Moms are Just as Bad as Kids by Rants

But don’t be sad! Because by making fun of this stuff (and myself), I’m actually processing many of the deeply ingrained hypocritical functions of modern parenthood. And without self-awareness, I cannot defeat these nefarious forces. AND I MUST. Because it is my solemn duty to raise my three children by Wheaton’s Law and I cannot do that if I’m not fighting this crap with all my resources.

Here’s how it works:

Normal thing that any mom says.
Thing mom also does that sends it directly into crazy town.

Now let’s look at some examples of what I’m talking about:

“Why do you constantly just FRITTER away your time?!”
Checks Facebook ten times per day.

Claims children are incapable of listening when the TV is on.
Ignores everything they say while playing Candy Crush.

Tells kids it’s a REAL PROBLEM when they don’t pick up their clothes.
Routinely leaves clean, unfolded laundry in large piles all over the house. 

Gets mad when a kid “accidentally” eats a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers for a snack.
Accidentally drinks three glasses of wine after their bedtime.

“Are you making healthy choices?”
Forgets to go the gym for three years.

Stresses the importance of always being nice to everyone, showing respect and good manners.
Flips off BMW who cuts her off.

Totally loses schmidt when children fight bedtime and beg to stay awake just a little while longer.
Stays up ’til midnight watching “House Hunters International”.

“How can you wear those clothes? You look like a hobo.”
Still has maternity underpants in rotation.

Tells kids to be super careful about everything they post on social media.
Writes a mom blog.

Constantly nagging children to keep their rooms clean.
Mini-van can be smelled from 10 paces away.

“Turn Sponge Bob off. It will rot your brain and you know it.”
Watches Real Housewives when no one is looking

Stresses importance of healthy self-esteem and self-worth.
Talks incessantly about how fat she is. 

“You need to put family first, kids.”
Hasn’t called her own mother in 5 weeks.

Always tells kids to hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Has been late to everything since 2007