inspired by another favorite, Alissa from Creative with Kids.

I decided to try it. I needed something, but the thought of hearts everywhere wasn’t working for me. I am a physical person. I need to be removed from a situation to get clarity.

While my son and daughter started bickering over a Ninjago character’s head, I walked over to their art table, grabbed a piece of yellow construction paper and a pair of their kiddie scissors. I folded the paper in half and started cutting. Immediately, I had their attention. “What are you making mama?” “Just keep watching”, I responded. I won’t lie. I was shaking and crying as I was cutting out the heart.

When the heart was done, I placed it on the table and asked them what it was. “A pretty yellow heart! I love it!”, gushed my daughter.

“I’m glad you love it, because it is going to live in our house.” I walked over to the wall in the center of our house and taped it up there. “What are you doing?”, asked my son.

“I am putting this heart here because I care about you, I care about your sister and I don’t want to yell anymore. I don’t want to yell anymore because I care about you and I love you.”

I explained that there wouldn’t be anymore yelling in our house. If we felt like we were going to yell, we would walk to the heart and place our hand on it. We would breathe and count to 5 and then walk in the other direction until we felt composed.

As arguments started over the course of the day, I would ask one or both of the kids to “put their hand on the heart”. I used it three times, before I ever allowed myself to get angry and my kids watched me walk to the wall, place my hand on the heart and catch my breath.

This morning, I felt myself getting frustrated while we were heading to the car with soccer gear flying in all directions. I pictured the heart, kept walking and placed my hand over my own heart. Three days in and I still get teary every time I use it. I know I am making a commitment to my family and to myself each time I choose that yellow heart over anger and frustration.

We have been using it and it works for us. I am sharing in case it might work for you. It is a hopeless feeling to get angry with the people you love the most in the world.

I owe a heartfelt “thank you” to Alissa and Amanda for changing the dynamics in our home.

Please visit Alissa’s post: The Day I Realized I Was Bullying My Kids and Amanda’s post: How to Stop Yelling: a simple tip that works to read the inspiration behind this post and to see their interpretations. In addition, Amanda has started a Facebook group called “The Stop Yelling Challenge” and she has a great way to put inspirational mantras around your house.

If you need help finding mantras, Shawn from The Abundant Mama Project shared these on BonBon Break a couple of years back and I visit them frequently.

Don’t give up. You can do this.

This post was written by Val Curtis exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC

READ MORE PARENTING POSTS

The post I Had to Stop Yelling first appeared on BonBon Break.

As girls enter the tween and teen years, this widening gulf can seem particularly great between mothers and daughters. How can we stay connected to our girls as they navigate the often tricky path of adolescence?

Here are five ways to keep your tween and teen daughters close on those days you feel you are growing apart:

#1: Connect without words. During adolescence, words often drive us further apart, can sometimes be misconstrued or can just add to the “noise” in all our lives. Give her a hug or a pat on the shoulder to tell her you care without saying anything. Touch can send her a powerful set of messages: I’m here. I see you. I love you.

#2: Write her a love note. We all need encouragement, our girls included. Put a loving note in her backpack, her lunchbox, in her toothbrush holder, in her underwear drawer, on her pillow or in another location you know she will see it. With all our busy schedules, we can miss each other in those hectic hours after school. When she is feeling empty, as many girls do during this tumultuous stage in their lives, kind words can fill her up and encourage her to come to you for support when she needs it.

#3: Listen more. Look her in the eyes and ask her, “What’s on your mind?” and give her your undivided attention as she answers. Try to avoid thinking about what you are going to say next or what advice you might give her. Many times she doesn’t need an opinion, a solution, a judgment but rather just to be heard. As she has the chance to reflect (which doesn’t happen often for any of us), she gets to know herself better and grows more confident. If asking about her day doesn’t go over well, try asking her, “What’s wrong with adults?” and see what she has to say. You might learn a lot!

#4: Spend time with her. Surprise her with something she would like, whether it’s taking her out to lunch during the school day or telling her it’s time to go to tutoring but taking her to get ice cream instead. If something spontaneous isn’t in the cards, ask her to come up with something fun to do together and try to make it a regular “date”. Keep your digital distractions at bay when you are together by putting your phone on silent and away so you can enjoy each other’s company.

#5: Lighten up. One of the reasons our girls seem so stressed is that everything seems high-stakes, whether it’s making the volleyball team, getting a part in the school play or acing the physics test. Help her be more lighthearted by bringing more play and fun into your family life. Laugh at her jokes. Use your sense of humor. Make fun of yourself. Be willing to look silly or ridiculous. Show her that not everything is a big deal. Being a kid (and an adult) is supposed to be fun!

Even from a distance, it’s awe-inspiring to see our girls discover the unique and special people they are becoming, right in front of our eyes.

