In Praise of Skorts
OK, friends. I’m gonna get real with you here. Real real. The realest, as the kids today would say. I’m going to pull back the curtain on the greatest secret of my personal summer style formula: the skort.
I know. I KNOW. The skort is the spork of the fashion universe. It’s an item of clothing that brings forth images of either lady golfers or Amy from the Big Bang Theory on her breeziest day. The skort does not evoke a sense of ‘Yes. YES! This the object that will take 10 years off my age, 10 pounds off my ass, and 10 degrees off the summer heat! All while making me feel as slick and trendy as one of those Jenner girls I keep seeing. Hmmmmm. Should I dye my hair blue?”
First of all, YES! Dye your hair blue, lady! Especially if you’re a stay at home mom with no boss to raise eyebrows. This is your blue hair moment! Seize it!
But, back to the skorts. Let’s trot over to the full-length mirror, shall we? Let’s a take a good look. We have “mom bod”, a trend that is as common as “dad bod” and frankly, we need to own it. If you’re anything like me with a few pregnancies and 40 plus years behind you, you’ve got some body traits that don’t lend themselves to short-shorts. You have a lifestyle that doesn’t lend itself to sundresses. Thigh gap? We laugh at thigh gap. Panty peek? Let’s keep Victoria’s Secrets covered right up. Cellulite? Oh! HOLLA for the dimples! And who the hell has time to apply sunscreen to more inches of skin than absolutely necessary? I’m not interested in anything low-rise or spaghetti strapped. I want my undies, up top and down below, tucked away. I want my shoulders protected from melanoma and I want my crotch to be a crotch, not a camel toe.
Ideally, this would mean shorts and t-shirts, right? Except the kind of shorts that look good on the kind of body that has produced real children and hasn’t had the benefit of a personal trainer or cosmetic surgeon are – mom shorts. We’re talking Edith Bunker’s shorts. Mrs. Roper’s shorts. There is no way to make those look cute. It can’t be done. Tina Fey herself would write skits about you in these shorts.
Enter the skort. Contained within the skort is a pair of shorts that meet all the qualifications for summer comfort – lightweight material, roomy thigh coverage, a waist high enough to cover up the tramp stamp you got during Spring Break in 1993. They’re actually truly hideous shorts. But! Over those shorts is a cute little almost-knee-length-skirt! The skirt hides the evils beneath with clean lines and a cute-but-not-too-dressy vibe. Slip on this wonder garment with a t-shirt and it looks like an outfit, not an error. And when you hit the playground with the kids you can bend down or reach up without worrying about anything riding up, down, or sideways. The skort stays put.
I’ve been a dedicated skort-wearer for three summers. I’m actually wearing a skort right now. It looks adorable. I’ll be cool and comfy when I walk to school to pick up my son, and I’ll be able to sit on the parent chairs in the lobby of dance class without worrying that all the hip-hop class moms will know that I don’t start full summer shaving until Memorial Day. I love my skorts and I will never give them up!
Give skorts a chance this summer, friends. I guarantee you’ll be glad you did.
This post was written exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC.