Completely tongue-in-cheek, here are some signs that you may be ready to stop breastfeeding:

1. Like an automaton, you proffer your breast when you hear the words milk, milkies, boob, boobie, etc. (or any utterance that sounds remotely similar).

2. You gaze longingly at your regular bras, tucked into the far reaches of your lingerie drawer, and haven’t the slightest recollection of the last time you wore one.

3. Why buy the milk when you get mama’s milk for free is no longer a humorous saying. In fact, you’re thinking about charging at this point.

4. You’re ready to disassociate yourself from the Got Milk? campaign.

5. You’re seriously questioning having another baby anytime in the near future (because the thought of another nursling makes you cringe).

6. You no longer think the I’m a Boob Man onesie is cute.  At all.

7. You’re ready to wear something other than tank tops and cardigans (because, you know, you stopped wearing nursing clothing LONG ago).

8. Nursing in public?  Pfft! No biggie (almost everyone’s glimpsed my breasts at this point).

9. Your little one can now ask to nurse . . . using a complete sentence.

10. Even your grungiest regular bra looks appealing.

Head to the Family Room

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The post 10 Signs You’re Ready to Stop Breastfeeding first appeared on BonBon Break.

Babies are like that. They suck. If they’re not sucking their hands or one of the million gummy teethers you got at your baby shower or worse, your boob, they’re sucking the life out of you—one bleary-eyed night at a time.

I’m no baby expert. In fact, even the girls on 16 and Pregnant probably have more experience than I do. That said, my mom-to-be friends are always asking me questions — and not just the kind you read in “What to Expect The First Year,” (though if you’re looking for legit advice, close this page and refer to that book). Nope. Instead, they want the real story — the stuff they know only I would be crazy enough to ask a doctor or, quite frankly, to even worry about in the first place.

So here goes, a list of the things I’ve learned so far as a mom. And yes, much to his dismay, I actually did consult with my doctor about much of this. Bless his soul.

1. Yes, all babies make zombie noises at night. So close your eyes and take the helmet off. She won’t eat your brain while you’re sleeping.

2. The hum of a vacuum instantly turns them into narcoleptics. My daughter will either be the best housekeeper who ever existed, or the worst.

3. If you accidentally shoot your kid in the eye with breast milk, she will not go blind. Same goes for your husband or any of your visiting friends.

4. If you feed your baby every time she cries, you are not teaching her to eat her feelings.

5. Don’t abruptly switch formulas or you might quickly understand the enormous difference between spit up and vomit. And, it is huge. Very huge.

6. If your baby is gassy, get baby gas drops because pulling her finger won’t help.

7. If your baby looks exactly like your husband, it’s okay to be really mad. Recognizing you’re a narcissist is the first step to becoming a better mom.

8. If you use a breast pump don’t watch Meet The Parents, or every time you stick your nipple in that plastic cone, you’ll hear Robert DeNiro say, “I have nipples Greg, can you milk me?”

9. Seriously, it really is okay to be really, really mad that your baby doesn’t look like you. You’re not vain at all. I swear.

And, finally . . .

10. Babies really do suck. Invest in turtlenecks.

Head to the Family Room

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Despite dog-earing the pages of the iconic book religiously during her first pregnancy, Allison never expected a lot about the first few months of her baby’s life: the unexplained crying for hours on end, the way her body felt broken, the hormones and intense sleep deprivation that crippled her. With her parents on the opposite coast and her husband back at work, she felt a tide rolling over her. Then, just when she felt herself sinking, someone threw her a rope.

This is Allison’s first post at BonBon Break; welcome, Allison!

ABOUT ALLISON: Allison Slater Tate is a writer and a mother of four children. After acquiring a degree in English from Princeton and surviving a brief career in Hollywood, she set off on the grand adventure that is motherhood in suburbia. Now she is too tired to stay up late enough to watch the television shows she used to work on every day and her children don’t believe she knows how to do fourth grade writing homework. It is a glamorous life. Allison’s writing appears on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, and Brain Child as well as in the anthologies The HerStories Project and This Is Childhood. She was named a BlogHer Voice of the Year 2013 for her essay, “The Mom Stays in the Picture,” which has been read and shared around the world.

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The post Throw Another Mom a Rope – by Allison Slater Tate first appeared on BonBon Break.