“Recipes” for Driving Mom Crazy by Science of Parenthood

Don’t you just love those adorable Pinterest graphics showing off beautifully plated, bite-size nutritious meals for kids, featuring all the colors of the rainbow? Gimme a break. What those pictures don’t show you is that kids presented with plates that look as if they’d been styled for a spread in Bon Appetit eat from exactly one pile —most likely the mashed potato pile —then feed the rest to the dog… or stash it in the heating vents for you to sniff out at some future date.

Kids have simple tastes. And those tastes run the gamut from noodles to cheese and right back again. If you believe you have one of those rare children who enjoys a nice kale salad with a side of barley toast, you:

A)     are in some serious denial and we need to talk
B)     have an epicurean dog that’s quick on the pounce
C)     are in for quite an olfactory assault. Plan to spend the next few months playing Where IS that stench coming from?

Don’t believe me? I have proof. When cleaning under my own son’s bed —hazardous duty to be sure —I unearthed a top-secret-for-kids-eyes-only folder that contained detailed instructions for driving parents absolutely bat-crap crazy at meal/snack time. As a public service to parents everywhere, I’m posting this here and WikiLeaks. What you are about to read may shock you. Brace yourself.

Cry Me A River Crackers

• 10 crackers
• Copious amounts of salty, salty tears

Examine each cracker for cracks and breaks. Upon finding a broken one, weep dramatically. Enjoy tear-soaked cracker bits while whimpering.

Grapes of Anxiety

• 20 grapes, seedless (of course)

Ask for grapes. They will likely be served peeled and cut into quarters. Refuse these and insist on whole grapes. Enjoy each grape slowly as your mom sits on the edge of her seat, imploring you to “CHEW!! For the love of God, CHEW!!”

 PB & Hide & Seek

• Peanut butter
• Any combination of crackers, toast, apple slices, celery, carrot sticks

Ask for peanut butter. When it arrives atop anything other than a spoon or your finger, lick off all of the peanut butter, taking care not to ingest any non-peanut-based food. Hide all of the smeared peanut butter vehicles. Demand more.

Hot & Cold Pizza

•         One slice of cheese pizza

Allow pizza to cool to a sub-arctic temperature. Remove the solid layer of cheese and enjoy. Leave the rest.

Or

Eat three bites of your sub-arctic pizza, decide the remainder is “crust”; ask for another piece. Do not eat the other piece.

Or

“Forget” to allow the pizza to become ice cold; touch the very tip of your tongue to the very edge of the warm pizza; scream like a banshee; refuse to eat pizza for the next two years.

Huff & Puff Fries

• 10 French fries

Insist that every French fry on your plate be blown on by a parent until it reaches a cold, waxy state. Watch as your parent becomes woozy and asthmatic from blowing on individual French fries for 20 minutes straight.

Raisin In A Cave

• One box of raisins

Ask for raisins. For every fourth raisin you eat, stick one up your nose. Get ready to see your parent pull an AMAZING face when you sneeze out five raisins right before nap time.

Drama Cheese

• 1 cheese stick

Ask for a cheese stick. When told you can go get it yourself, cry I CAN’T! When your parent relents and hands you the wrapped cheese stick, cry I CAN’T OPEN IT! When the parent opens it completely, collapse in a heap on the floor because they opened it all the way instead of just starting it so that you could do the rest. Demand a new cheese stick, as this one is ruined.

 

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ABOUT NORINE & JESSICA: Science of Parenthood was created by writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and illustrator/web developer Jessica Ziegler.

Once upon a time, Norine met Jessica at one of those “it stays in Vegas” holiday parties — which actually sounds a lot more salacious than it actually was. A little while later, Jessica had a kid. Then Norine had a kid. Then Norine began developing a series of science-y/parent-y ain’t-that-the-truth-isms. Then Jessica came in and scribbled all over them. And Science of Parenthood was born. Norine and Jessica are not Nobel Prize-winning scientists … though they play them on the blog. Fortunately, Norine and Jessica are both married to their own adorable geeks, who explain all this science-y stuff to them at those times when recalling the laws of thermodynamics on three hours of sleep is simply too tall an order.

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