The lack of a football team was unsettling to my football-playing father, football-cheerleading mother, and football-coaching grandfather. Nevertheless, that first summer in Oley, my open-minded parents registered my two brothers and me for soccer and dropped us at the Oley Valley Youth League for the first practice.

We were on the same team—the boys and me, the one girl.

It was fun.

And when we were short a coach, my dad and grandfather volunteered to take the helm. With How To Play Soccer books in hand, they tried to teach us this foreign, beautiful game.

My brothers spent thousands of hours kicking the soccer ball against our barn wall. They juggled in the middle of the road, forcing us to count their touches on the ball. Soon they were far better than me and I hung up my boots.

For them, soccer became more than a game.

It was a passion.

A calling.

An obsession.

As my brothers excelled in the sport, our small country soccer program grew. Oley got better and stronger. Any kid who was a decent athlete played soccer.

And we dominated our district.

But there was one team Oley could never beat.

Fleetwood.

We lived and played in the overwhelming shadow of our neighboring town. Fleetwood didn’t have a football team either, but they had the legendary soccer coach Ray Buss who had built a program over many years, racking up 500+ wins, multiple All-Americans, and national respect. The sign leading into Fleetwood never let you forget that they were the Home Of The Pennsylvania State Soccer Champions.

All Oley ever wanted to do was beat Fleetwood.

My freshman year in college, my brothers were positioned to have their best soccer season to date. The high school team was stacked, but more importantly, the season before a new coach had been hired.

Coach Ron Carruthers.

A Scotsman who had played for the New York Cosmos.

A man who understood soccer.

A real coach.

He was charismatic, handsome, and the life of the party.

He cursed a lot and chain smoked, but the boys responded to him and it showed in their elevated level of play. The consensus was that this would be our year. Not only would Oley beat Fleetwood, but we’d also win a state title. Everything was about to gel. The potential was magical and contagious.

Nothing could stop us.

But Coach Carruthers had a pesky cough that wouldn’t go away. And when he noticed a lump on his shin, he asked my dad (an ER doc) to check it out. My father, never the alarmist, sent him to the hospital immediately.

Stage four lung cancer.

42 years old.

The idea of not coaching wasn’t an option.

The season would go on.

Coach lost weight. And got sicker. But he was at every practice and every game. When he became too weak to stand on the sideline, he barked plays from a golf cart and when the cancer attacked his brain, he said things that the school board didn’t like.

Suzie, he told my mom. They fired me.

He died two days before the Oley-Fleetwood game.

Fast forward.

Oley lost in the state semi-finals. A game my brothers argue they should have won as they outshot their opponent 20-5. They wore black armbands with the initials RJC to honor their fallen coach. They prayed, cried, and still lost.

See, the soccer gods had only one special victory to hand out to the ragtag team from the valley and they’d chosen to do it on a different day, earlier in the season.

It was a Saturday morning game.

The October air was still soft and warm.

Coach’s wife, a widow just two days, sat on the far side of the field, her car pulled close to the team bench as if the boys could somehow protect her from the truth.

I’d taken the Beiber bus home from NYC the night before to be there.

My mother had hired a Scottish bagpipe player. Alone at midfield, the piper stood, his pipes shouting Amazing Grace at the hills. The Fleetwood boys and the Oley boys walked side by side. They split and circled the bagpipe player.

And then it was quiet. We bowed our heads for a moment of silence.

For Coach Carruthers.

Grown men wept silently, watching their sons.

The boys played.

I asked my brother the other day what the final score had been, sure it was branded in his memory.

I really don’t remember. Just that we won.

Oley beat Fleetwood.

They gave the game ball to Coach’s wife.

That soccer season we all began to understand a little of the real world.

That people get sick.

And that no amount of hoping, wishing, or praying will keep them alive.

Games that should be won are sometimes lost.

And that nothing lasts forever.

But we also learned that there would be shining moments, bits of goodness. The stuff we’d start to build the rest of our lives upon. The respect of a rival. The dignity of a fight well fought whether on the field or in the hospital. Victory when it mattered most. The coming together of community in times of sadness.

Maybe my brothers would have rather won the state title.

Or maybe not.

I only got to watch from the sidelines.

But I think I saw them begin to turn into men that day against Fleetwood.

There was a great world waiting for them beyond the hills.

Maybe they won the game they needed to win.

*   *   *

Post script: Both of my brothers received Division I college soccer scholarships. One became an All-American, had a stint on the US National Team, and later played professionally. And that Scotsman, he also introduced me to an exceptional (Fleetwood turned professional) soccer player who would become my husband.

