“Thank you for my new toy.”

“Thank you for reading to me.”

“Little Brother, thanks for the balloon. Thanks for getting my favorite color.”

When I hear my boys say these things, unprompted by me, I feel…well…thankful. I am grateful that they are starting to appreciate what they have and what others do for them and to recognize that expressing their gratitude to others is kind and important. I’m grateful that something we’re doing must be paying off.

So, just how do parents raise grateful children? I’m not an expert on gratitude, but I am sure that appreciation is not taught with a single, mind-changing lesson. Rather, the lessons are in the every day. And it isn’t just about teaching appreciation for things. Appreciating experiences and other people are important too. Here are…

11 ways to raise a grateful child

1. Tell him thank you.

Much like “give respect to be respected,” children learn to appreciate by being appreciated. Thank your child for clearing the table, for playing nicely with his little sister, for waiting patiently while you finish a phone call. Thank him for just being a downright awesome kid. Show him how it feels to be appreciated and have his effort recognized, what gratitude sounds like, and how easily it can be a part of daily life.

2. Let him hear you thank others.

Our children learn so much by watching us. We can tell our kids to be grateful, but showing them what that means is so much more powerful. Point out the kind thing a neighbor or even a stranger did, and express how much you appreciate it. Tell your spouse thank you for making dinner, for helping with baths, for being a great parent. Let your kids hear you express appreciation for these things that are so easy to take for granted.

3. Don’t give her everything she wants.

Is it cliche to say that kids who have everything will appreciate nothing? When my oldest was a preschooler, I worried about him having a serious case of the gimmes. Maybe it was just his age, but I have to think that my tendency to bring home little gifts “just because” and indulge his every wish when we went shopping was part of the problem. We made a conscious effort to scale back – a lot – and I noticed a big improvement in his appreciation for the things we did give him.

4. Give her the things she needs, and provide her with opportunities to earn the things she wants.

Earning can take many forms, like a reward for accomplishing a certain goal or an allowance for chores. Even if you don’t want to tie an allowance to chores, the simple expectation that kids use their own money buy “extras” helps them to understand that many experiences and things require someone’s hard work. (When my boys ask for something at the store, I often ask if they are willing to spend their own money. If the answer is no, my response is usually that if it isn’t something they want badly enough to spend their own money on, they shouldn’t expect me to spend my money on it.)

5. Keep rewards reasonable.

It doesn’t take much to make kids happy, but when they constantly receive big rewards we are setting them up to think big is a way of life. A 50 cent allowance for a kindergartner is enough. When kids are potty training, stickers or M&Ms do the trick. They don’t need a new toy every time they poop or $10 a week. Save the big stuff – video games, a trip to the amusement park – for special occasions or celebrating really big accomplishments, so that it holds its value.

6. Call her out when she is unappreciative.

This doesn’t mean lecture the poor kid about how ungrateful she is, of course, but gently let her know, “Hey, you’re really taking this for granted and it’s not okay.” We’ve run into this at dinner time a lot. If the boys moan and groan about what we’ve served for dinner, our response is something along the lines of, “I think what you mean to say is ‘Thank you, Daddy, for taking the time to cook us dinner tonight.'” This usually stops them in their tracks. It lets them know they can appreciate the work that goes into making dinner, whether or not they like what’s on their plates!

7. Give back.

There are so many ways to give back to our community and to those in need. Rather than doing this solo, involve the kids and talk about what you are doing. Together, select a toy for Toys for Tots. Volunteer to help your local food bank with gleaning. Make care packages for the local homeless shelter. Encourage your child to put a small part of her allowance in the Salvation Army kettles in December. Participate in a walk-for-a-cause.

8.  Help your child see the need around her.

Need can come in so many forms. No matter your family’s situation, you can likely find examples in your community of people in greater need. Talk about why the Toys for Tots boxes are placed around town at the holidays. Point out the food bank when you drive by and talk about why it exists. As you tuck your child in at night, talk about how some children are not so lucky to have warm beds and a fridge full of food. If those things are a struggle for your family, help your child appreciate being healthy and loved. Those things seem so basic, but they are worth appreciating!

9.  Teach your child about developing countries.

Not in a “Woe are the poor people in those other countries” kind of way, but in a more specific way. Talk about how some countries do not have clean drinking water or medicines available. Find examples in the news or books to share with your kids. Sponsor a child through Food for the Hungry and have your child exchange letters with her, and talk about why your sponsorship is important. Help your child to recognize that there is a world beyond her own.

10.  Incorporate daily gratitudes into your family’s routine.

Whether it is part of your dinnertime routine, bedtime, or some sort of gratitude journal, encourage your child to find things to be thankful for every day. Help him to notice the little things that we so often take for granted.

11.  Write thank you notes.

Good ol’ fashioned thank you notes. They are more than a polite formality. They can also help children to realize that the fact a person gave them a gift or came to their party or did something especially nice for them is worth being recognized and acknowledged.

What do you do, to encourage gratitude and appreciation in your children? Please scroll on down to the commend share your stories!

Check out these posts from Musing Momma:

• Spilled Frappucinos: Letting Kids Experience Disappointment
• Three Magic Words that Encourage Respect

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READ THESE FROM BONBON BREAK:

• How to Raise Independent Kids
• Food Banks: Help Beyond the Holidays
• What “I’m Sorry” Teaches

The post 11 Ways To Raise A Grateful Child first appeared on BonBon Break.

by Ellie of Musing Momma

I’m pretty sure that my 7-year-old snuck off at some point in the night and took classes at Harvard Law. How else can I explain his ability to argue any point ad naseum, putting the most seasoned attorney to shame? It’s admirable, really. He is persistent and amazingly convincing. But, as his mom, I also find it really, really frustrating, particularly when the arguing results in a heated negotiation about something I’ve asked him to do or not to do. I am also certain I’m not the first parent to experience this. I was a pretty argumentative kid myself, so I can count my own parents in the “been there” club. Maybe you are a member too?

