An Open Letter to the Tooth Fairy by Linda Roy of Mod Mom Beyond Indiedom

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an open letter to the tooth fairy mom humor

Dear Ms. Fairy,  (Or can I call you Toothy?)

You’ve really done it this time.  I would think somebody with your vast experience in the Global Dental Industry would have this schtick down by now.  But no.  Boy #1 – you know him – South facing room, pillow clutcher, strong propensity for outlasting his parents in the night owl department?  He lost his final baby tooth last month.  You want to know what he said to me?  “Okay Mom, just give me the money.  I know she’s not real.”

This is what it’s come to.  Due to your total and utter lack of dependability, your fly by night work ethic, your continuity issues, I get questions like “Why didn’t she come today?”, “We got Fairy Dust on the pillow last time, how come she didn’t do it this time?”  And my all time favorite: “Why did I get a dollar before and a few quarters this time?  My friend Jake gets ten dollars.  Why is the tooth fairy so cheap at our house?”

You’ve got a lot of ‘splainin to do, Missy.  Or rather, thanks a whole lot Miss Thing, because now I have to come up with answers to these probing questions.  What should I tell them?  That the Tooth Fairy is just forgetful?  That she can’t stay awake past 9pm because she’s absolutely exhausted?  That the glitter…er…”fairy dust” was in the kitchen junk drawer until she really needed it?  Do you want me to explain that sometimes the fairy has a dollar in her “wallet” and other days all she has left are a few quarters? And that by the way, ten dollars for having a miniscule, calcified tidbit fall from one’s mouth is a bit of inflation that escapes all reason in my humble parental opinion? Even for front teeth?  Also, that maybe Jake lives in a more upscale cul de sac?  That sometimes when all you have in your fairy purse is a fiver, all principles go out the window you allegedly flew in from?  Should I just chalk it up to late girls’ nights out with Tinkerbell?

So far, I’ve managed to stave off disappointment and disillusionment by citing GPS glitches, amnesia, and scheduling conflicts brought about by out of town Fairy Conventions, (with the possibility of electric toothbrush swag).  And each time one of my boys has come to me with a loose or dislodged tooth, I think this, THIS is your chance to make it all right again; to restore their faith in you.  But what do you do?  You just screw it up again.

Honestly, this is the type of lackadaisical behavior I’d expect from maybe the Easter Bunny.  He’s got zero organizational skills. Heck, he’s known for putting all his eggs in one basket.  But you.  I thought you’d be different.  I expected more from such an ambitious Pixie Chick.  What does this say about women in the work place?  You have got to pull it together, girl.  For the children.

You’re just lucky Boy #2 doesn’t think to check immediately upon awakening, affording you that golden opportunity to slip the bill surreptitiously under his pillow while I, the responsible party in all of this, remind him to look for it.  I’ve saved your butt so many times.  You should slip some coin under my pillow, you know what I’m sayin’?

But don’t worry.  It’ll be our little secret.  Consider this a friendly warning.  Boy #2 is only six.  You still have time to turn this around.


A Mom Just Keeping It Real

ABOUT LINDA: Linda Roy is mom to two boys and founder/co-songwriter of Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses, which she fronts with her husband on lead guitar. After many years of marital and musical partnership, they still haven’t killed each other.

Her blog chronicles life as a mom and musician, as it takes humorous stabs at day to day life, social commentary and even throws in a few song parodies for kicks.

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 This piece was written by Linda Roy of Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom exclusively for Bonbon Break Media, LLC.


photo credit: talksrealfast via photopin cc

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