READ MORE IN THE FAMILY ROOM

PIN IT FOR LATER:

This post was syndicated with expressed permission from Heather Christie.

The post Is Winning Everything? first appeared on BonBon Break.

However, it’s been proven that kids that play sports are more disciplined, get better grades, are healthier and understand concepts like teamwork. Not to mention it’s a great way for them to make new friends!

So, how do you take advantage of all the benefits of a sport without succumbing to the pitfalls of being a sports parent?

1. Research the sport.

Spend some time on the internet looking up information on clinics and/or camps where your child might be able to try out the sport before making a huge commitment. Talk to other parents about what their experience has been.

2. Pick a sport that fits your family.

What is your budget for a sport? Can you commit to one that is equipment heavy like ice hockey or would soccer be a better fit? Is your family able to handle travel sports or would a recreational program work better? Sports require a bit of sacrifice, but it’s up to you on how much that is.

3. Be supportive, not pushy.

Shouting instructions from the bleachers or spending the car ride home rehashing every play is not being supportive, it’s annoying. Plus, I am willing to bet your player is tuning you out anyway!

4. Curb your expectations.

Very few youth athletes go on to a college scholarship or the pros. Don’t ruin a fun experience with your own unrealistic agenda.

5. Let the coach be the coach.

Even if you were once a first string quarterback in the NFL, you are NOT the coach. Have a problem with his or her technique? Observe the 24-hour rule before approaching them.

6. Get to know the coaches.

I am not talking about stalking them on Facebook or showing up at their house uninvited, but from a safety standpoint, it’s a good idea to know who is spending so much time with your kid.

7. Learn the phrase “I love to watch you play” and use it often.

It’s really the only thing you will ever need to utter regarding your son or daughter’s performance.

8. Align yourself with supportive, positive parents.

There’s nothing worse than having to deal with the negativity of a team’s sour grapes parent, hothead, or braggart, so, don’t. Find the parents who are there to cheer on the team and make the experience a fun one.

9. Speaking of cheering, most sports are team ones, so be sure to support everyone.

You get to be a good example of sportsmanship.

10. If they want to quit, let them quit.

This is a tough one for some parents, especially ones who love the sport and have played themselves. Ultimately, it’s your child’s decision whether they want to continue or not. If they want to quit, have them finish out their commitment and move on!

Having a child who plays sports can be extremely rewarding if you go in with your eyes open and your player’s best interests at heart. It can be fun, challenging and a great learning opportunity but it all starts with you.

Read more posts about Sports and Parenting

PIN IT FOR LATER:

The post 10 Ways To Be a Great Sports Parent first appeared on BonBon Break.

The post Why This Mom is NOT Pushing Sports on Her Kids first appeared on BonBon Break.

So there’s this kid. If there were a competition to find the most socially awkward human in history . . . this poor dear would be in the finals. So there’s his mom. If there was a competition to find the most annoying human in history . . . she wins.

I deal well with difficult people. It’s kinda my thing. But there was this one time I lost it. I lost it at church. This mom raised her hand and proudly announced to the group that her son was, “Not allowed to do sports. He just goes to school and church. I want to be responsible for what he is learning.”

At this point, I raised my hand and stated, “You don’t know anything and your son will learn nothing from you.” At least this is what I did in my head, Walter Mitty style. Real life I just let it fester and boil. And then this was born.

The top 6 lessons kids learn from playing sports

1. Leadership. Whether your kid is the team captain or a bench warmer…they will know what leadership looks like. They will see it and emulate it in the players/coaches that inspire others. They will realize the power of a positive attitude and strive to have it. Perhaps this explains why almost all US presidents were involved in athletics in their youth.

2. Confidence/ Positive Self Image. There is a level of confidence that comes from practicing the same skill over and over and then performing it in front of a crowd. Kids will begin defining themselves as someone who works hard and is not afraid to succeed. One day my college volleyball coach announced that we would be having intense conditioning at 4:30 AM. I had never in my life imagined myself awake at 4:30 AM and did not think I was capable of it. Turns out, I’m capable of lots of stuff I had never imagined.

3. Emotional Regulation. When kids play sports they fail. All the time. Over and over. They struggle with learning new skills. They lose games. Their teammates let them down, they let themselves down. Failure is ever-present in athletics. I submit there is nothing more powerful than watching a child finally succeed at something they have truly worked for. This is why Olympic commercials always make you feel something.

4. Teamwork. This goes deeper than working together for a common goal. Being part of a team means that you have learned how to not only be respectful to people that irritate you but also to succeed with them. This lesson seems to translate well into future roles such as employee/boss/spouse/parent . .  or even sitting in Sunday school with the most annoying woman in history.

