Today I am defeated. I give up. I’m waving the flag.
Today I can’t be a mom. I can’t be a wife. I can’t be a friend or sister or daughter.
I’ve tried that role, and no one sees me. I’ve tried it every day, and no one looks me in the eye. I am invisible.
Every day I give it my all. I try to be the best mom, the best wife, the best person. I try to have it all, to be it all. I wake up ready to move mountains. I want to be greater, do better, and work harder than yesterday. I want to give life my everything, give my family everything. Be everything to everyone.
I’m not curing cancer, I know that. But I’m being a mom. I’m loving on my son. I’m teaching him good from bad. I’m engaging his imagination and intellect. I’m raising him with the values I believe will help him thrive. This is important, damn it! But no one sees, no one hears. My son looks past me, he doesn’t see me.
I’m not solving world hunger, it’s true. But I’m cleaning the house, making it safe and sanitized, and easy on the eyes. I’m making a home cooked meal that involves more than one food group and smells damn good. I’m converting our house into a home every day, every night. I’m trying to be a good wife who shares her devotion through kind gestures, simple pleasures, and seamless living. But my husband doesn’t notice, he just looks past me.
I’m not saving lives, I recognize that. But I’m working hard. I try to put my all into everything I do: every project, every task. I bust my butt to arrive at functions on time and with my shirt facing forward. I try to say thank you and show genuine gratitude for kind deeds. I strive to fill people’s needs before they even have to ask. I don’t do this for glory. I’m not looking for reward. But I would give anything for some eye contact. My heart aches for a hug or just someone to say, “I see you.”
Every day I put on a brave face. I act like I’m in charge and in control. I got this. I could do this blindfolded. I dress the part. I talk the part. People think I am the part. Hell, most days I fool myself into thinking I am the part. Today, I am not the part, and I can’t even pretend.
Today, I give up. I’m not that great mom, I’m not that loving wife, I’m not that caring, concerned citizen out to make the world better. I’m far from it. I’m a gaping hole. I’m a vacuum of space and breath and energy. I’m like a speed bump in the road, forcing people to slow down or avoid me, but with no defining purpose.
Today I need a little corner to crawl into. Somewhere to hide. Maybe I’ll be better tomorrow; I’ll come back out then. But today, I’m defeated. I am invisible.
This post was written by Celeste Erlach exclusively for BonBon Break Media LLC.