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This post was written by Barb Steinberg exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC

The post 5 Ways to Connect With Your Tween / Teen Daughter first appeared on BonBon Break.

Yup! I also keep a few card games in my bag. Forget bandaids – I rarely ever have those (yes, they are in the van) – but, I always have a few games for my kids to play.

Let’s chat about the worksheet:

Games to Play with Your Kids in Restaurants

Tic-Tac-Toe

Your traditional game. Xs and Os. These can always continue on the back, but there are enough to get the game going.

Dots

This is also an easy way to pass the time. Each player draws a line until they form a box. If they form a box, they place their initials in it AND they get to make one more line. The player with the most boxes wins. If you need more details directions, go here.

Word Bomb

This is an alternative to Hangman. I just can’t play that version of this game anymore. Another conversation for another day, but just think about it, m’kay?

Here is how you use this game board:

1. Create your dashes for the word or phrase in the bottom.
2. Use the middle space to write incorrect guesses.
3. Every time the player guesses an incorrect letter, a section of the fuse is crossed out. Once the last section is crossed out… BOOM!

There are some other suggestions across the bottom that do not require a pen or pencil.

I Spy

One person picks something in or out of the restaurant and others at the table have to guess what that item is by asking “yes or no” questions. They can ask if it is something to eat? Is it furniture? Is it outside? Is it red? Is it in our booth? The game ends when someone guesses or they give up.

ABC Spy

We love this one in restaurants and on the road as well. The idea is that you have to work your way around your space by identifying things that start with each letter of the alphabet. If it is a place you frequent, don’t allow for repetition. for younger players, have them find the letters on the menu.

20 Questions

We play this one at dinner, in restaurants, on the road, just about everywhere. The way we play is that the caller has to provide the players with 3 clues.

The older your kids get, the tricker they become about the clues. I love to introduce this idea by saying, “Ok, my item is black, white and red.” The kids look about madly to see if it is something in their immediate area. Nope. I will cut to the chase… it is a newspaper. Black, white and READ. They really start to have fun with this play on words and I am always surprised by what they come up with! Glaciers, asteroids, rainbows and the World Cup have all made it into the game.

1 0r 2?

This is a game for two players. Place seven sugar packets in a row. Player 1 may take away one or two sugar packets. Player 2 may also take away one or two packets. Continue to take turns in this manner. The one who is left with the last sugar packet loses. The loser gets to go first in the next round. This is an awesome game to teach your kids how to develop different strategies.

Would You Rather?

This is another game we play all of the time. My daughter loves to climb into bed in the morning and do a few rounds. I think she loves it because it always cracks us up!

Would you rather kiss a donkey or eat a worm?

Would you rather live in the mountains or down by the beach?

Would you rather swim in the ocean or in a pool?

Would you rather go on vacation with Bear Grylls or Simon Cowell?

You get the idea…

Some of the links here will take you to Amazon.

If you make a purchase, we receive a little bonus which feels like a hug for creating great content for you!

Games to Keep in Your Bag

A deck of cards

So many options with War being the easiest. Here is a great source for card games to play with your kids.

Uno

This is the classic game of matching colors and numbers. Buy here.

Blink

This game is similar to Uno, but it is FASTER! The speed element really gets kids going. Buy it here.

Rat-a-Tat Cat

This game is SO awesome.  This is just a great game to have in your bag of tricks. It’s competitive, requires some strategy and has an element of surprise. We play it at home, on the ferry, camping, on the road, and in restaurants. Buy it here.

So there you go. You should feel safe to head out the door and give yourself a break from making dinner tonight! Don’t forget to download our printable worksheet.

Click here to print

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The post 11 Games to Play with Your Kids in Restaurants first appeared on BonBon Break.

While there’s rarely one answer to a kid’s struggles — and there’s no substitute for open communication — sometimes media can offer a fresh approach to old problems. And if your kids really want to change course, finding what works for them can be a real self-esteem booster.

These books, apps, and websites can help kids gain perspective, as well as practice positive habits around communication, time management, self-regulation, and organization. Check out our Homework Help Apps, Time Management Apps, and Note-Taking Apps for Tweens and Teens for even more ideas.

Get Organized

Do you need a hazmat suit to explore your kid’s backpack? Does note taking mean scribbling three sentences across a page? Does “I’ll do it tomorrow” really mean, “I already forgot what you said”? Use some tools to create a new routine.

• Choiceworks Calendar. 8+
  With lots of visuals to choose from, this planner empowers kids to organize their time.
• 30/30. 10+
  Use this timer to help kids break larger tasks into smaller ones.
• SoundNote. 14+
  Because kids can sync audio with written notes, this app can help kids get information in multiple ways and keep them organized.

