Comments on: 4 Things I’ve Learned from My Friends’ Divorces by Ellie of Musing Momma

By: Areina

Areina — Mon, 22 Jun 2015 10:09:29 +0000

Yes, communication is key to any relationship, but what happens when it is used to degrade, name calling and shame. At what point do you say, this is a dangerous situation. Here you thought you were with some one who promised to have and to hold, through it all and now wants to hurt you for the sake of their own insecurities.
Being in an abusive relationship has left me scared for life. I have moved on and remarried, but those feelings are always there. No kind of communication can fix that.

By: Sandra

Sandra — Wed, 01 Oct 2014 08:14:19 +0000

Being in the midst of a very nasty, drawn out divorce I can easily say that communication is key even when the relationship is over. My situation is that my children are grown, both in their early 20’s. Unfortunately information that should only be between myself and my ex was thrust upon both my children. My ex decided they were adults and as such they should know all the details. My marriage was mentally and emotionally abusive in the end and in an attempt to continue the circle, my children were pulled in. There are details of marriage that your children don’t need to know no matter what their age; they are still your children. There is nothing to be gained in the end by trying to make one parent look like an angel and the other a monster. There is nothing to be gained by pitting child against a parent. Unfortunately this happens all too often in divorce. In my case it was after a 25 year marriage and it took less than a year to destroy (albeit I am hoping not completely) relationship between us and our children. My ex succeeded in putting a wedge between our children and me but in doing so also degraded their relationships with him and each other. Communication is key but we also need to be very aware of what needs to be communicated and to whom.

By: BBL: Ellie C - Musing Momma - BonBon Break

BBL: Ellie C - Musing Momma - BonBon Break — Fri, 12 Sep 2014 17:19:32 +0000

[…] 4 Things I’ve Learned from My Friends’ Divorces […]

By: Ellie C

Ellie C — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 19:09:24 +0000

In reply to Susan Maccarelli.

Thanks, Susan! I never thought about it from the other side – communication maybe helping things end more quickly – but that makes sense too!

By: Ellie C

Ellie C — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 19:08:45 +0000

In reply to moonbird.

You make some excellent points. Thank you for sharing them! I agree that the communication piece has to be a two-way street…it doesn’t work if one person does a great job sharing and listening, but the other person doesn’t. There has to be an equal investment on both sides.

I think you are right that sometimes there are just fundamental compatibility issues and communication isn’t going to smooth those away. I guess I was thinking of it from the angle of, in the absence of real deal-breakers or incompatibilities, maybe communication can help keep things from falling apart in that slow way that seems to happen to some couples.

I love your point about hugs. 🙂

By: Susan Maccarelli

Susan Maccarelli — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 18:54:05 +0000

I was married for a few years before getting married to my current husband and for my experience, your article is spot on. Communication is everything. Looking back, I think if we had both been really good communicators, it would have ended sooner or never have gotten to getting married in the first place oddly. Communication is huge in picking the person you can stay married to I think and I would have said I was a good communicator before, but I honestly don;t even think I knew what that meant.

By: moonbird

moonbird — Sun, 23 Feb 2014 09:26:04 +0000

As you ask here for the opinion of people which have gone through it. I think many people who were getting divorced tried these or similar things, often for many many years. So to be blunt (sorry), I think it often does not work that way and most likely there is no 100% recipe. What if you communicate your needs/feeling etc. but it is simply not what the other wants to do? Or if the other even does it to do you a favor, but it always shines very obviously through that she/he does not really want to do so? Can you enjoy that? Do you still want it? Or the other way around: What if you listen to your partners needs, but she/he is asking something of you that really does not feel right to you at all? Are you doing it? If yes, how does this feel like? What if partners do not develop in the same direction, but change very much from the way they were when they got to know each other? – To name just some of the many unanswered questions arising when I read this text. So communication surly is important but its just a pice in the whole thing.

Some more points that at least for my opinion can be helpful: Take care of you more by yourself. Do not expect the other to make you happy. Good to do things regularly that you enjoy (an interesting job, sports, going out etc.), if you are more happy you have to give more – to your family and to yourself. If your partner wants to join you for these activities, wonderful, if not, do it alone or with friends (without blaming the partner for not wanting to). Do not do things you really do not want to. See more (and enjoy) the things you like in your partner than focusing on the things you do not like. Let your partner know what is going on for you, but do not discuss the same topic again and again. After you have communicated it, it is up to the other (hard enough to stand it). Better to focus on what you can do or learn out of the situation. (Of course usually both are responsible, but it simply most likely does not work to change the other…). And sometimes a hug melts the little daily problems away much better than any conversation ever could. Even if we do our very best, I believe it is healthy to understand that it is not all in our hands. We are just humans, we all make mistakes and life and love can be unpredictable, so probably a good idea not to take the other for granted.

By: Ellie {Musing Momma}

Ellie {Musing Momma} — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 19:18:26 +0000

In reply to Eddy Brown.

Eddy, you raise a really important point – communication alone is not enough. There are deal breakers in any relationship. And character is definitely paramount, too – because how do we handle those times when we do feel dissatisfied (which happens at some point for most couples)? I guess I am coming from the angle of, all other things being equal, how we communicate with our partners is a really important part of being able to work through the things that can build up over time and lead a person to emotionally disengage from a marriage. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It is valuable to hear from people who have been through a divorce firsthand.

By: Eddy Brown

Eddy Brown — Sat, 22 Feb 2014 18:14:57 +0000

My adult daughter posted she had read this. Since she has suffered much from her (my and her father’s) family’s divorce I felt I should read it. I found it interesting. I also noticed an emphasis on “important” things one must be educated in watching out for. (Poorly put on my part, I apologize.) I think for many, however, it isn’t as complicated as this. It would be much easier for adult children to understand that after 30+ years of marriage, what truly matters is character. Since partners have been through incredible things together, one’s character shows. How one handles the many, many events over the years of their relationship is paramount. Does one have integrity or not? Simple as that.