The Dilemma

On one hand I want to support Zippy’s assertiveness, and I want him to know that what he has to say matters. I know that he is at the age where feeling knowledgeable is important and, as a very goal-directed kid, getting to do what he wants to do is important to him.

On the other hand, there are times that the answer is “because I said so” (even though I swore that would never be the case). As a parent, I’m juggling so many different things that sometimes I just need him to go with the flow so I can keep all of the balls in the air. I also want him to respect my role as the parent in our relationship. The more that I engage with him in debate, the less weight my words seem to hold and the more everything seems to become debatable. And, beyond our relationship as parent and child, I want my boys to learn that there is a time and place to disagree or stand one’s ground – both with adults and with peers. It is an important skill to have when it comes to building healthy relationships or being a strong leader.

So where is the middle ground? How do I give Zip the space to share his point of view, without getting drawn into a heated debate over whether he is allowed to catch snapping turtles with his bare hands or whether he brushed his teeth before getting in bed? (Definite NO on the snapping turtles and, sweetie, your toothbrush is still bone dry.)

The Solution

I was really struggling with this during our end-of-summer trip to Vermont. I was flying solo the last few days and I had reached my breaking point. As usually happens, frustration and guilt about with how I was handling interactions with my boys prompted me to sit down and come up with a plan. The plan is very simple. It is just a structure that allows the kids to share their thoughts but doesn’t enable an argument. It goes something like this:

1. I say something Zip disagrees with – No, you can’t watch the new Ninja Turtles movie. Or You need to clean the playroom before you go to your friend’s house. Or It looks like you have homework tonight.
2. If he disagrees, he asks me, “Can I say something about that?” to which I will try to always say, “Yes.”
3. He can then explain why he disagrees. And – here is the key – I will listen closely to what he has to say. Really listen.
4. I consider his thoughts on the matter (also a key part of the plan), and I either stick to my initial position or agree that he has a good point. And that is the end of it. No more debate. Whatever I say at this point goes.

Why It Works

So often when a disagreement began I would find myself immediately feeling frustrated  (Here we go again!). I would be so intent on standing my ground that I didn’t really listen. My responses became arbitrary and I knew it. Sometimes I gave in (Okay, he makes a good point) and sometimes I stood my ground even though he made a good point (He needs to respect that I’m the adult). And if he didn’t feel heard, that only increased his frustration and fueled his efforts to change my mind.

Our new strategy slows me down and that, in itself, makes a difference. When Zip explains his point of view, I try to let him talk for as long as he needs, and sometimes I ask, “Is there anything you would like to add?” before we move on to the next step, just to be sure he has said everything he needs to say. The beauty of it is that when kids feel heard and know that their thoughts have at least been taken into consideration, they are more likely to accept the outcome, even if it isn’t in their favor.

How It’s Going

I don’t expect to stop the arguing completely. That wouldn’t be realistic or even fair. Kids need to be able to speak up and share their opinions.  We’re all human and get a little heated sometimes. My goal is to keep our frustration and the arguments to a minimum, and to teach Zip how to disagree in a respectful way. Not only does our new strategy divert an argument, but Zip is gaining valuable practice in how to disagree respectfully and “make his case” in a positive way.

It is still a work in progress. I explained the plan to Zip before we started using it and while he sometimes remembers on his own, I often find myself needing to remind him (and myself), “Whoa! This sounds like arguing! What did we forget to do?” “Oh yeah. Can I make a point, Momma?” But the more we practice, the more routine it becomes. And when we do use this strategy, we’re both happier. I’d call that success.

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ABOUT ELLIE: Ellie is the Editor of the Family Room at BonBon Break and blogs at Musing Momma, where she shares inspiration for happy parenting and reflects on life as momma in a mixed race family.  Ellie has a Ph.D. in psychology and counseled children and families for several years before changing paths to spend more time with her family. She resides in central Pennsylvania with her husband, their two adorably mischievous boys (ages 4 and 7), and their sweet, arthritic dog (age 84, in dog years).

Follow Ellie on Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest. You can subscribe to her blog right here. 

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The post How To Stop Kids’ Arguing While Still Letting Them Be Heard first appeared on BonBon Break.

I admit it: Last year our elf – his name is Snuggle – was out of control.

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The post Redefining Elf on the Shelf first appeared on BonBon Break.

Why would a bus full of white college students sing – gleefully – about hanging Black people from trees and never letting n**** into their fraternity?

These Big Incidents keep happening, shining a spotlight on racism in America. One after another, fast and furious, they keep coming, urging us not to look away. Outrage is warranted. Understanding why these awful situations happen is important. Talking about how to prevent them is important.

But here is the thing (excuse me while I hop up on my soapbox here): Racism exists on a continuum. These Big Incidents, they grab our attention. They are a catalyst for dialogue. But let’s not forget that the smaller ways racism and stereotypes manifest every.single.day are what allow the Big Incidents to happen. 

It doesn’t help an ounce to be shocked and outraged at the Big Incidents and pretend that the subtle ways racism manifests don’t exist or aren’t just as significant. I guarantee that expelling a few students isn’t going to eliminate racism on the OU campus – or any campus, for that matter. (Although, hell yeah, they should be expelled.)

Parents, we have a critical job to do as we raise the next round of college students. Each and every one of us.

It’s not enough to not teach our kids to be racist – to steer clear of racial slurs and occasionally remind them everyone is equal. We MUST go deeper than that. We must actively teach our children how not to be racist. And it means starting with ourselves.

And I know – I know that for white families in mostly white communities it is easy to forget about race, to push it to the back of the closet under the winter boots and lost mittens. Parents have so much to worry about that if race isn’t impacting our lives in obvious ways, we turn our attention to all of the other (very important) parts of raising kids….like homework and friendships and making sure they aren’t downloading porn on their phones.

But if we don’t talk about race and, more specifically, racism, we leave our kids wide open to the daily messages they receive about the worth of people of color in our society. Those messages are coming at them from all sides – movies, books, the nightly news, their friends, school, history books – just like they are coming at us.  Acknowledging that we respond to or think about people of color differently doesn’t make us Racist with a capital R – it makes us honest and provides us the opportunity to challenge our reactions. Our kids need to know that and learn to do the same.