Study Smarter

Press the reset button on study habits with some tools that might help build necessary skills.

• GeoWalk HD – 3D World Fact Book. 8+
  Kids can explore a wide variety of facts in bite-sized, visually appealing chunks.
• BrainPop. 10+
  Videos and animated content serve up lots of educational information.
• Yup – homework help with Math & Chemistry Tutors. 13+
  Through the app teens can contact qualified tutors who will walk them through problems step-by-step.

Communicate Clearly

Smooth out the rough edges with some social-skills practice that will help make a fresh start.

• The Social Express II. 8+
  This game helps kids understand the “hidden rules” of social communication and includes a social network.
• LikeSo. 11+
  When kids need to tone down teen-speak for formal presentations, this app tracks words and phrases they’d rather omit.
• ConversationBuilder Teen. 13+
  Through scripts and situations, kids can practice their communication choices.

Forge Positive Friendships

Leave the drama behind with social networks that encourage positive interaction.

• Yoursphere. 9+
  This social network is a safer starting place for younger users who want to practice their digital citizenship skills.
• Kidzworld. 11+
  Short articles, social networking, and self-expression come together on this kid-friendly site.
• Sit With Us. 13+
  Created by a teen, this app helps kids find friends (and a place at a lunch table) without the risk of public humiliation.

Reflect and Reframe

Put things in perspective and remind kids they aren’t alone through the pages of these books.

• About Average. 8+
  This anti-bullying book can help empower kids to seek solutions.
• Addie on the Inside. 11+
  Told through poetry, Addie’s story covers a lot of emotional ground and features a brave female protagonist.
• King Dork. 15+
  This realistic coming-of-age book is a relatable read for teens who don’t love high school.

Boost Self Esteem

Widen kids’ focus to helping others and creating a purpose outside of school.

• New Moon Girls Online. 10+
  Kids can publish and post through this girl-focused, moderated site.
• Youth Service America. 13+
  This website connects teens with service experiences and lets them share through blogs and videos.
• Charity Miles – Running & Walking Distance Tracker. 13+
  As kids exercise, they also earn money for their chosen charities.

This post was syndicated with permission from Common Sense Media and written by Christine Elgersma.

The post Ultimate Clean-Slate Handbook for Kids first appeared on BonBon Break.

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Here’s the thing: Actually using parental controls — just like parenting — is a process. And the devices and software aren’t a solution on their own. What these products do — manage screen time, block inappropriate content, and make sure kids are behaving on online — is ultimately what we want kids to be able to do by themselves. In other words, at some point, we want to hand over control. Easier said than done, right?

The solution is to focus on the key areas you want to tackle. That will make whatever parental control you choose more useful. And simplifying and sharing these goals — when you can — will help your kids understand what they’re working towards.

Remember, you want to support your kids’ learning the same as anything else: set clear expectations, be consistent, and talk about what they’re doing.

(For parental controls buying advice, PC Magazine offers in-depth product reviews and recommendations.)

GOAL: “I want to be able to control how much time my kids spend online — without taking their devices away — and make sure they don’t have access to stuff they’re not ready for.”

What to look for. The ability to pause the internet, set timers, lock individual devices, and block/filter specific types of content. You might be able to get away with the parental control features already built into your device’s operating system or available in a free app. Apple offers Family Sharing, Guided Access, and other restrictions, and is introducing new Screen Time features in its upcoming iOS 12. If you use Android, the operating system Pie will offer information about device use, and Google’s Family Link app for Android allows you to set time limits and restrict content. Devices like XFinity’s xFi or Circle with Disney let you do things like shut down the internet via an app and block certain content.

Before you begin. Blocking content probably won’t cause too much conflict (if they can’t see it, they’ll eventually forget it). And preventing access to stuff that’s inappropriate is non-negotiable. Turning off the internet without warning, however, is what exasperated parents refer to as “the nuclear option.” Call a family meeting and talk about your goals, concerns, and overall approach as a family: Under what circumstances will you pause the internet? At dinner time? After two warnings? Develop a system so that your kids understand the rules and expectations.

Troubleshooting. Even though they know the limits, kids will ask for “just one more minute.” Try to be consistent. Maybe one more minute is OK, but after five it’s go time. If your kid claims that they need the internet to finish their homework, tell them the internet can stay on if they’re not multitasking (i.e. chatting, texting, playing Fortnite, or scrolling on social media), and keep an eye on them. Determine in advance how sympathetic you’re going to be when they can’t get their homework done by a certain time. They’ll need to learn to work within their limits, and if they can’t, you’ll need to intervene to get them on track. As for filtering and blocking content, be aware that kids can get around almost anything and content blockers aren’t foolproof.

