It’s Just a Swimsuit
Heidi Meurer

Dear Mama,

I wrote something about swimsuits. It starts like this: 

Swimsuit!

I have a swimsuit!
I like to go swimming!
I have legs!
I am a girl!
I am brave!
Everybody loves me!
Everybody loves me!
Everybody loves me!
I have legs!
I am not afraid of you!
I am not afraid of you!
I have legs!
I am not afraid of you!
I am not afraid of you!
Everybody says I am swimming!
I like it!

The ending is just the words, “I like to go swimming,” over and over for seventy-two hours. Do you like it? Should I shout it?

Love,
Four Year Old Girl

***********************************************************

Dear Four Year Old Who Wrote Something About Swimsuits,

I like it! Very confident and full of excitement! You should definitely shout it.

I wrote something about swimsuits, too. It starts like this:

Ask a Woman in a Swimsuit . . . 

Q: Are you afraid of your thighs?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Do you like your ankles?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Has anyone ever said, “You sure have shoulders,” and then touched your shoulders?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Where can I get a sternum like that?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Are you worried someone will see your moles and think you’re a witch?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: It’s 10 AM; have you wrapped your stomach in cellophane yet?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: How many hips did you grow last night? Nine?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Do you enjoy your knees?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Have you ever tried to erase your calves?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Why do I feel squeamish when I see your stomach?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Why are you hiding your breasts?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Why are you flaunting your breasts?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Did you think about how your bikini would make me feel?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Where are the pretty girls? Did you eat them?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Why are you so thin?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Have you ever eaten a slice of cake and then eaten a second slice of cake?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Why do your legs look like that?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

Q: Are you afraid a shark will see your body and eat something smaller, like a dolphin?
A: I want to go swimming, so I put on this swimsuit.

The ending is just the words, “Swimming is fun,” over and over for seventy-two hours. We wrote similar things. We should shout about this together!

Remember: you have a swimsuit, I have a swimsuit, and swimming is fun.

Love,
Your Dear Mama


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It's just a swimsuit


This post was syndicated with permission to BonBon Break Media, LLC.

Heidi Meurer is a humor writer in Austin, Texas. She writes a fictional advice column for kids at Dear Mama, and she's also written for McSweeney's. Heidi has two kids and one husband. Sometimes she says she has two husbands just to see people's reactions. One time she said she had four husbands, and people were like, "Are you lying?"
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