As parents, we need to immerse ourselves in conversations about race, learn about the experiences of people different from ourselves, and educate ourselves about what privilege and discrimination mean in America. We need to find our blind spots so that we don’t unintentionally pass them on to our kids, and so that we recognize racism, in all of its forms, where it exists. And – oh, here is the hard, hard, hard part for many of us – we have to find the courage to speak up when we see it, to lead our kids by example, and to show them that if we aren’t part of the solution, the problem continues.

We need to commit to actively ensuring that when our babies go off to college, they recognize racism when they see it, want NO part in it, and speak out against it.

Racism exists on college campuses. It exists in our high schools and middle schools and, yes, our elementary schools. It may go unnoticed by many, but it is there until we do something about it or until a Big Incident shines a light on the ugly truth.

The incident at OU is one incident that was caught on tape. One kid on that bus knew enough to record it and push it into the right hands – passing it on to the black student group Unheard, which in turn shared it with the University President on Twitter. I like to hope it wasn’t an accident and that the student knew exactly what he or she was doing. That there was a kid on that bus who knew this was appalling and knew action needed to be taken. I like to hope that someone’s mama didn’t let her baby grow up to be racist.

BOOKS & SITES TO HELP YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY:

• Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together In The Cafeteria by Beverly Daniel Tatum
• The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration In The Age Of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
• 5 Tips to Raise Racially Sensitive Children on BonBon Break
• 9 Black Twitter Feeds You Need To Follow Right Now
• 50 Books By People of Color 
• And then check out some websites like The Root, Colorlines, and (BonBon Break contributor!) My Brown Baby

Note: I realize this piece is directly primarily toward white parents. This is in no way meant to exclude people of color who are reading this. It is simply a part of the conversation where I felt able to contribute. 

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The post Mama, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Racist first appeared on BonBon Break.

“Let me think about it,” he replied. “I’ll let you know in a week.”

I had to laugh at the finality with which he delivered his answer – so confident! – and at these mature words from the mouth of my kindergartner. Although I’m not so sure he is really using this week to reflect on his options, he is starting to grasp an important lesson: it’s okay to sit with uncertainty. It’s okay to say, “I’m not sure,” and to let thoughts and emotions swirl until they eventually settle (more or less) and point us in the right direction.

My little guy is a sensitive, emotional kid. In the past year, there has been more than one occasion when, in the midst of a meltdown, I asked him what he needed or what we could do to make things better, and his response was a distraught, “I don’t know!!!” To which I eventually started to reply, “That’s okay. Let’s just sit here. We’ll figure it out.” Somehow, having permission not to know calmed him. It gave him space to breathe. And within a few minutes he usually came up with something – he needed a hug; he wanted to go play outside instead of inside; he could use this LEGO piece instead of that LEGO piece.

This idea that we don’t need to have everything figured out Right This Second gets lost sometimes in our immediate-gratification, quick-to-judge, fast-paced culture. We so often see difficult emotions as a problem to fix, rather than something to experience and learn from. It’s just as true for adults as it is for kids – maybe more true for adults since our kids are just learning what we teach them.

Sitting with uncertainty is a muscle we have to exercise. It’s difficult if we’re out of practice. But lately, I’ve been realizing what a difference it makes. It lets us respond thoughtfully and deliberately, instead of jumping to action before we’ve had a chance to really process. It’s something I’ve been doing more and more in the past months, as I’ve gotten more involved in my community and found myself mediating some tense situations. “Let me think about this,” I find myself saying… a lot! And then I run errands or go for a walk or take a shower, maybe talk it through with my husband until I eventually figure out what to do.

In the wake of the deaths of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile and the Dallas police officers, I see the need for us to give uncertainty its due. I’ve found myself overwhelmed by the enormity and the gravity of what is happening, by the fact that there is no easy fix, no matter how desperately we want one. It shines a light on just how messy and complicated life is, full of humanity and imperfection, ego and good intentions.

More than once these past few days I’ve found myself wanting to stick my head in the sand and sing la-la-la when someone shares an idea contrary to what I believe to be true. A valid argument that doesn’t fit with my position? It rattles me. It makes me…uncertain. And that uncertainty doesn’t feel good when our emotions flood us and what we want is a clear solution. That uncertainty is scary and unsettling and there is an urge to just make it go away.

But one thing I am sure of is that allowing space for that uncertainty is what can bring us together. Not having all of the answers is what allows us to listen and learn from one another and be open to new possibilities. Can we say:

I don’t have all the answers. Let’s sit here together. Let’s hurt and rage and cry together.

I don’t understand as well as I thought I did. I’ll just listen. Maybe that will help me figure this out.

Let’s look at this problem, this overwhelming problem, from all angles and let it rattle around in our brains. There are answers somewhere…if we can let ourselves be uncertain first.

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This post was syndicated with expressed permission from Ellie C.

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Did you know that preschoolers and kindergartners are not only the most likely age group to start fires but also the most likely to die in them? That’s scary stuff – especially if, like me, you are the parent of a little.

So while National Fire Prevention Month isn’t until October, and house fires are most likely during the winter months, summer is a good time to talk about how we, as parents, can prevent our children from playing with fire.

Fire safety is about more than smoke detectors and practicing escape routes, although those are certainly necessary. 

Let’s start off with some facts. I’m going to share some numbers with you, not to freak you out, but because informed parents can be empowered parents, and I believe that most parents, if they understand the risks, will do what they can to keep their kids safe.

Did you know —

• Each year, there are nearly 50,000 fires that result from children playing with fire. Fifty thousand. And those are just the fires that get reported to local fire departments. And 7,000 house fires per year are caused by children playing with fire.

• Many of these fires are causes by children under age 6. Why? Well, they are more likely to play with matches or a lighter inside the house, whereas older kids are more likely to do so outside. Oftentimes a fire starts in a bedroom where a mattress or bedding is set on fire. And because young children don’t grasp the dangers, they may hide or leave the room, which means the fire has time to grow before it is discovered.

