Not-at-all-Ridiculous Parental Fears by Science of Parenthood
Remember the days of being afraid of simple things like quicksand and serial killers and tax audits? Okay, we are still afraid of tax audits … But since having kids, we’ve developed a whole new crop of paralyzing, not-at-all-ridiculous fears. Not only are clowns playing a renewed role in our lives, there are other real … tangible … threats to our everyday sanity. These are just a few of the unexpected things that will make a parent shiver and shake:
Talking Toys: As illustrated to the right, there’s always that one toy … whose batteries are almost dead … that turns itself on at 2 AM to drone out the s-l-o-w-e-s-t, creepiest tune you’ve ever heard … fulfilling its final mission to scare the CRAP out of you.
Costumed Characters: Did you know that there are people who call themselves “plushies,” who have a sexual fetish for dressing in large stuffed animal costumes (like sports teams mascots) and get it on with other “plushies?” WELL, NOW YOU DO.
THAT smell: It seems like it’s following you … Maybe it’s coming from the minivan? Or the kid’s backpack? The laundry hamper…? What IS that? Rotten milk? Or rotten MEAT?!? Whatever it is, it is horrifying.
Your kid making his/her sport’s travel team: We have to be in WHAT state at WHAT time? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The wide “variety” of Santas: There are some seriously shady Santas out there. How do you reconcile the awesome real-bearded, jolly Santa in the gorgeous get-up at the posh mall with the drunk, emaciated Santa on the street corner, reeking of cigarettes and cheap booze in front of the Salvation Army bucket? From Thanksgiving on, we live in fear of seeing that little light bulb of recognition click on in our little ones’ heads.
The weather report: First day back from winter break — BOOM! Snow day. The horror …
The runny-nosed toddler who loves to hug: Oh my! Look at that little one over there with the green glop streaming down his face, poor ba- Oh sweet Jesus! Here he comes! RUN!!!
Candy on the sidewalk: OMG! What did you just put in your mouth?!? Please tell me that was a tootsie roll!!
Surely there are more, what have you got??
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ABOUT NORINE & JESSICA: Science of Parenthood was created by writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and illustrator/web developer Jessica Ziegler.
Once upon a time, Norine met Jessica at one of those “it stays in Vegas” holiday parties — which actually sounds a lot more salacious than it actually was. A little while later, Jessica had a kid. Then Norine had a kid. Then Norine began developing a series of science-y/parent-y ain’t-that-the-truth-isms. Then Jessica came in and scribbled all over them. And Science of Parenthood was born. Norine and Jessica are not Nobel Prize-winning scientists … though they play them on the blog. Fortunately, Norine and Jessica are both married to their own adorable geeks, who explain all this science-y stuff to them at those times when recalling the laws of thermodynamics on three hours of sleep is simply too tall an order.