35 Reasons Your Toddler is About to Blow by Science of Parenthood
If there is one thing we parents are universally really good at, it’s pissing off a toddler. It doesn’t take much; putting on our own glasses, preventing them from eating cat poop … We know they can’t help it, much like we can’t help losing it when they won’t go to sleep before Mad Men starts. We all have our limits!
Here are 35 of the many, many reasons your toddler might be about to lose their sweet, under-developed little minds:
- You cut his toast toast into squares, not triangles.
- You looked at him while he was still angry about the toast.
- You mentioned the P word (Potty).
- You wouldn’t let him flat iron your hair.
- You wouldn’t let him flat iron the dog’s hair.
- You tried to to use the bathroom, alone.
- You told him tampons are not snacks … OR toys.
- He doesn’t believe you. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?!?
- You tried to help him brush his teeth.
- You tried to get him dressed within a 60-minute window.
- You mentioned the other P word (Pants).
- You tried to help with his shoes.
- You didn’t help him with his shoes within the nanosecond he decided he needed help.
- You tried to lift him into the car.
- You tried to buckle the car seat. (Because goddamn it! You’ve got to go!)
- You said, “We don’t eat candy off the sidewalk.”
- You opened his fruit snacks.
- You didn’t open his fruit snacks.
- You didn’t open his fruit snacks correctly.
- You blew on his pizza.
- You insisted on wiping the stream of snot and food from his face.
- You let another child sit on your lap.
- You let another child look directly at you.
- You spoke to a grown-up for more than three seconds.
- You didn’t stop talking immediately when he said, “Mom.. Mom… MOM…MOM!!”
- You (a bit too cheerfully) mentioned the N word (Nap).
- You offered him a broken cookie.
- You AGAIN tried to lift him into the car.
- … and AGAIN tried to help him buckle the car seat. (Because goddamn it! Now, you have to get home before he falls asleep!)
- You asked if you should read the wrong book.
- You started singing the wrong song.
- You prevented him from smacking your face for singing the wrong song.
- You snuggled him wrong.
- You tried to leave the room.
- You didn’t leave the room fast enough.
This partial list JUST takes us through nap time, surely you’ve got more!
We’re here every week!
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ABOUT NORINE & JESSICA: Science of Parenthood was created by writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and illustrator/web developer Jessica Ziegler.
Once upon a time, Norine met Jessica at one of those “it stays in Vegas” holiday parties — which actually sounds a lot more salacious than it actually was. A little while later, Jessica had a kid. Then Norine had a kid. Then Norine began developing a series of science-y/parent-y ain’t-that-the-truth-isms. Then Jessica came in and scribbled all over them. And Science of Parenthood was born. Norine and Jessica are not Nobel Prize-winning scientists … though they play them on the blog. Fortunately, Norine and Jessica are both married to their own adorable geeks, who explain all this science-y stuff to them at those times when recalling the laws of thermodynamics on three hours of sleep is simply too tall an order.