5. Coachablity. Having a coach means learning to follow directions. It means tuning your ears to one person in a crowd of thousands and executing their directive. Kids learn how to listen to people who know more than they do. People who see the big picture and ask you to do better than your best.

6. Positive Friends. Sports are an incredible built-in social circle. Kids who are part of a good team are surrounded by peers who are expected to do well in school, respect each other, avoid drugs and alcohol, keep their bodies physically fit, and work for more. Positive friends mean a positive and productive life.

I want my kids to be athletes. I want them to find a sport and excel at it. Not for me. Not because I want to live vicariously through them. Not so I can sit up in the stands and say, “Did you see my son dunking on your son?” No. That’s lame. I want my kids to be athletes because I KNOW there are things they will learn from being part of a team that I CAN’T teach them at home. I want to sit in the stands and be like, “Can you believe the lessons they’re learning!”

Head to the Family Room

PIN IT FOR LATER:

 This post was syndicated with permission to BonBon Break Media, LLC.

The post Why This Mom is Pushing Sports on Her Kids first appeared on BonBon Break.

Kids’ sports … UGH.

• 7:00 am at a soccer field in chilly November rain? Um, no thanks.
• 5:00 pm tennis lessons in 100+ degree heat? Pass.
• Frigid ice-hockey rinks with practice start times that range anywhere from 5:00 am to 10:00 pm? Are you kidding me??

And this is all before kids even get to the competitive leagues where they practice three times a week AND then need to be driven — by you, of course — to another STATE on weekends to play.

Look, we all know kids need exercise for good health and to prevent obesity. And we are more than happy to let them work up a sweat while we grab an hour of peace in return … even if that means sitting in a car with a carafe of coffee (and our iPads) in our laps.

But really. Can’t we do better?

An hour is too short for a productive grocery run. But it’s still a precious lot of time to waste when there is so much we have to do.

So in the name of fighting obesity AND getting stuff done, here are a few new sports we’d REALLY love to sign the kids up for:

Track and Lot

Drop-in weekend clinics for all ages. Coaches are stationed at your local supermarket parking lot from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm Saturdays and Sundays for hour-long practices focused on cross-lot wind sprints, cart hurdles and increasing players’ agility through an ever-changing vehicular obstacle course.

Competitive Weeding

At this neighborhood-wide sporting event, participants are divided into teams and set loose to collect the most weeds from all flagged yards. The team with the largest collection of weeds will be declared the winner, thereby earning a five-minute head start at the next week’s event.

Target Relay

Parents should come prepared each week with a Target shopping list of at least 10 … oh, who are we kidding? … make that 20 items. Teams of two will relay-race from the in-store Starbucks out into the aisles to retrieve each item, while parents sip lattes and goof around on their phones. Bonus points will be awarded to the team that successfully uses coupons and checks out without adult assistance.

Fold n’ Stack

Similar in nature to Cup Races, this event involves folding laundry, then shifting and re-shifting the piles to achieve the tallest, most stable stack that can successfully be carried upstairs without incident. Each stack must be grouped by clothing owner.

These sports may not secure your child a spot at his or her top choice college but then again, soccer probably won’t either!

We’re here every week!
Read more Science of Parenthood on BonBonBreak.com

For more scientific snarkiness, follow Science of Parenthood
Website | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Google +

ABOUT NORINE & JESSICA: Science of Parenthood was created by writer Norine Dworkin-McDaniel and illustrator/web developer Jessica Ziegler.

Once upon a time, Norine met Jessica at one of those “it stays in Vegas” holiday parties — which actually sounds a lot more salacious than it actually was. A little while later, Jessica had a kid. Then Norine had a kid. Then Norine began developing a series of science-y/parent-y ain’t-that-the-truth-isms. Then Jessica came in and scribbled all over them. And Science of Parenthood was born. Norine and Jessica are not Nobel Prize-winning scientists … though they play them on the blog. Fortunately, Norine and Jessica are both married to their own adorable geeks, who explain all this science-y stuff to them at those times when recalling the laws of thermodynamics on three hours of sleep is simply too tall an order.

Follow Science of Parenthood on: their blog | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Google +

The post Kids’ Sports We’d LOVE to See by Science of Parenthood first appeared on BonBon Break.

Photo & image by Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

So you’ve decided to sign your darling up for a sports team. Unless you have a chauffeur, a nanny, or a flux capacitor to split yourself in two, you’re going to need a mom posse. And if you do have those things, what the hell are you doing? Go get yourself a nap, a merlot, and a pedicure.