• One of the leading causes of fire-related death and injury for children under age 9 is playing with fire.

• Fires spread incredibly quickly. If you wonder how fast, check out this video that shows a wastebasket fire consuming a room within a few minutes. Now imagine that a child accidentally set that fire, freaked out, and ran off to do something else so he wouldn’t get in trouble….leaving the fire to burn.

Why are young children at higher risk? 

Little ones are naturally curious about the world around them. If they have access to lighters or candles, they may want to try them out or play grown-up. It is rare that a preschooler’s fire-play is related to some type of psychological issue. Mostly it comes down to curiosity and opportunity (access to lighters and being unsupervised).

Little kids’ knowledge of fire is limited, and they often don’t understand the danger involved. For this reason, kids may experiment and, if they do start a fire, not comprehend the damage it can do. They may not know how critical it is to get help, they may be afraid they will get in trouble, and they probably don’t know how to safely extinguish or get away from a fire. It isn’t uncommon for young children to hide when  there is a fire, putting them at increased risk.

How to teach young children fire safety

I’m not a fire safety expert by any means. The tips below are gathered from various fire-related websites and resources, as well as some trainings that I attended.

• Set clear messages. Don’t play with fire around kids or use fire as “entertainment.” Teach respect for fire by talking about its function – warmth, safety – as well as how it is something that must be used with care. Talk about matches/lighters as tools that are only for grown-ups to use – just like a knife or saw – and stick to this rule; don’t let young kids experiment with lighting matches or handle fire-setting tools, even if you are supervising.

• Teach your child that if he sees matches or a lighter, he should not touch it and should tell a grown-up right away, just as you would with a gun. I’ll admit I’ve “slipped” and left a lighter on the kitchen counter while we’re grilling. When my son points it out, I give him lots of praise for remembering this “safety rule” and telling me.

• Talk about how quickly fire can spread and, in age-appropriate terms, the damage it can do. Emphasize how important it is that kids run to tell an adult if they see fire.

What else can you do? 

• Limit access! This is so, so important. Don’t rely on a young child’s judgment to be what keeps him/her safe. (Same goes for guns. I cringe every time I hear a parent say, “Well, no, our guns aren’t locked…but our kids know not to touch them.”)

Matches and lighters are the number one ways that kids play with fire. They should be kept out of reach. Your best bet is not to have matches in the home at all and store child-resistant lighters away from children.  If you have smokers in your home or who visit often, pay special attention to lighters kept in purses, pants pockets, and other places that kids can get to.

Also, don’t burn candles. If you must, keep them high up and only burn them under your supervision. That means if you leave the room, the flame should be extinguished. If you like using scented wax melts (“tarts”), opt for an electric warmer instead of a one with a flame.

• Have a fire extinguisher in your home, just in case.

• Make sure there are smoke detectors in your home and that they are working. In 60 percent of cases where someone died in a house fire, there was either no smoke detector, or it wasn’t working. We check our detectors when we turn the clocks back or forward — it is an easy way to remember and ensures we check them regularly. Have a smoke detector in every bedroom, outside of sleeping areas (e.g., the hallway), in each living space, and on each floor of your home.

• Have a fire escape plan in your home. Children learn best by doing, so practice your plan several times and periodically run through it again, but also remember that young children will likely need an adult to help them get out of the home.

The U.S. Fire Administration has some fabulous materials for parents of young children. I especially like their brochure.

My boys, at 4 and 7, are curious about fire. On summer evenings we often build a fire in our backyard, which raises all kinds of interest in what they can/can’t throw in the fire, among other things. Rather than not enjoy a campfire, we use this as an opportunity to practice staying safe around fire and talk about some of the messages above — fire isn’t a toy (so no, you can’t throw plastic food wrappers in it just to see what happens), but fire does keep us warm, provide a way of cooking (s’mores!), and is pretty to look at.

Data courtesy of  U.S. Fire Administration, Centers for Disease Control & Prevention, National Fire Protection Association.

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Actually, YES, it does!

At 7 1/2, my oldest is an experienced neighborhood-roamer. Last summer, when I would post pictures on Facebook of the fort he had built with his buddies or some other escapade the neighborhood kids had dreamt up, there were inevitably comments like, “It’s nice to see kids still do that” or “I wish our neighborhood was like that.”  It seems that many parents these days want their kids to enjoy the sort of wandering we associate with childhood but aren’t always sure how to make that happen.

Certainly it is easier in some communities that others. My boys are 4 and 7. Their freedom to roam has been a bit more limited since we moved this spring, if only because homes on our new street are still being built and I’m not 100 percent comfortable letting them ride their bikes around construction vehicles. But as soon as all of the sidewalks are in, the oldest will have pretty free reign of our block and be ringing the neighbors’ doorbells (but not until after 9 am). Our last street was quiet and full of kids under 10; my kiddo started roaming as soon as he was in kindergarten, if not a little sooner.

As long as you live in a relatively safe and family-friendly community – be it a street block or an apartment building – there are few reasons I can think of not to let your kids roam…and a LOT of reasons you should! So exactly how do you know when your child is old enough and ready to start roaming the ‘hood? And how do you make this happen? Here are a few tips that worked for us.

1.    Know Your Neighbors

The better you know your neighbors, and the the better they know you, the more comfortable you’ll be letting your child venture off. Go for walks. Introduce yourself – and your kids – to other adults on your block. Invite another family over for a cook-out or a morning play date. Build those relationships! And if you “don’t have that kind of neighborhood,” be the trend-setter. It has to start somewhere, and there are a zillion ways to build a sense of community. (I have a few ideas on the Community page of my site. One of my all-time faves is the neighborhood race day.)

So let’s say you do have a friendly neighborhood. Before your kids start to roam, consider the following:

• Share cell phone numbers. Texting (or calling) is a great way to keep track of where your kids to monitor their safety. Our last neighborhood had an awesome group of parents who would text each other when the kids were out and about: “They are at my house now.” “The kids are headed out on their bikes.” “So-and-so is on his way back home. He should be there in 5.”