Path to self-regulation. Once you’ve established device-free times and zones, and it seems like you’ve all fallen into the habit, consider going a few days without using the parental control and talk about how you did. Check in with your family: How’s it going? Are the goals the same? What are the challenges and how can you problem solve?

GOAL: “In addition to setting time limits, I want to get details about what my kid is doing online —  like what apps they’re using and what sites they’re visiting — and I want to know who my kid is texting with/talking to.”

What to look for. The ability to set time limits, block and filter content, receive reports about your kid’s online activity (what sites they’ve visited and how long they’ve spent on them), and a call history/contact list. Products like unGlue and Habyts can set time limits, show you the apps and sites your kids are using, and build in elements meant to help form solid habits.

Before you begin. If you’re just trying to prevent trouble before it starts, let your kids know what your biggest concerns are and why. It’s important for them to know that you’re not trying to spy on them or catch them doing something wrong, but to guide and support them. It’s also important to listen and get some buy-in, since it helps avoid conflict later. If you’re considering this type of tool because there’s been a breach of trust or some other shenanigans, you can frame it as a means to get back on track.

Troubleshooting. Decide what you’re going to do with all of the information you gather. Are there very specific concerns you can focus on (for example, too much time watching YouTube and not enough time doing homework)? Also, if you’re worried about specific people your kid is contacting or particular content they’re accessing, know that they could find a way to do an end-run around your controls by using someone else’s phone or hacking the controls. A positive relationship with your kid is a key ingredient to them staying open and honest, so find a way to work online monitoring into that relationship.

Path to self-regulation. Find ways to scale things back as you go, letting your kids know that you’re moving from, say once-a-day checks to twice-a-week, etc. Keep talking about the habits you want them to build and how they can be safe online.

GOAL: “I want to see as much as I can, including social media posts, pictures, email, and texts.”

What to look for. The ability to track and monitor social media content and messages — not just the time spent on Instagram or Snapchat. Avoid programs that require you to “jailbreak” the device. Programs like TeenSafe, Social Judo, and MamaBear let you read your teen’s social media posts, track their phone calls, and even see how fast they’re driving.

Before you begin. There’s some evidence to suggest that getting this far into your kids’ business can damage your relationship. But if you feel it’s necessary to see everything they’re saying and doing, perhaps because of previous transgressions, brushes with cyberbullying, or you’re just protective and concerned, consider being open and honest about the fact that you’re monitoring. Talk about why you feel it’s necessary, what you’re looking for, and what privacy you are willing to give them (because teenagers need some privacy as a part of their development). Try not to set up a game of cat-and-mouse (where you shut down one thing only to have your kid find a way around it). Your kid will play it — and win. If you’re monitoring the phone or device because you’re concerned that your kid is at risk, plan ahead for how you’ll handle sensitive information you gather.

Troubleshooting. You know that line from Jurassic Park, “Life finds a way”? The same is true of kids. While you’re monitoring one Instagram account, your kid may already have set up another. When kids feel like you’re spying on them, they often try to be more secretive. Make sure that they know you’re not trying to catch them doing something wrong or set them up for failure. Share your worries and your desire for their ultimate safe and responsible online behavior. Be clear about what’s OK and what’s out-of-bounds.

Path to self-regulation. Let them know what they need to do to end the monitoring. Is it when they buy their own phone? Get to a certain age? Do they need to prove something or earn trust? Define what it will take for them to have a bit more privacy and let them know you’ll still need to check in and want to stay involved in their online lives.

This post was syndicated with permission from Common Sense Media.

READ MORE HELPFUL PARENTING ARTICLES:

11 Ways To Raise A Grateful Child

The post A Step-by-Step Plan for Setting Up Parental Controls first appeared on BonBon Break.

The other day I was talking to a friend about how frustrating and tiring it is saying no to my kids all of the time.

Can I play Fortnite? No.

Can I get a smartphone? No.

Can I text? No.

Can I watch “Deadpool”? No.

Can I get an Xbox? No. 

Should I have a girlfriend right now? No.

As we were talking, I realized that it didn’t end there with each of those questions. They all turned into conversations. I don’t say “no” on a whim. I don’t say “no” because I am a mean mom. I say no because I am taking my job seriously and part of that is preserving childhood.

In an age where our president says incredibly inappropriate things, high school shootings and the internet (AKA instant access to allthethings), my job is to preserve a smidgeon of innocence in their world when our world is most definitely rated R on the best of days. During a recent workshop on online safety, they shared that the average age for childhood exposure to porn is 10. 10. That is deeply troubling.

I know that preserving childhood isn’t forever and now that we have a tween, we are opening the gates a little at a time. I also know that every house operates under a different set of rules and the inevitable “but ___ gets to!” is interjected into the conversation, so I turn those questions into discussions on the bigger issues. The best tool I have been given is to ask them questions.

Can I play Fortnite?

