11 Ways Kids Birthday Parties Are Like Childbirth

Lynn Morrison

Once you got that baby out of your belly, I bet you thought that level of stressful craziness was behind you. Not so, bucko! The first five years (at least!) of birthday celebrations are so bad, you’ll find yourself wishing for an epidural all over again. Don’t believe me?

Here are eleven ways birthday parties are just like childbirth:

  1. They cost a fortune and you spend weeks preparing for them – between the party favors, custom cake, professionally printed invites and the birthday presents, that hospital bill will start to look like a bargain.
  2. No matter how well you pack and plan, 55% of what you bring will be unnecessary and you will forget at least one key item. Can you believe that we forgot a lighter for the candles? WTF?
  3. By the time the big event happens, you’ll be sweating worse than a congressman caught in a strip club and at least one person in the room will be half naked . . . although hopefully, this time it won’t be you.
  4. You will beg someone to put you out of your misery and they will just chuckle and pat you on the arm before walking away. (Newsflash: we weren’t joking.)
  5. Every time you look for your husband, you’ll find him sitting down relaxing.He’s hiding because he’s afraid you’re going to tell him that all the problems are his fault . . .  because they are.
  6. Your mother-in-law will show up late and take credit for everything. And she’ll also bring some stupidly elaborate gift that exactly one-ups whatever you bought.
  7. Even though you do all the work, the presents are all for someone else. At least with birthdays you can hold out hope that there will be some leftover cake.
  8. You can’t have a glass of wine until they’re over . . .(or maybe that’s just me . . .do I need to find new friends?)
  9. Someone will tell you to enjoy the magical moment and you will find it hard not to punch them. Spoiler alert, it will probably be your mother in law.
  10. Both events end with the sound of a kid crying. Oops, sorry. Typo there. That should read “the sound of YOUR kid crying”. . . #ohjoy
  11. Afterwards, you will swear that there is no way you can go through this pain again, but by the time the next one rolls around, you’ll have forgotten how bad they are.

And this is why the cycle never ends. Now where the hell is that leftover cake?

 Head to the Family Room


11 ways birthday parties are like childbirth

This post was syndicated with permission to BonBon Break Media, LLC.

Lynn Morrison is a smart-ass American raising two prim princesses with her obnoxiously skinny Italian husband in Oxford, England. Born and raised in the Deep American South, Lynn avoided becoming mired in the Mississippi mud by escaping to go to college in California. Had she known that the move would eventually lead to marriage to a nerdy Italian, she might have chosen a mud mask instead. As the Nomad Mom, Lynn exposes the truth about what it’s like to be married to an uber-brainiac and the mother to multilingual children. The truth is, her days are pretty much like everyone else’s, just with more pronunciations of the word “water.” After a long day of struggling to remember to say “chap” instead of “y’all” or “dude,” Lynn likes nothing better than to curl up with her Macbook and a glass of wine and write thought-provoking essays on why sweatpants are the new black or why it is impossible to suck it in for eight hours. If you’ve ever hidden pizza boxes at the bottom of the trash or worn maternity pants when not pregnant, chances are you’ll like the Nomad Mom Diary. You can also find Lynn over on BLUNTmoms.