• Be considerate. No one wants a house full of kids all.day.long. If the gang has been at your neighbor’s for a while, ask them to send the kids your way. Don’t let your kid ring doorbells before breakfast or during dinnertime. And, if your child does something inappropriate, address it. We make sure our neighbors know that we want them to tell us if our child causes any problems and vice versa, and we remind the boys often that being good guests is essential if they want to be welcome in others’ homes.

• Know each others’ rules. It is really helpful to know what other families’ rules are, particularly around safety, and to share yours. This doesn’t mean you can expect everyone else to change their rules to parent the same way that you do, but it does help you to look out for each other’s kids as well as to know what to expect when your kids are at someone else’s home.

• Ask about gun, fire, and pool safety. This can be awkward, but once your child starts playing at other homes without your supervision, it is really important to know whether there are firearms and lighters/matches and how they are stored. It is slightly less awkward if you frame it as something you ask all parents. “Hey, so I always like to ask other families…do you have any guns in your house?” When I started asking this I was amazed how many parents rely on kids’ judgment to keep them safe from guns, instead of storing guns safely. If a family has a pool, know what their rules are about supervision and swimming. The goal isn’t to change other families’ rules, but to create rules for your child based on what goes on in other homes. How you do that is up to you. Our family’s approach is to let our boys know which houses they are allowed to go inside without asking (we call them “green light” houses, which means my husband and I are confident they are safe and the kids can go anytime) and which houses either still need to be checked out or require that we are with them.

2.  Have clear expectations and repeat them often.

Start by creating some basic safety-related rules. In the beginning, ours were things like “don’t cross the street without an adult,” and “bikes must stay on the sidewalk.” We reiterated these rules each time our son went out, and we reminded him that being allowed certain freedoms (which evolved gradually) depended on his ability to follow those rules. Nowadays we remind him before he heads out to come right back home if his friend isn’t available to play and to have the other parent text us if he is going to stay. The rules will evolve over time as your child matures and is ready for more freedom.

3.  Start small.

When I look back, the transition from “always supervised” to “roamer” was a gradual one that started with things like letting my oldest ride his bike up and down the block while we watched from the driveway, then allowing him to ride to his friend’s house at the end of the block and ring the doorbell. Early on, he wasn’t allowed to cross the street without an adult, which meant sticking to the houses on our side of the road and going no farther than the corner. As we grew confident in his ability to look both ways before crossing, we started letting him cross solo.  This goes along with the next tip.

4.  Test them out.

Whether you have a 5-year-old or a 15-year-old, give your child as much freedom as she can handle responsibly. Create some rules and see how your child responds. The more responsibility your child shows, the more freedom she is allowed – up to a point, of course.  And if your child can’t follow the rules, you know she isn’t  ready for those freedoms quite yet.  When my oldest was 5, we quickly realized he wasn’t yet able to follow the rules we set, so we took a step back and tried again a few weeks later. (If you are curious, you can read more about that here.) The nice thing about this approach is that kids generally recognize the fairness of it, especially if they understand how it works, and you frame the goal as keeping them safe.

5.  Practice.

Find opportunities for your child to practice following the rules you’ve established and demonstrate the skills you want to see. Remind him why these rules/skills are important and what it means for him. I vividly remember pointing out to my son, who was paying no attention whatsoever to the other cars in a parking lot one day, that looking for cars was a skill he needed to demonstrate to show us that he could play safely in the neighborhood. That clicked for him, and — suddenly — he was super-motivated to cross roads (and parking lots) safely. In no time, he had earned some new freedoms that he wanted.

And one last tip: As parents we need to be willing and able to deal with a little bit of uncertainty. We need to remind ourselves that, in spite of what the media suggests, in many ways the world isn’t any more dangerous now than it was when we were kids – maybe less so, as public awareness campaigns have made most parents more aware of true safety risks.  Our kids will benefit from experiencing an age-appropriate level of independence and the chance to socialize with their friends without an adult watching over their every move, just like we did.

So, are your kids ready to roam?

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The post Tips for Letting Your Kids Roam This Summer first appeared on BonBon Break.

Always the optimist, I assumed everyone was as entertained as we were. A couple of days passed before I realized the intense criticism and backlash that Beyoncé’s performance had engendered.

There were rallying cries on Twitter to #BoycottBeyonce, claims that Beyoncé is a racist cop-hater, and criticism of the lack of white performers in her entourage. Former NYC Mayor Rudolph Guiliani called the show “outrageous,” while Fox & Friends Host Brian Kilmeade was in an uproar that Beyoncé “was basically telling cops to stop shooting Blacks.” And let’s not forget the invitations to protest the NFL for having the gall to let Beyoncé perform as she did.

I like to think that most white people, like myself, enjoyed the show and hope the incredible amount of hate levied against Beyoncé following the Super Bowl comes from an exceptional but very vocal few. But the stories popping up in my news feed certainly got me thinking.

Beyoncé is an incredibly savvy woman who used her Super Bowl performance as an opportunity to go beyond entertaining a crowd and say something. Her message was loud and clear and powerful. Was the Super Bowl – with its 115 million viewers – the place for that to happen? Why not? Because her message made some people uncomfortable?

That discomfort is exactly why her performance was so important.

White people have a choice in how to respond to Beyoncé’s message. We can dismiss it as racist and offensive and claim Beyoncé is an opportunistic cop-hater, echoing the knee-jerk reactions of ill-informed talking heads. We can pretend race relations in our country are peachy-keen and if Black people would just “respect the police” everything would be fine, refusing to consider overwhelming evidence to the contrary. We can believe Black people are here to entertain us, just as long as they don’t speak too loudly or publicly about the systematic racism that they experience on a daily basis – as long as their view of the world doesn’t differ from our own.

Or, we can take the extra step to try to understand what Beyoncé is saying and why she feels the way she does. We can try to figure out what it is about Black solidarity and Black pride that feels so threatening. We can take any hurt feelings we have about the lack of non-Black back-up dancers to consider the impact that the overwhelming whiteness of modern television and movies has on people of color, both on and off the screen, and question the double standard. We can consider why Beyoncé is the beloved diva of hip-hop when she sings about putting a ring on it or glams it up in couture, but becomes the target of public vitriol when she reminds us she is a Black woman with Southern roots who fervently believes #BlackLivesMatter.