Let’s talk about it. First, it is a first-person shooter game. We don’t allow those. Here’s the bigger issue. This is a game that is designed to make you addicted to it. Do you ever want anything to manipulate you in that way? We read several articles together that discussed the pros and cons and he decided against it. We also set up our household screentime rules and figured that this game would cause more friction than anything else. But hey, let’s play a little Fifa Soccer after you finish your chores!

Can I get a Smartphone?

The easiest target here was finances. If we are paying for a phone and service, what is he willing to give up? The short answer, nothing. Also, we don’t feel that our 7 and 11-year-olds need access to allthethings.

We did, however, get him an iPod for 5th-grade promotion and we set it up so it only plays music. He adores music and we share playlists and he is often our morning DJ to get us going.

When he was gifted the iPod, he was in total disbelief. “Really?!?” “Yes, you have shown us that you are mature enough to take care of it.” He was over the moon. It gave him some responsibility and freedom within a safer environment.

What do you think the rules should be? He came up with the rules: No songs with explicit lyrics. It gets plugged in next to our bed by 9. The iPod goes away during family time unless he’s the DJ. It doesn’t go outside.

Simple.

Can I text?

This one came shortly after the iPod came. The answer was no because I have seen over and over how this trips kids up and makes the regular ups and downs of the tween and teen years magnified and it can quickly get out of control.

In our school district, we held a teen panel for parents and when the teens were asked how old a kid should be when they get a smartphone, they agreed on 16. “Too much drama, too quickly.”

Developmentally, kids during these ages are very impulsive. Even the BEST (what is that?) kids are impulsive and that’s ok, that’s how they are designed. However, adding tools as fuel to an already difficult time is scary. One friend shoots a video, sends it to another who sends it to another. It is faster than a wildfire.

Growing up, we wrote notes and when a friend tried handing it to another person, we ran over, grabbed it, tore it into a thousand little pieces and it was done. That just doesn’t happen for kids these days. Things are said, done and created and they get shared over and over. That’s incredibly brutal.

I always tell my students and kids, once you have something out there, whether is a picture, text or video, there is no bringing it back in. Don’t put anything out there that you don’t want shared on the news. Plain and simple. Parents, if you need something to push you one way or the other, please watch this video from Amanda Todd. Here is a link to her story. (trigger alert)

Can I watch “Deadpool”?

The easy answer to all movies and games for us is going to Common Sense Media. We look up the movie or game in question and I read the review. No, I don’t read the review with my kids because often times they are describing what is inappropriate about a movie. So, let’s use “Deadpool” as an example. When we type it in, it shows that the suggested age is 17+ and that it is “Gory, profane, sexy superhero story great, but NOT for kids.” Thanks, Common Sense! There are times it has said “12+” for a movie, but after reading through the details and the “What Parents Need to Know” and “Talk to Your Kids About” sections, we decided our 11-year-old was mature enough to deal with the “issues” and we would talk about them.

The beauty is that we have been using this tool since our kids were born and as a result, they default to it. Once there is a no, our next question is “Let’s take a peek to see what we haven’t watched on their lists!”

Can I get an Xbox?

We have a Wii and honestly, I love Xboxes. The hard truth was that it wasn’t in our budget. It’s ok for your kids to know that. I follow up by asking which new games interest her and maybe we could add those to her birthday wishlist.

Should I have a girlfriend right now?

In 5th grade, my son was getting a LOT of pressure to have a girlfriend and we talked about it quite a bit. Now this story is his and not mine to tell, but I can tell you that we talked about how awesome it is to have a lot of friends who are boys AND girls. We talked about the different stresses between being friends and “significant others”. The friend track was looking pretty inviting. I told him he would know when the time was right.

_____________________

Are my Nos always met with understanding and cheery dispositions? Absolutely not, and that’s where we need to have a backbone, but it’s worth it.  It’s especially nice when we can follow up with a few new Yeses.

Sometimes I say “No” when others don’t and I am ok with it. I am also ok with the fact that some parents say “Yes” when I say “No”. Each household has its own story and that is not for me to judge, I just take care of my own circus and my monkeys.

Oh ya, and if your kids come over, we might say “No” to them. If you aren’t comfortable with letting them ride their bikes to the store or going to the fields to play soccer, I am ok with you saying, “No”, too. I completely respect that and offer you a parenting high-five.

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Now that I have kids, the idea of sailing through life without a purse seems impossible.  My wallet bulges with insurance cards, library cards, and other necessities.  I carry two car keys, three bike keys, and a container of hand sanitizer.  I carry a checkbook and chap stick and a small bottle of Advil.  When I clean out my purse, I can usually find a small wadded bag filled with the dust of pulverized goldfish crackers.  And, of course, there’s always a Sharpie.

