The Secret to Dieting

Heather LeRoss

I’ve gained weight recently, so I’ve been doing a ton of research on what is the BEST possible way to have healthy-skin-hair-nails-sleep-sex-drive-skinny-waist and strong bones. I want to wake in the morning energized, refreshed and have the energy to spare at the end of the day. I want my skin to glow, and I want to f*cking ROCK my jeans!

The info is out there, but it can be daunting to read through everything, to look up the science behind the claims, and then to try and find recipes you want to eat. Since I’ve spent so much time reading, I figured I would make your life a little easier and summarize everything for you; all in one place!


Smoothies! Oh the variety, like this one:

1 c. chopped red cabbage

1/2 red bell pepper

1 Roma tomato

5 medium strawberries

1/2 c. raspberries

8 oz. cold water

1 ice cube [optional] – (just one, because too much ice is…cold)

If you want to know what despair tastes like, make that.

I decided to start with almond milk, kale, protein powder, banana, and blueberries; sweet and filling. Then I read that’s too much fruit sugar first thing in the morning, so I cut out the fruit.

Oh, and protein powders with sweeteners are bad (natural or artificial, unless it’s from Stevia, which is OK because it’s plant based. Oh wait, nope that’s not OK because it still confuses your pancreas), and the powders without sweeteners taste like ass, so I cut that out.

A recent study showed almond milk is hardly “almond” at all and mostly fillers, so I just used water.

So water and kale smoothie. Or eggs, lots, and lots of eggs.


Wraps – these are so wonderfully versatile! I opted not to get the Paleo wraps which consisted of coconut meat, coconut water, and coconut oil – I just couldn’t. I opted for whole grain, high protein tortilla wraps and filled one with turkey lunch meat, spinach, hummus, and tomato.

Then I researched the alkaline diet, which my massage therapist recommended. It says grains are bad, and I read that lunch meat is bad overall – even the organic kind. I cut the wrap and turkey out, which was OK because the tortilla was dry, hard, and tasted like wood.

Then a friend told me hummus is hard for your body to digest – the beans – and causes excess gas and bloating, so that was out.

So spinach and tomato, on…a plate.


I really thought I had this one figured out. I would do some lean protein or fish, quinoa, and a salad.

Meat needs to be grass fed, have lived outdoors, suckled until it felt “ready” to ween, cuddled at least 30 mins daily, and sourced only from within a 50-mile radius of my house (something to do with local allergens or some voodoo). I couldn’t find that meat at my local grocer. Meat was out. The fish needs to be wild caught, sustainable, and even then, it probably has micro beads in it, so I stayed away from fish.

OK, I could do some yummy quinoa and salad.

But then I remembered grains are bad (by now, I’m so effing hungry I can’t recall why) and on some diets, you can’t eat grains and veggies at the same time. It messes up the digestive process and enzymes. F********ck.

I’m left with salad.


There is no dessert! And don’t try and sell me on the frozen banana-only ice cream or the gluten-free, sugar-free, grain-free, taste-free cakes either. I can tell the difference; I’m on to you!

You can have an apple. Doesn’t that sound yummy and all comfort-food like? Oh, simply bake it for a bit with a dash of cinnamon so it tastes like NO APPLE PIE EVER!

I did find this little drink, (I’m not getting paid for promoting it). It tastes like life and does give you a pep in your step.

Key takeaways:

You can eat spinach, kale, and tomato. And water.


You can do what I did and go to See’s Candy, get a box of chocolates to pair with your delicious wine or cocktail of choice, and smile again. But only the small box because, hello – DIET!



The Secret to Dieting

This post was syndicated with permission to BonBon Break Media LLC.

Heather LeRoss is the mom to two smelly but sweet boys. She spends her days spinning in circles of crazy wearing a tiara, gripping a glass of champagne. She’s a lover of fine boxed wine and chocolate. She’s been featured before on BonBon Break, BluntMoms, Scary Mommy, Dr. Psych Mom and more. She hopes to someday be known as “Heather” again and not “those boys’ mom.”