We can take the extra step and actually read the many amazing posts analyzing Beyoncé’s lyrics, Super Bowl performance, and video to educate ourselves about the history, imagery, and messages they contain. We can listen – really listen – to the reactions of the Black community, with the intention of learning and understanding.

We can also recognize where limitations in our understanding of Black history impede our ability to engage in productive discussion. Many people equated Beyoncé’s nod to the Black Panthers and Malcolm X with an anti-white, pro-violence message. The Panthers are known to many white Americans as “that militant Black group,” the yin to Martin Luther King’s non-violent yang. We know their history as told from the white perspective.

In fact, the Black Panthers were formed in the 1960s for the purpose of defending black communities from police brutality being directed at persons of color as they advocated for their civil rights. They were armed for self-defense (like many Americans today), not to promote violence. They organized free breakfast programs for children and medical clinics for people of all colors, programs that represented a coming together of revolutionaries in service to their community. (Formation, anyone?) And as they rallied communities to take control of their own destinies, they sowed the seeds of the Black Pride movement – something Beyoncé spoke to as she sang, I like my baby hair, with baby hair and afros; I like my Negro nose with Jackson Five nostrils.

The parallels between the conditions under which the Black Panthers formed and the civil rights issues of today are uncanny. After four years that have seen the shootings of Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, and Michael Brown (just to name a few), the Charleston church massacre, and videos of Black teenage girls thrown to the ground by law enforcement at pool parties and in the classroom, Beyoncé put the #BlackLivesMatter front and center. That it made so many people angry and uncomfortable speaks to how far we still have to go.

The post Beyoncé Spoke. Did You Listen? first appeared on BonBon Break.

I came up with a system that we’ve been using for a couple of months now, and it is so stinkin’ EASY, which is why it has lasted this long. It doesn’t require much of my attention at all.

Step 1: The Chores

The boys each have a list of “morning tasks” that they need to complete, and we taped it to the bathroom mirror so they can’t miss it. In the morning, before they head downstairs, we remind them to review their list and make sure everything is done. Sometimes we send them back upstairs to double-check the list. But for the most part, it has become a habit, and they don’t need a whole lot of reminding anymore.

Their lists include basic hygiene like “brush your teeth” and some simple daily chores like wiping toothpaste from the bathroom sink, making their beds, and closing their dresser drawers and closet door. (I’m trying hard to teach them “you open it, you close it,” if only because half-open drawers drive me bonkers.) There are also a couple of things that aren’t on their lists that they are expected to do, like clearing their plates from the table after meals or emptying the recycling bin when asked.

Step 2: The Allowance

Each of the boys has a small plastic baggie on the kitchen counter. If I were a craftier mom, I would make some fancy little “allowance jar,” but a baggie works just fine. At the beginning of the week, I put eight quarters in each of their baggies. This $2 is their allowance, which is a significant increase from the 50 cents a week they received until this fall. My husband didn’t think we should raise it, but the bottom line is that 50 cents wasn’t motivating them. At all. It took too long to save up for anything they might want to buy, and they would just get discouraged.

Throughout the week, if a chore is left undone, my husband or I will do it, BUT we charge a quarter per chore, which gets taken out of their baggies. Usually a quick reminder, “I’d be happy to do that chore, but I charge 25 cents” motivates them to get the job done. If I end up making a bed or straightening up a room after the boys have gone to school, I let them know later that I did one of their chores.  The key is that we’re very matter-of-fact about it. It isn’t shaming or punitive – just a “Hey, I did this, and it cost a quarter.” However, they have become so great about doing their chores that it doesn’t happen very often.

I am tempted not to take a quarter on some occasions, and sometimes I do cut them a little slack – especially if I know there is a reason that something didn’t get done. For the most part, I try to be consistent because knowing that their allowance will be smaller if they don’t follow-through is what makes this system work. On Sunday morning whatever is in their baggies goes into their sweet little hands then typically, into their piggy banks.

What I love about this, and what makes it so easy for us, is the fact that there is no “chore chart” or day-to-day tracking of “did this get done/ didn’t this get done.” I don’t have to worry about how much chores are worth or whether they have done enough of them to earn their allowance. The boys are motivated by the knowledge that $2 is waiting for them when they do their part.

Over the past three months, their chores have, for the most part, become a habit, and, ultimately, that is what I hope to instill – good habits, along with the understanding that money is something that we earn and manage.

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The post The Easiest Allowance System Ever: Turning Chores Into Habit first appeared on BonBon Break.

As a result, “emotions” have been on my mind. What lessons do our children need to learn about their feelings? And how do we help them cope when the going gets tough, in a way that both acknowledges their pain and moves them forward?

It’s a lifelong process and one I’m sure won’t end even when my boys are grown. But there are a few key lessons we’ve been talking a lot about over the past couple of weeks – lessons I think are important for any kid.

1.  There is a word for this.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat next to a friend at Back-To-School night and we swapped stories about the tough time our kindergarteners were having with the transition to a new school. Both boys had been unusually emotional, out of sorts and upset about unexpected things, and as my friend added, “They just don’t have the words for what they are feeling.” She is absolutely right. And that is why it is our job, as parents, to give them the words!

Most of us get into the habit pretty early on of naming our kids’ emotions for them. There are small opportunities all day long to help our kids learn the language of emotion, simply by labeling what they might be feeling or what we ourselves feel.

2.  Our feelings are telling us something.

As therapists are fond of saying: Our emotions are messages to us, from us, about us. Sometimes the reason for what we are feeling is obvious, but sometimes it isn’t – and that is when helping our kids pull this chaotic swirl of feelings into focus and somehow make sense of it, is all the more important.

My first conversation with Bee about how nervous he was about kindergarten happened one evening when I was trying to get him bathed and he was just melting down all over the place. He cried because he didn’t want to shower. He cried because his daddy and brother weren’t home yet. He cried because . . . he didn’t even know why he was crying!