In the land of youth sports, it’s the luck of the draw who you get to hang with for the season. You need to swim in the pool you paid for, so to speak. The kicker? You’ve never needed help more.  There will come a time when older brother needs to go in one direction,  your Pele-in-the-making needs to get to the play-offs in the other direction, dad is trapped at work . . . in Dhubai, and the cat is puking out its pancreas. But this situation goes from doom to doable if you have a mom posse to fall back on to at least take Pele to soccer. You’re on your own with the puking feline.

The secret to the posse is to choose wisely and develop it early. We’ll show you how in 7 easy steps.

ABOUT ELLEN AND ERIN: Ellen Williams and Erin Dymowski are the dynamic writing duo sharing the blog, The Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, but they don’t share everything. Erin has 5 kids with her husband Steve and Ellen has two kids with her husband Frank. They’ve got parenting covered from kindergarten to high school. Their blog is like a good Girls’ Night Out conversation: full of shared stories, advice, book recommendations, and recipes; dosed heavily with humor and a dash of snark; and sprinkled with truth and honesty softened with sweetness. They are 2013 BlogHer Voices of the Year and co-authors of the anthology “You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth.” They are Pinterest ninjas, carpoolers extraordinaire, and Nikon warriors.

Follow SISTERHOOD OF THE SENSIBLE MOMS on Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest |Google+ | Instagram |

CONTINUE READING IN THE FAMILY ROOM

The post How to Rustle Up A Mom Posse by Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms first appeared on BonBon Break.

A trip to the toy department at Target, $5 bill, ice cream after the game, pizza for dinner tonight …

If you’re even slightly familiar with youth sports, I’m sure you’ve known parents who promise their kids a reward for scoring points in a game.

Maybe you’ve even done it yourself.

And that’s okay.  But let me tell you a story.

Last week my 8 year-old daughter’s soccer team played – and lost – a great game.

I still remember how these same kids could dominate the field when they started playing at age four.  Back then, the game was all about the individual player.  Passing the ball?  What was that?  And why in the world would anyone want to do it when a player could score goal after gratifying goal with little to no help from his teammates?

The kids who got paid $5 per goal could get rich quick, at least by preschooler standards.

But as the kids got older, that changed. Now it’s more about teamwork. It’s about learning to play a position, making good passes, and moving the ball down the field through a concerted team effort.

Last Saturday, I heard a dejected 3rd grader announce after the game that her dad had promised to buy her ice cream if she scored two goals and, since she hadn’t scored any goals, there was no ice cream in her immediate future.

Let me tell you what is wrong with this scenario.

This little girl played a fantastic game.

Both her offense and defense were spot-on that day. The team lost, but barely. They kept the point spread low, and she was an important part of an impressive team effort.

But did she feel successful?

No. Because her dad had made her success based on one thing: scoring goals.

This is unproductive on so many levels.

No one scored two goals in that game.

Most of the players on her team didn’t score a goal, period.

Because this player’s coach had asked her to play at mid-field, it was pretty much guaranteed that she wasn’t going to make a goal. Scoring goals wasn’t her job that day.

She had played hard, without complaint, on a cold and rainy Saturday.  She played a good game, yet she felt like a failure, because the reward system her dad had put into place was poorly thought out and essentially irrelevant.

There’s something to be said for intrinsic versus extrinsic rewards. But that’s another vent for another day. Let’s assume a parent wants to reward his or her child, so we’re talking about extrinsic rewards here.

Instead of rewarding individual points scored in a team sport, why don’t we figure out a new and more relevant standard?

Let’s reward effort, attitude, and teamwork …

How many good passes a player made …

How many times she kept the ball from going out of bounds …

How he encouraged his teammates …

How she respected her coach …

How he utilized a new skill or technique …

How she kept giving 100% even when the going got tough …

Twenty years from now, it won’t matter how many goals our kids scored in a youth soccer game back when they were 8.

But the life skills they learned – working as a team to achieve a common goal, following the advice and vision of a leader, persisting through adversity – will stay with them for years to come.

So let’s reward that instead of an ultimately meaningless number on a scorecard.

ABOUT SHANNA: Shana Norris is a writer, reader, runner, coffee guzzler, and chocolate inhaler who dreams of becoming an Avett Brothers groupie. You can follow her on Google+ and on her blog at ShanaNorris.net.

 

 

CONTINUE READING IN THE FAMILY ROOM

 SHANA NORRIS wrote this piece exclusively for Bonbon Break Media, LLC.

The post Rethinking Rewards in Kids’ Sports by Shana Norris first appeared on BonBon Break.