My husband has kept a Sharpie tucked in his pocket for as long as I’ve known him. I’ve watched him use it in a million different ways over the years — to label his science experiments in the inter-tidal, to jot down part numbers as he’s building equipment, to change his name on conference badges since they always display his given name rather than the one people might recognize.

It didn’t take long for me to start borrowing his Sharpie, and once I finally started carrying a purse, it seemed only obvious that I would tuck one inside. Whenever I pull it out of my purse to use, other moms marvel at what an on-the-ball, organized mama I am.

In truth, I’m usually just barely holding it together, so their amazement always make me laugh.  Having a Sharpie on hand means I don’t have to plan ahead for the following situations:

1. Keeping track of personal items.   It’s a universal law that kids will lose track of their possessions.  They get hot on the playground and take off their sweatshirts or they set down their backpacks at the library before running off to look for books. Once they set something down, they just forget about it.  Here’s the deal, though:  I’m forgetful, too.  I almost never remember to label my kids’ stuff before we leave the house. If I have a Sharpie in my purse, though, I can bust it out at school and add a name and phone number like I did the other day when my daughter wore her brand new coat to school for the first time.

2. Reducing waste.  If you’ve ever cleaned up after a kid birthday party, you’ve picked up a million mostly full juice boxes/water bottles/plastic cups. Kids seem to take one sip of a drink and then run off to play.  They set their beverages down and forget all about them.  When they’re thirsty again, they just grab another.  It’s so easy to reduce this waste by writing kids’ names on drinks. Once kids can write for themselves, they love to label their own drinks.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken out a pen and helped kids label their cups at various events.

3. Entertaining kids.  I have a small purse, and I don’t keep a full compliment of markers in it for my kids to use when we’re out and about. Sharpie will write on anything, though, and kids love to use them. Just make sure your kids know to put a magazine or paper bag under the doodling so it won’t bleed through onto the table or floor.  I’m lucky enough to have the sort of kids I can trust not to start writing on the walls with permanent marker, but I recognize that this isn’t universal.  Please don’t hate me if this one doesn’t work out for you.

4. Helping your kids find you if they get lost.  The first time we went to Disneyland with our kids, we Sharpied our cell phone numbers on their arms.  “If we get separated,” we told them, “find a mom and ask her to to call us.” We started doing this whenever found ourselves in crowded, bustling venues.  On multiple occasions, other parents have looked on in puzzlement as we scribbled with permanent marker on our children. Almost always, though, as soon as they see the phone number taking shape, their jaws drop.  And then they ask to borrow the Sharpie. I love this simple, easy safety-precaution that doesn’t require any fancy equipment or expensive tools. And it works! The one time we lost track of our youngest daughter for a few minutes, we retraced our steps and found her holding out her arm to a mom who was madly punching the digits into her cell phone. We got there before she even had time to call us.

If the idea of writing on your children doesn’t convince you to tuck a Sharpie in your purse immediately, maybe this last one will do it for you.

5. Keeping track of your wine glass.  Like a little kid at a party, I just can’t hang on to my drink.  It’s too hard to hold a plate and feed myself and sip wine and mingle all at the same time. Bringing personal wine charms would make me feel like a lush (and require some advance planning), but it’s easy to label my glass with a Sharpie if need I to set it down for a few minutes. Because I’m a good party guest, I always remove my name when I’m finished — simply scribble over your name with your Sharpie and wipe the surface clean with a paper napkin.  Cheers!

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• Activities to Keep Younger Siblings Busy

 This post was written by Suzanne Cowden exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC.

The post 5 Reasons to Keep a Sharpie in Your Purse first appeared on BonBon Break.

He’s working on a writing assignment. Writing does not come easy. Eraser smudges fill his page showing that he was not happy with his previous attempts.

“You’re not dumb, honey,” you say soothingly.

He crumples the paper and yells back, “Yes I am! I’m so stupid! I’m the worst!”

You hang your head in your hands.

Is he just being dramatic? Does he really think he’s dumb?

When negative self-talk spews from your child’s mouth, your knee-jerk reaction is to stop it. To give your child some reassurance or to convince them that their thinking is flawed.

Unfortunately, their words may match their feelings. They do not feel “loveable” or “wonderful” (as you may suggest), they feel “dumb,” “stupid,” and “like the worst kid in the world.”

Instead of moving in to fix it, try these ideas to address the underlying feeling and their internal struggle.

• Empathize:  Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand what they may be feeling. “That writing assignment’s pretty challenging, eh?” or “Wow, sounds like you’re feeling frustrated!” If you can’t think of what to say, try a simple response  like, “That’s tough” or “Need a hug?”

• Get curious:  Some kids have a hard time verbalizing the problem. When you start to explore the situation together, they may be able to understand what’s bugging them. “I wonder why this assignment is tripping you up today.” or “Is it all writing assignments or this one in particular?”

