Mama’s Back To School Supply List

Keesha Beckford and Jessica Ziegler

These days, as a parent, “Back to School” means buying your kids stylish new outfits and a truckload worth of school supplies for the classroom collective. In terms of the latter, I’m waiting for the day when we’re asked to buy our kids their own desk and a new dress for the teacher. We spend the days before our children return to school running all over town like deranged chickens and ordering online into the wee hours of the morning, just to prove that we are mothers extraordinaire, able to fulfill every obligation perfectly and meeting needs our children didn’t even know they had.I think I just heard a primal scream.

It’s okay, honey. Let your feelings out!

Now, like most things parenting, who’s lost in this equation?

You guessed it.



I mean, Hel-lo? What about our needs? Sure, we may be sitting home eating bonbons and watching HGTV all day, but we are just as involved in this school thing as those little people who will no longer be in our homes. Little people who spent the last months of their lives thinking we were their personal Julie the Social Director/Alice the Maid.

But seriously, all things school-related can turn motherhood – already an all-consuming job –into something that could have made Mother Theresa herself kick the lepers and shake her fists at the heavens. Don’t we moms deserve supplies that will keep us from hiding under the dining room table speaking gibberish and being hauled from our homes in a straitjacket? Don’t we moms need deserve new gear that could mean our very survival?

Don’t we deserve a back-to-school supply list of our very own?

Hell to the yes we do! And if the items below were available for public use, or existed at all for that matter, we’d be knocking each other down to get them.

  1. Beds with an “EJECT” button.

Beds with an “EJECT” button from Mama's Back to School Supply List

2. “Accepting That Your Child is (Maybe) Slightly Above Average” on Audiobook

3. Organic bully repellent spray

4. An anti-lice halo (also organic, of course!)

5. An invisibility cloak.

6. A Hazmat Suit

7. Common-core-homework-sensitive Wine Drip

Common-core-homework-sensitive Wine Drip from Mama's Back To School Supply List8. Self-preparing lunchboxes

9. Mitten clips for EVERYTHING

10. A badass mom-uniform.  Make that 5.

11. Wigs for impossible hair days

Wigs for impossible hair days from Mama's Back to School Supply List

12. An STFU app for asshat parents, kids, teachers, and coaches.

13. A supervisor who keeps us on schedule while the kids are gone

14. Kids’ breakfasts that vaporize if not eaten within 20 minutes

15. A vaccine against projects remembered at the last minute and lost permission slips

16. More relaxing and enjoying before they’re on their own.

Happy Back to School!

What do you need to get you through the school year?



ABOUT KEESHA: Before her two children re-choreographed her life, Keesha was a professional dancer who performed in the U.S. and in Europe. Today she teaches modern and jazz dance in the Chicago area. She is also the human cyclone behind the blog Mom’s New Stage. Keesha is one of the select contributing authors of In The Powder Room’s first anthology, You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth. Her writing has been featured on Mamapedia, The Huffington Post, in the New York Times bestselling anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone, and I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone. She was recently awarded a Voice of the Year Award for her Bonbon Break original piece, Dear White Mom.

Follow Keesha on Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Google +

JessicaHd2ABOUT JESSICA: Jessica Ziegler is Science of Parenthood’s co-creator, illustrator and contributing writer. Her writing and illustration have been published on The Huffington Post, and In 2015 she was named a Blogher Humor Voice of the Year. Her books include the highly acclaimed The Big Book of Parenting Tweets and The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets and the upcoming Science Of Parenthood: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations (Nov 2015) from She Writes Press.

Follow Science of Parenthood on: their blog | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Google +

This post was written by Keesha Beckford and illustrated by Jessica Ziegler exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC.