Dear daughter,

A few short weeks from now, you’ll be double checking suitcases, book bags, and new student lists as you prepare to leave your home and enter the world of higher education. As I look at the excitement, anticipation, and impatience on your glowing face, my heart swells, more than I thought it ever could, at the amazing person you’ve become.

I know the last thing in the world you want to hear right now is yet more advice from a woman who’s been offering it, wanted and otherwise, your entire life. But there’s something I’ve tried to teach you, maybe more by example than anything else, and I need to say it – to know that you know.

As you move out into the world with your mind hungry to learn new things and find new experiences, know that not all of the lessons are going to be good ones. That’s OK. I believe in my heart that the world is a good and beautiful place, but there are places, situations and sometimes even people that are not.

Try never to become too busy to soak in the beauty around you, to look for it and celebrate it! But when you find people that have had it taken from them, or were never taught to look for it, don’t flinch. Never let yourself become callous or hard. Instead, look for ways to share some part of your joy with them.

When you meet people, make sure you look them in the eye. Remember to never judge someone based on appearances. The true measure of a man (or woman) is taken over time and should be based more on their deeds than words alone.

Hopefully, you’ll always find more kindness and compassion on the ledger than anything else. But if you’re faced with otherwise, don’t flinch. Turning a blind eye to the ugliness in life is how apathy is born.

I have done my best to teach you how to be strong, to know who you are and never compromise that part of yourself. As you leave the known comfort of your home, you’re going to meet people who aren’t able to be strong for themselves. Age and circumstance may have brought them to a place where they just don’t have anything left. Don’t flinch.

These are the people who will need your strength most. Stand firm in what you know is right, even if you find yourself standing alone. It won’t always the easy or popular road to take, but it should always be the only one.

I pray that you never find yourself face-to-face with true evil, because it does exist. I’m not talking about the creatures from horror movies, but the senseless pain, emotional or physical, that we humans are capable of inflicting on each other. If you one day find yourself standing in such a dark shadow, don’t flinch.

Ignoring the areas where the light is dimmest is where true darkness begins. It never descends in one fell swoop, but creeps in a little at a time until the day when something unimaginable becomes acceptable. Evil, no matter how well lit your personal world may seem, is never acceptable.

I know you’ve grown up surrounded by family and friends who love you. The knowledge that what touches one member of your circle, affects all of it, is one of those things you’ve always understood. There’s a bigger part of that picture I hope you never flinch away from; every last man, woman, and child is part of that circle.

When tragedy strikes one, those ripples will affect each and every person in some small way. In a perfect world, there shouldn’t be an “us” or a “them,” only an “all.”

Please try to understand that it’s not all bad, since we don’t just share in the burdens, but also in the joys and happiness. I hope you never flinch away from those either.

This all sounds so overwhelming, right? I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it can be. The hardest part is learning how to open your heart and your mind without losing yourself. Sometimes it hurts like hell, especially when you want to help, yet there’s seemingly nothing you can do.

The only wisdom I have to offer for that is, try to put more good into this life than what you take out of it. Because I know, just as surely as the Sun will rise, those things will send their own ripples into every other life as well.

Lastly, remember that life is meant to be lived. You won’t always be successful, but you won’t always fail either. Each of us ultimately sets our own goals and determines how we go about achieving them, so never let someone else’s definition weigh you down or even bolster you up.

And whenever you see the possibility for love, laughter and happiness? Grab onto it, hold on tight, and don’t ever flinch.

…and on a much lighter note:

6 Unique Ways to Prepare Your Teen for College

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The post Don’t Flinch: A Letter to My College Bound Daughter first appeared on BonBon Break.

Create a persona.

The winners in life had a strategy. They didn’t just wake up one day with a good job and a stellar 401k. They planned and they marketed themselves as the person they wanted to be. They created a resume before they needed to create a resume. They understood that the only thing representing them and separating them from the herd was that (most likely digital) sheet of paper. It may sound like a job interview, but ask your teen where they see themselves in 5 years. In 10 years. They will be asked that question a lot and it will be good if they had an answer. How can they “be” that person? What summer job should they get? What volunteer work should they do? What selfies should they delete from that Instagram account?

Set your expectations.

Did you think that your irresponsible teen was suddenly going to figure out life and get their act together once they were in college? If you think that you are going to drop them off at their dorm and wish them well while patting yourself on the back for doing a good job raising them, maybe this is a wake-up call for you. You will have a much easier transition into remote parenting if your expectations are clear long before your teen starts a google search for America’s best party schools.

Set goals together.

If your teen knows, without a doubt, what they want to be when they grow up, that is phenomenal and it makes coming up with an education track a lot easier. The majority of teens don’t even know half of the options. Explore the niche jobs that are available and have projected growth. Is a four-year degree even required for this? If they tell you that they promised themselves that they would never work in an office, smack yourself in the forehead and delete their Instagram account. Find an appropriate role-model in a real job of their “choice” and figure out what kind of grunt work they had to do to get there. The goal is not the beginning of the journey. Talk about the steps to getting there. Hold your teen to their goals. Help them create a mission statement, a motto, a mantra.

Speaking of a role-model…

While we like to think that our teens still look up to us the way they did when they did when they were younger, they might be looking for someone that seems to “get it”. Consider a cultural exchange experience. Young adults that come to America as a way to learn from our culture and share theirs can have a huge impact on your teen. Someone who is a little older, a lot more independent and intelligent can be a huge motivator, inspiration, and friend. Typically, these are educated 18-26-year-olds who have college educations or are looking to be educated as doctors, lawyers, journalists, etc. and a cultural exchange can greatly help them to further their career. An independent, educated, career focused role-model in your home?!? Yes, please!

Have “the talk”.

The one about how real-life sucks sometimes. Tell them about your educational and career journey. They might not have been listening last year, but as a career is in their near future, they might be more receptive. Tell them about hustle. Maybe they didn’t have to work hard to get good grades. Maybe they didn’t even need good grades, but they will certainly have to work hard and get their hustle on in college so they can get paid for getting their hustle on when they graduate.

Tell them the truth. 

Your child might be your whole world, but it is important that they know that no one else is looking out for them. No one. Not their friends, not their guidance counselor and certainly not their significant other of the week. They will need to find out and follow up on every course and every requirement that they need to meet their goals. They will need to watch their own back in social situations. They will need to trust their instincts when choosing their new squad. This isn’t just important for college. This could be the most important piece of info they need to get them through life. Tell them now. Make sure they get it.

Preparing your teen for college by arming them with more than a microwave/refrigerator combo will set them up for making the best possible decisions as they are preparing for after college AKA off your payroll. Make sure they continue to think about and modify their goals, with you, and build on their persona. Should they pledge a fraternity or sorority? What awards and accolades will help them in their field? What internships should they consider? Don’t stop planning and preparing and cheering them on and let them know that during this transition, they are not alone.

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The post 6 Unique Ways to Prepare Your Teen for College first appeared on BonBon Break.

Trigger Alert: Discussion of sexual assault

What would you do if you found out your son was posting images of naked women whom he and his friends had sex with? Perhaps even non-consensual sex with? What would you do if you found out your daughter was at a party, and frat boys undressed her unknowingly, photographed her, and posted it on the internet?

Unfortunately, the mothers of the Penn State fraternity, Kappa Delta Rho, and its victims, are faced with this question right now. An investigation is underway as police received a tip from a former member of KDR about a Facebook group where the fraternity posted images of drug deals and nude (some unconscious) women. This may seem like an extreme act of a few lost souls, but as one female Penn State student puts it, “This is hardly an isolated incident.” Some members of Greek life at Penn State are angry, but one member of KDR doesn’t even realize the magnitude of their crimes, as he reports that all fraternities do this, and there are many websites to prove that, “It was an entirely satirical group and it was funny to some extent. Some of the stuff, yeah, it’s raunchy stuff, as you would expect from a bunch of college-aged guys,” he said. “But, I mean, you could go on any one of hundreds and thousands of different sites to access the same kind of stuff and obviously a lot worse and a lot more explicit.”

So what is going on?

There is nothing new about fraternity debauchery. However, now that we have smart phones, it is much harder to keep that debauchery a secret. Nowadays, you would call the nonconsensual posting of nude photos ‘revenge porn’ which is typically referred to as images or videos of nudity and/or sex that were consensually taken but not consensually distributed (1). However, KDR non-consensually posted non-consensual nude photos. Which is even more disturbing, right?

Even though revenge porn website enthusiasts swear their motivation is nothing but an opportunity ‘to look at real naked women’, in reality, the act of uploading a nude picture to punish a woman for leaving you or to boast about you %#$*ing her, is less of an act of sexual expression and more similar to the criminal behavior of stalking and harassment (2). It is clear that non-consensual distribution of sexual imagery and videos is intended to humiliate the victim. With that in mind, we should amend stalking and harassment legislation to reflect our new cyber-reality. Just because the abusive acts are happening in cyberspace doesn’t mean the experience of being humiliated and harassed by an ex is any less terrifying.

Why would a group of “good guys” post nude images of criminal behavior on social media?

Members of our (I’m a sex educator and doctoral candidate at Penn State) community are ‘shocked’. These guys participate in THON! So, sexually assaulting and harassing is fine as long as you also raise money for charity? Please. Let’s look at the white, heterosexual, male privilege here (3). You commit a crime, get a good lawyer, you’ll likely be fine. It’s difficult to imagine that a black fraternity would get away with posting photos of drug deals. Another recent example of the privilege of white fraternities was the Oklahoma incident where racism reared its ugly head. I’m not saying all fraternities are sexist or racist, but the very structure of them creates the environment for sexist and racist ideology to breed, but more importantly, to go unchecked. Even the KDR member admits this happens all the time, unknowingly acknowledging his privilege, “It is shameful to see the self-righteousness that has sprung from the woodworks in response to the alleged Penn State fraternity “scandal.” Here’s a quick reality check: everyone — from Bill Clinton to your grandfather to every Greek organization in the nation does the same old stuff, just as they have been for the entirety of human history”, he claims. “It’s not anyone else’s business, pretty much. It’s an inter-fraternity thing and that’s that.”

Fraternities are a hierarchical institution, where those in power choose new members, based on their ability to comply as part of a group. This system makes it highly unlikely that a fraternity will have a contrarian, or someone to say, “Hey. This isn’t cool. Let’s stop.” Something known as ‘group think’ (4), likely made the criminal behaviors of a few possible, because of the compliant behaviors of the rest. Especially online. When individuals enter virtual spaces (online groups, online games, etc.) they take on the identity of the group for the time being (5). So, if guys are posting nude images and other guys are making harassing comments, ‘good guys’ will likely do the same, even though they wouldn’t say those things in real life. This is why we need to teach our kids (especially if they are the popular kids) to speak up when they know something isn’t right, in person and online.

We know that at least 1 in 5 women have experienced sexual assault (6), which is daunting to say the least. This means many of you reading this right now have a son who has sexually assaulted someone and 1 in 5 of you have a daughter who will experience sexual assault before she graduates from college.

What can parents do before their kids go to college to try to prevent this type of behavior?

1. Talk about consent early and often. You can have these conversations with toddlers! Children of all ages can understand that no one touches them and they don’t touch someone else without asking first. Teens can be taught to tell a partner, “I really want to kiss you right now.” And wait for a reply before actually kissing, and so on.
2. Talk about gender, race, and power early and often. Your white, heterosexual, son needs to know that his experience of the world is that of privilege. He needs to know that it will be more difficult for him to keep his behavior in check because he doesn’t have the cultural cues (that he will be called a slut, that he will be arrested or shot by police, that he will be bullied) that other genders, races, and sexualities experience that make them think about their behavior before they engage in it for better or for worse.
3. Talk about sexual behavior early and often. It’s important to acknowledge that sex is normal and everyone experiences it differently. Your communicating about sex will teach your kids that it is ok to talk with a partner about sex, which increases the chance that they will have a consensual experience and perhaps even successfully use a condom.
4. Talk about porn, sexting, and the brain. Boys and girls are getting their sex-ed from porn. As you can imagine, that is not good. The way the brain reacts to porn is different than the way the brain reacts to sex. Porn is a powerful physiological enforcer. Which is likely why the KDR member didn’t find much harm in what his brothers were doing. Maybe he was masturbating to too much revenge porn and it changed the way he thinks about it? Hard to say.

Questions to ask yourself about the college your kid attends/will attend

1. What is the school’s policy on sexual assault? It is difficult to prosecute cases of sexual assault through the traditional legal system. However, most universities have policies that would expel the perpetrator, especially if the victim gets a rape kit and contacts a victim advocate immediately. Even though he might not see time in jail, he at least won’t be on campus anymore.
2. Do the fraternities have their own housing? Do the sororities have their own housing? What jurisdiction does the University have over the Greek system? Obviously, because of male privilege, men are the powerful ones at parties. However, if women have their own parties, it can be a much safer environment for them as they can leverage more on their own turf. For example, Penn State sororities do not have their own houses. So all Penn State Greek parties have to occur at frat houses by default. It’s better if sororities have their own houses.
3. Does the university mandate sexual assault and binge drinking education? Is that education evidence-based (actually works)? Some research shows that education can transform the behavior of these groups and provide knowledge of how to be a bystander.

Questions to ask your kids before they head to college

1. What would you do if someone was taking someone else into a room and that person was clearly intoxicated? Correct answer: I would say, “Nah, dude. She’s way too drunk. You don’t want to go there.” And then I would help her find her friends, or call her a cab.
2. What would you do if one of your friends shared a nude photo of someone? What if that nude photo was of your sister or your friend? If your reactions were different, why? Correct answer: I would delete the photo and tell the distributor “that is messed up”.
3. How would you know that a potential partner is able and willing to consent to sexual behavior? Correct answer: They would be sober, and able to say “I really want to have sex with you right now. I really want to kiss you right now.” If someone is drunk and flirting, that doesn’t mean a thing.
4. What do you think would happen to you if you had sex with someone who was blacked out? Correct answer: I could get suspended or expelled from school, my sports teams, or even see some jail time.
5. When is it OK to take a picture of someone else? Correct answer: When they have their clothes ON.