• Rewrite the script:  Once you’ve explored, you can work together to create some new phrases to try. Instead of “Writing is hard. I’m stupid,” your child could say, “I’m working hard on writing” or “Making mistakes is part of learning.” Or even, “Mom, I’m so frustrated with this assignment.”

• Problem-solve together:  Resist the urge to suggest a  solution to the problem or lead them to an answer that seems right to you. Work as a team. Sometimes, there is no easy solution or quick fix because the answer is, “I have to keep practicing” or “I am working toward the goal.”

• Challenge thoughts and feelings:  Feelings come and go, they do not define you. Your child may FEEL unloveable, but feeling something doesn’t mean it’s true. Someone can struggle and not be stupid. Talk about times when your child has overcome something difficult and felt confident or excited.

Keep your conversations brief, don’t tackle all of this at once.

You’re eager to help your child, but it’s not always easy to accept positive, reassuring comments if you’ve been in a negative-thinking frame of mind.  Expect some resistance at first. Especially if your child is not used to seeing things in a different light.

WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO?

Create an environment of support, encouragement and teach frustration tolerance using these tips.

• Give Choices: Let your child have the option to make choices throughout the day, picking their outfit, afternoon snack, or where to do their homework. Give positive feedback for good choices and watch your criticism! If you give them a choice, keep your negative opinions to yourself.

• Embrace Imperfection:  Everyone makes mistakes – even you! Practice using light-hearted responses to mistakes, “Oops! The milk spilled! Let’s wipe it up!” Model healthy ways to handle frustration, apologize after yelling, or acknowledge your part in a misunderstanding.

• Focus on the Good:  Instead of nit-picking or constantly focusing on things that need to be changed, fixed or cleaned, learn to let go. Building or repairing relationship may be more important than a tidy bedroom. Try to give five positive statements to every one negative statement.

• Encourage Independence: Kids need parents to help them make good decisions or stay focused, but sometimes constant direction sends the message: “You can’t do it on your own.” Brainstorm or problem-solve together, ask your child’s opinion or have him offer a solution.

• Value Perseverance:  Focus on the little steps that lead to success, overcoming an obstacle, or moving closer to a goal. Phrases such as, “You’re working really hard on that…” or “That took a lot of effort!” help your child see the benefit in the process rather than the prize at the end.

• Teach Coping Skills:  Expose your child to a variety of coping and calming skills, work on deep breathing and create positive, helpful mantras. Practice these skills often, so your child is prepared and knows how to handle frustrating situations and discouraging thoughts.

• Seek support:  If you have been working with your child for a while and still hear them struggling with negative self-talk, or if they threaten to harm themselves or others, it may be time to seek help from a local mental health provider. (If your child is suicidal, please get help immediately)

Looking up from your hands, you meet your child’s eyes.

“This is a frustrating assignment.”

“Yeah.” He replies.

“How can I help?” you ask.

Shrugging, he replies, “you could do it for me.”

You both laugh.

It doesn’t change the assignment, but at least you can talk about it without hearing the word “dumb.”

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Well, being the Sensible Moms that we are, we first turned to the law to figure out the “when.” Easy black and white answer, right? Noooo. Only a couple of states have laws setting the age at which children can be left home alone. For most other states, the local department of human services or the child welfare agency can provide general guidelines for your region.

Guidelines mean you ultimately have to make your own decision. Even though we live in Maryland, one of the few states that have a law setting the age, it didn’t do us much good because it’s eight years old. Eight? Really? That seems way too young to us.

So what it comes down to is evaluating EACH child for his or her readiness, the same thing you have to do with every single aspect of parenting. Why aren’t there ever any easy answers? At least there are simple questions to start you on the right path.

1. How responsible is your child?

• Can your child be counted on to complete homework and chores without being reminded?
• Is your child conscientious in following instructions and rules?
• Does your child usually make good decisions or is he or she prone to taking risks?

2. How does your child react to unexpected situations?

• Does your child panic or keep a level head?
• Does your child give up quickly and turn to you for solutions?

3. Does your child have first aid training?

• Has your child taken a babysitter course or some other Red Cross first aid training or been a part of a scouting first aid program?
• Can your child recite what to do in certain emergency scenarios without checking their notes?
• Does your child know where to find the reference materials from his or her first aid course?

These were the litmus test for us, but for further things to consider, we checked out Leaving Your Child Home Alone from our local children’s hospital.

It is ultimately your decision, but what about when you decide that your precious offspring is ready to stay home alone? You can’t just say, “See ya on the flip side!”

To that end, here’s what we decided — based on research, our guts, and good ol’ trial and error — our kids needed to know. We do like to say that we make the mistakes so that you don’t have to.