That particular day was one of his last at preschool and his clingyness suddenly seemed like a giant red flag waving itself in my face. When I pointed out that he had a big change coming up and was maybe having some “Big Feelings” about that, the floodgates really opened. All of those feelings had been swirling about inside him, but he hadn’t the slightest idea what to do with them. Once we identified the reason he was feeling so unsettled, we were able to start talking about it.

3. You can have two feelings at once.

The transition to kindergarten has been the perfect opportunity to talk about how we can – and often do – have two feelings at once, even two seemingly incompatible feelings. We have talked often about how Bee is excited, but also nervous and sad too. He has fun at the sitter’s, but also misses Mommy while he is there. (Mommy loves the freedom that comes with two kids in school, and feels horribly guilty sending Bee to the sitter – I keep that one to myself.)

4. Feel the feelings.

I never want to be the parent who tells her kids that their feelings are wrong or unacceptable or something to be avoided – even when those feelings are difficult and make me uncomfortable too.  I strongly believe that learning to sit with difficult feelings, instead of run from them, is a critical skill for healthy adulthood.  So there have been lots of tears the past two weeks, lots of hugs, and a lot of, “Yes, this is hard.” Acknowledging feelings and being supported help us move forward.

5. You can handle this.

There is a time to let it all out and a time to put on your game face. While we let Bee fall apart at bedtime or for a few minutes before breakfast, we also discourage him from dwelling on those feelings when he starts his day at the sitter’s. We talk about things he can do to cope, like bring his favorite stuffed animal, sit next to a friend, or distract himself by focusing on the morning activity. And each morning we tell him how proud we are of how he is handling a tough situation.

6. These feelings will pass.

“I wish it was Friday already.” It was the eve of the second week of school, and Bee and I were curled up in his bed, snuggling a little before I tucked him in bed. “I wish it was Friday, because then I would be more used to Miss B’s house and the other kids and I would feel a little better.”

This was the result of a conversation my husband had with Bee about how hard it is go someplace new, how it takes time to get comfortable, and how – in a few weeks – he won’t be so nervous.

I have had to remind myself of this lesson, too. I’m keeping my eyes on the end of September, 99% certain that we’ll look back see that Bee will be in a very different place – figuratively, not literally! These feelings will pass, for all of us.

I’m sure that as my boys continue to grow there will be more situations like these – new situations with new emotions that they aren’t quite sure what to do with. Our job as parents is to help them recognize their feelings, give them the words to describe them, and figure out what to do with them.

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I wish I could say that my husband and I put a lot of thought into the decision to get our kids iPads of their own.  My boys are only 5 and 8, after all, and I pride myself on having children who are more interested in mud and bugs than electronics. But the truth is that we snatched up those tablets without giving it much thought at all because Hello! Sale! And, more importantly, this momma was desperate to stop handing over her smartphone every time one of the boys wants to “look something up” or play Angry Birds.

I didn’t anticipate how challenging it would be to enforce screen time limits once my kids had those tablets in hand. Until now, managing screen time hasn’t posed much of a problem, but somehow that all changed once they had their own devices. We follow all of the “recommended practices” – storing their devices out of sight when they aren’t in use, using parental control software, and so forth. And when the iPads come out to play, I set a timer for 30 minutes and then….

Oh. Right. That’s where I fail miserably!

I get absorbed in whatever I am doing while they are absorbed in their iPads. The timer goes off and I just let them keep playing.  The electronic babysitter is convenient for me, but I know it isn’t good for them.

As luck would have it, I found a solution!

“Mommy, can I play on my iPad? I’m building Hogwarts in Minecraft and I need to figure out…”

“Sure, bud. You’ve got 30 minutes.”

Half an hour later, while I’m eyeballs-deep in stinky socks and Underoos in the laundry room – POOF! All downloaded apps and internet access on my kiddo’s tablet vanish. Time is UP!

What magic gave me such incredible powers?!

I could tell the boys I’ve been studying with Dumbledore, but the truth is that I downloaded an app that lets me manage my kids’ devices from my phone, scheduling blocks of time when their tablets can or can’t be used. And with one simple click, the schedule can be overridden for a selected period of time – or “until I say so.” Bwa-ha-ha! That’s right, kids! UNTIL I SAY SO!  OurPact is my electronic enforcer and, in those moments when I am otherwise indisposed, plays the role of “bad guy” for me.

I found this works best if I take a couple of extra steps:

1. I set a timer on their tablets that gives them a “2 minute warning” before those apps disappear, and
2. I have them decide – before hopping on their iPads – what they are going to do afterward.

Otherwise, the electronic enforcer results in grumpy, wandering children.

Knowing just how many teenagers are up until the wee hours of the morning on school nights, texting or interacting on social media long after their parents have gone to bed, I love that I already have a powerful tool for those not-so-far-off days when my boys want to flirt on Facebook instead of finish their geometry homework.

And one more bonus? It’s a free app. Free, people! Download it now.

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This post was written by Ellie of Musing Momma exclusively for BonBon Break Media, LLC.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This is a “sponsored post.” The company who sponsored it compensated us via a cash payment, gift, or something else of value to write it. We only recommend products or services we use personally and believe will add value to our readers.

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by Ellie of Musing Momma

Dear Amanda and Jennifer,

A few days ago, I spotted your story on the internet. I admit my initial reaction to the headline was outrage. Suing over a baby’s race? Seriously?!  I was busy and I didn’t have time to read the full story (or determine if headlines were even accurate). But I did have time, in the coming days, to read some of the reactions that followed, and I found myself nodding my head in agreement as others criticized your decision to sue and painted you as unappreciative racists.

Then…

Then I read the news stories for myself. And I started to wonder if the criticism you are receiving is really so deserved.

When it comes to race and parenting, we want things to be black and white. You are a racist or you aren’t. You’re a great parent or a horrible one. On-line sometimes the lines are drawn even more harshly, with greater certainty, and too quickly. We rush to judgment. Things are so much simpler if we can put them in neat, tidy boxes.

