14 Kiddie Milestones No One Tells You About

Dawn Yanek

Milestones. Admit it, as a new parent, you’re a little (or a lot) obsessed. When will my baby roll over? When will he walk, run, jump? When is it a real smile and not just gas? How many words should he say by the time he’s 1? When will he be potty-trained?

The list is so long, you could wallpaper your kid’s room with it.

But then there are the other milestones. The ones that all kids go through (read: you will go through) that you won’t find in any books.

Here are 14 of those milestones that will make you either blush, cry, shake you head or feel oddly proud:

1. Babys first realization that Mommy comes when calleder, screamedfor.

You’ll read it a million times: Young babies can’t manipulate you. If they’re crying, they need something. Older babies and toddlers? Yeah, that’s a whole different story. When you’re woken from a deep sleep by an “I’m being stabbed” type of scream, only to find a smiling child saying “mama” and reaching for your snuggly embrace at 3 a.m., you’ll understand.

2. Your beautiful, smiling, playful baby accidentally headbutts you.

And it’s so oddly forceful, you’ll think he’s knocked out your front tooth or broken your nose and actually consider going to the ER. Apparently neck control comes in phases.

3. Your baby comes down with his first stomach flu.

At some point, you will try to catch the vomit—in your hands. It makes no sense, but you will. Trust me.

4. Baby utters his first curse word.

And it will be because he heard it from you, even though you’ve told your husband to watch his potty mouth a million times. Your kid says 12 words, and now “sh*t” is one of them. Damn it!

5. Your newly crawling baby finds the one choking hazard that got kicked under the couch or the one non-babyproofed item in your entire home.

Even as you’re tackling your kid to the ground and prying open his clenched little mouth, you have to admit, that’s a certain type of talent.

6. The day your kid discovers your box of tampons.

And thinks that the tampons are cute little mice or really fun rocket ships.

7. Your child sees Mommy and Daddys G-rated kiss on the lips and tries to take it up a few movie ratings.

Instead of a hug or a sweet peck on the cheek, he comes at you with a wide-open mouth. And holds your head in place, trying to kiss you on the lips, like some sort of tiny alien with extra-human strength.

8. Your toddler calls you out for your bad behavior.

Ever try to cross against the light with a 2-year-old who suddenly understands red lights and walk symbols? “Mommy, noooooo! Stop! The red hand! We have to wait for the light to change!” Way to set a bad example, Mom.

9. Your kid can suddenly reach the lock on the front door.

This happens stupidly early if you have a freakishly tall toddler like I do.

10. Your child gleefully points out your imperfections.

That zit you thought wasn’t too bad? “What’s that spot, Mommy?” The muffin top you’d covered with a sweater and forgotten about? “I pinch you here, Mommy!” Sigh.

11. Your potty-training toddler touches the dirtiest part of the bathroom stall before you can get the disinfecting wipes out of your purse.

For the love of all that is holy, DON’T TOUCH THAT!!!

12. The first time your little angel pushes another kid.

Or hits. Or—God forbid—bites. Even if your kid is late to the game, it will happen at some point, to some degree. Why? Toys are awesome and sharing sucks. Now take a deep breath and try to explain to your kid why he needs to be more civilized.

13. Your child becomes a little dictator.

Stop dancing! Dont sing! Ah, toddlers. You’ll feel like you’re in Footloose, only without the awesomeness of Kevin Bacon.

14. Your kid reveals your dirtiest parenting secret to your judgiest relative.

And no, I’m not revealing mine here. But if you happen to be in the vicinity of my kid, don’t worry—he’ll tell you momentarily.



14 Kiddie Milestones No One Tells You About (humor)

This post was written by Dawn Yanek exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC.

Dawn Yanek lives in New York City with her husband and their very adorable, very energetic 3-year-old. In a former life, she was an editor who discussed fancy things like celebrity news, fashion and pop culture on TV. These days, you can find her at running late to a variety of kiddie activities and blogging at Momsanity.com.