1. First Aid

This one is huge. The only way to ward off panic is to arm them with the knowledge of what to do in an emergency. Ellen had both girls take the Red Cross Babysitting course before she even thought about leaving them home alone. Erin’s daughter took the babysitting course, too, but her boys are all in scouting, and they all had their first aid merit badge before they stayed home alone.

When and how to call 911 goes hand in hand with this knowledge. Emphasize that in the case of a real emergency–such as fire or injury–to call 911 even before they call you. Make sure you give examples of when NOT to call and NEVER call 911 as a joke.

2. Who to call for help

As we mentioned, not all emergencies require 911 – like when the toilet overflows. For times such as these, there should be a list of relatives and trusted neighbors they can contact if they can’t reach you. This list should be prominently and permanently placed or programmed into their phones.

3. Your fire safety plan

You should have a fire safety plan, and they should have it memorized. Make sure they know if a smoke detector or a carbon monoxide monitor starts to alarm, their priority is to get out of the house, and only then go to a designated spot to make the emergency call. Physically go over escape routes and locations of escape ladders with them. Make sure they know to stay low and to “stop, drop, and roll.” They need to know your safe meet-up spot.

Furthermore, if you live in an area with frequent natural dangers like tornadoes, make sure they know what to do if the siren sounds.

4. How to use your alarm system

Here, you can learn from Ellen’s mistake. She drilled her daughter on how to turn it off when she got home from school. She neglected to tell her what to do if she failed to disarm it. Let’s just say the sheriff may have shown up.

5. How to shut off utilities

Let’s get back to that overflowing toilet. Their phone call to you should be to confirm they did everything correctly. They should know how to shut the water off to each toilet and sink, and where the main water shut-off is in your house. If you have natural gas, they should know where to shut that off, too.

6. Where the fuse box is located

They should know how to tell if a breaker is tripped and how to reset it. They should be aware that things like overloading a circuit with appliances can cause the breaker to trip, and these things should be unplugged before resetting the breaker.

7. What to do if the lights go out

Whether it be from a tripped breaker or an overall power outage, they need to know where the flashlights and batteries are kept. If a storm pops up, they should be instructed to think ahead and grab the flashlights before the power goes out. Under no circumstances should they use candles.

8. What appliances are they allowed to use

This encompasses how your kids are allowed to feed themselves, too. If they don’t use the stove and oven regularly when you’re home, it’s not a good idea to have them use it when you’re away.

Using the microwave is a safer bet, but make sure they know not to put metal in there and be very specific: no aluminum foil. It’s a good idea to go over all of the appliances in the kitchen: a toaster used improperly can cause a fire, and a blender with a poorly secured top can tie dye your ceiling. You need to be clear about your policy on kitchen knives, too.

If your kids are on the younger side, you probably don’t want them to use things that produce heat such as space heaters, curling irons/ flat irons, and steamers. We would say household irons too, but who the heck uses them anymore? Oh, and be clear that no power tools are to be used. Ellen once had a babysitter drill a hole on her kitchen table because she was making shell necklaces with her girls. Yeah.

9. Who not to call

For us, they are not allowed to invite over friends or call to have any food delivered. It’s not a good idea to ask a stranger to your door.

10. What to do if the doorbell rings

Making a rule never to open the door is almost a no-brainer, but should your child answer through the door? This is a tricky one. Ellen was never a fan of having her kids calling through the door, “My parents are busy” because it seemed equivalent to saying, “I’m home alone.” Therefore, she has always told them not to respond to the door. However, there is some fear about thieves knocking on doors to target houses to rob by seeing who is not home. If you have a barking dog, you have a pretty good live-in deterrent. If you don’t, did you know they make electronic barking dog alarms?

You also need to take the “don’t open the door to strangers” to a very specific place. Tell your kids never to respond to “Your parents are hurt, I need you to come with me now.” This is by far, a more common tactic than “Want some candy?”. Reassure them that a trusted relative or friend would collect them if something were wrong. Even if a police officer comes to the door telling them to open it, instruct them to tell the officer that they will call the police department for confirmation before opening the door.

11. What to do if the phone rings

The easiest thing by far is to let it go to voicemail, but if you do have your child answer it to make sure they never say they are home alone. They should also never identify themselves.

12. Are they allowed outside

This depends on your neighborhood and the lay of the land. Streams, creeks, and pools are completely off limits. They should know how to handle the dog needing to go out and what to do if a pet runs off.

13. Technology rules

You need to be very clear about how and when they can use the TV, computer, and i-Every-Little-Thing. There are programs and apps to control usage if you need help.

Staying home alone is just one more step in the dance of growing up. With preparation and practice, you can all do this!

Head to the Family Room

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 This post was syndicated with permission to BonBon Break Media, LLC.

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