We forget that, in reality, we are all a million shades of gray. Even the most open-minded, culturally sensitive person struggles with prejudice at some level – studies on implicit racial bias have shown us that time and again. And anyone who has kids should realize that most of us are doing our best – whatever that best is – as we struggle through one of the most challenging roles we’ll ever have, one where the stakes often feel oh-so-high.

I started to think about the shades of gray in this situation you find yourself in.

You didn’t expect to be raising a child of color and you weren’t prepared. 

That doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just a fact.

I have no doubt that you love your daughter and that you fall more in love with her every day. And, at the same time, you have been thrust into a life you didn’t expect. Those two things are not incompatible.

You put great care into selecting who would be the father of your child. Sure, it may have been done through pages and profiles, but this was an enormous decision for the two of you and one you spent months making.

We all make a conscious choice about the lineage of our kids. Some of us do it by choosing who we procreate with. Is it someone athletic? Someone smart? Someone witty or dynamic or shy? And yes, we know what that person looks like. Some traits are more important to us than others. Adoptive parents do it too. Even when they know very little about their child’s birth parents, they make a decision based on what they do know – and that often involves knowing the child’s racial heritage. Parents using artificial insemination and sperm banks make a choice too.

So most of us raising kids of color made a conscious choice to do so. For some it was an easy choice and for others maybe it was something they really needed to put some thought into. We can say a child’s color doesn’t matter (because it shouldn’t) but no one will deny that raising kids of color has unique challenges in our society. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it – God no! – but those of us who choose to raise kids of color are choosing to take on those challenges and, I’m guessing, feel ready to do so. Long gone of the days are thinking the “color blind” approach to raising kids in a mixed race family is the healthiest way to go.

These days I wear my identity as wife in an interracial marriage and white mom to two biracial boys like a finely tailored coat. It fits me like a glove. I wear it well, comfortable and confident. I think I look pretty damn good in this coat.

But let me tell you, Jennifer and Amanda, something I have never put into writing before: It was not always that way. When my first son was born, nearly eight years ago, I felt awkward and uncertain, as though I had been handed a bulky coat and I couldn’t figure out quite how to wear it. By power of the deepest bond imaginable, I was now aware of race in ways I never anticipated. When relatives questioned my biracial son’s light complexion or strangers wanted to touch my son’s curls, I didn’t know how to feel or what to say. I was figuring out not just what it meant to be a mother, but to be the mother of a child of color. I had to figure out what it meant for my own identity and what it meant as far as raising my boys – these two human beings I love more than anything in this whole wide world and beyond – in a world where others would see their skin before seeing them.

I felt that way even though I came into that role willingly, enthusiastically, and somewhat prepared. I have always been someone to embrace diversity and look for the commonalities among us, rather than the differences. I had taken graduate classes in cultural psychology. I had a (somewhat) diverse group of friends and had been in a relationship with a black man for several years at that point.

From what I have read, it sounds like you are at a very different point in your experience of race. I know that difference doesn’t mean you are horrible, awful people. It means that you – we – are living in a culture where race is still used to judge and discriminate, where too often white people and black people live separate lives and that segregation prevents us from having the experiences we need to see each other as individuals, instead of stereotypes. You grew up – like so many Americans have – in a small, almost-all-white town and you weren’t prepared for this.

You are brave to admit it: Raising a black child in America is different than raising a white child. Raising a child that doesn’t look like you, as parents, feels like uncharted territory. And you aren’t sure you know what to do. You aren’t sure you can handle it. Your community is not the ideal place for a black child to grow up. You are scared for yourselves – already discriminated against on account of your sexuality – and you are scared for your daughter. 

I get it.

I also get that your love for your daughter and your decision to sue the sperm bank are probably completely unrelated in your minds.

Saying the sperm bank made a mistake doesn’t mean you are saying your daughter is a mistake. 

I get that terms like “wrongful birth” – words that some are reacting to so strongly – are legal terms, not your words. For you this lawsuit is about accountability and sperm banks honoring the incredibly personal nature of the work that they do, not about race. Lawyers need to find ways to make their case and, in this instance, race has become a part of that case. Or maybe it has simply become a way for the media to create attention-grabbing headlines – headlines to which people are reacting strongly. But a 200-word article doesn’t tell the whole story and I won’t assume to know it.

I understand how you might feel that – issues of race aside – sperm banks need to be held accountable for the service that they give. Yes, children are involved, but sperm banks are also a business, one where money exchanges hands and people make life-changing decisions. You spent months choosing a biological father for your child. So when a company keeps handwritten records – where a #380 can be mistaken for #330 – you want them to take responsibility for that.

Maybe you thought you’d file the lawsuit and it would be handled quietly, out of the watchful eye of the national media. Maybe you hoped you would change the practices of the sperm bank to ensure it takes greater care in handling such personal matters and that you would be awarded enough money to cover expenses you didn’t anticipate when this all began – expenses like moving to a more diverse community for your daughter.

You love your daughter. 

Going forward, you will need hands to hold and to surround yourself with people who lift up the two of you and your sweet little girl. You will need to find ways to surround your daughter with others who look like her – in books, on tv, in her day-to-day life. You will need to root out your own prejudices and stereotypes. You will need to learn more about the experience of black people in America today, to become an advocate and champion. Your world will change in beautiful and amazing ways.

I have a feeling you already know this.

These things won’t happen overnight.

But the good news is that there are so many resources out there – books and website and people to guide you. There is a whole community out here who welcome you with open arms. Allies. Friends. We are on this journey together, and it isn’t black and white.

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ABOUT ELLIE: Ellie is the Editor of the Family Room at BonBon Break and blogs at Musing Momma, where she shares inspiration for happy parenting and reflects on life as momma in a mixed race family.  Ellie has a Ph.D. in psychology and counseled children and families for several years before changing paths to spend more time with her family. She resides in central Pennsylvania with her husband, their two adorably mischievous boys (ages 4 and 7), and their sweet, arthritic dog (age 84, in dog years).

Follow Ellie on Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest. You can subscribe to her blog right here. 

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The post To The Moms Suing Their Sperm Bank first appeared on BonBon Break.