You know our culture is a rape culture, when men can commit crimes, photograph those crimes, post those photos and still get away with it because “boys will be boys”. Is this the world we live in? If so, we should be very angry. We should not put up with this anymore. We can demand change here.

References

• Citron, D. K., & Franks, M. A. (2014). Criminalizing revenge porn. Wake Forest Law Review, 49, 345.
• Davis, K. E., Ace, A., & Andra, M. (2000). Stalking perpetrators and psychological maltreatment of partners: Anger-jealousy, attachment insecurity, need for control, and break-up context. Violence and Victims, 15, 407-425.
• Rothenberg, P. S. (Ed.). (2004). White privilege: Essential readings on the other side of racism. Macmillan.
• Packer, D. J. (2009). Avoiding groupthink whereas weakly identified members remain silent, strongly identified members’ dissent about collective problems. Psychological Science, 20, 546-548.
• Sundar, S. S., Jia, H., Waddell, T. F., & Huang, Y. (2015). Toward a Theory of Interactive Media Effects (TIME) Four Models for Explaining How Interface. The Handbook of Communication Technology, 47–86.
• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2012.

RESOURCES:

• RAINN – Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network
• SAFER Campus – Students Active For Ending Rape
•  Take Back the Night – Shatter the Silence
• National Sexual Violence Resource Center – April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

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 This post was written by Megan Maas exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC.

The post Prepping Your Kid for the Dark Side of College first appeared on BonBon Break.

At the time that BonBon Break shares this post, the search for Hannah Graham continues. Our hearts go out to Hannah, her family, and the UVA community, as we hope for Hannah’s safe return home. ~Ellie

Image by T.B. Kilman

by Mary Dell Harrington of Grown & Flown

We got a call last Monday night from our daughter at college who began by saying “Mom, I’m ok but…” At that point, my stomach twisted and every nerve in my body began to buzz as I waited for the phrase to follow. Surely something bad had happened.

She told me that one of her classmates had gone missing over the weekend. As I write this, Hannah Graham, 18 years old and a second year student at UVA, has still not been found.

I feel an emotional wrestling match between my protective instincts and my daughter’s new-found independence. I want her to fully enjoy her college years, but as her mom, I cannot help but fear for her safety. Concerns about safety are real – both for parents and college freshman, who are at higher risk for victimization than older students.

How can our daughter and other freshman girls, in particular, best manage legitimate anxiety while embracing an exciting yet still unfamiliar college world? And in the wake of a disappearance of an 18-year old girl, how will the balance between caution and adventure shift?

ABOUT MARY DELL AND LISA: 

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The post Daughter At College: What Keeps Me Up At Night first appeared on BonBon Break.

Photo courtesy of TB Kilman. Image by Val Curtis.

Whether you are helping your teenager prepare for the SATs or still helping your toddler wipe his nose, you will appreciate Mary Dell and Lisa’s reflections on the college application process and the road toward an empty nest.  Writes Mary Dell: “When you are on the road with your child visiting a school one day, there will be a moment when you witness him walking apart from you. You will see a different child than the 17-year-old who comes home from school and sits at the kitchen table with you. You will envision your child as a college freshman, independent and, really, quite grown up. At this moment you will do your best to keep from tearing up.” My oldest is only 7, yet I can totally imagine this moment and it makes my heart ache already!   ~Ellie

Mary Dell Harrington and Lisa Heffernan are two moms with five kids between their two families.  They have already seen their three eldest sons off to college and now, next fall, they will drop their two youngest at their freshman dorms. As friends for over a decade, they helped each other through their kids’ college application process and now have a few thoughts to share with BonBon Break readers.

ABOUT MARY DELL AND LISA: Mary Dell Harrington and Lisa Endlich Heffernan are the voices behind Grown & Flown: Parenting from the Empty Nest. Between them they have five children for a total of 93 years of parenting experience as they hurtle towards their empty nests. Mary Dell has a MBA from Harvard Business School and worked at NBC, Discovery, and Lifetime. Lisa has an MBA from the MIT Sloan School of Management and worked as a Wall Street trader before becoming an author of three books including New York Times Business Bestseller, “Goldman Sachs: The Culture of Success.” She writes for The Atlantic as well as the Huffington Post.

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The post The Good, The Bad, & The OMG of College Admissions by Grown & Flown first appeared on BonBon Break.