Rant of the Day – Bathing Suit Shopping!

Allison Arnone

If you’re one of those people who has no issues when it comes to shopping for beachwear?  Consider yourself lucky.
Also?  Go to hell.

Last summer, my girlfriends and I sat on the beach and discussed how we should plan a ‘girl’s trip’ somewhere the following year. We always say we want to do it but never do, we thought.  We need to book something.

Here we are, almost a year later, and we actually DID book that trip.  In a few weeks a bunch of us will be headed to Miami, Florida for some R&R, fun in the sun, and maybe even a couple GNOs (Girl’s Night Out).  I CANNOT WAIT.

But like most girls, before a vacation I decide I need an entire arsenal of new outfits and shoes and accessories; as the ones I have just aren’t going to cut it.  So I bought dresses.  Rompers.  Cute clothes in vibrant colors.  I am Miami READY.

…But wait!  I forgot something.  I should probably pick up a couple new bathing suits, too.  And just like that, my excitement for my beachy vacay rapidly turned into dread. 

Because I. HATE. Bathing. Suit. Shopping.

I’m gonna be honest with you cause we’re all friends here:  I don’t have a flat chest.  I have the opposite of that.  Some girls with smaller boobs may be rolling their eyes right now thinking I’m doing a nice big ol’ #HumbleBrag, but I’m not.  When it comes to shopping – ESPECIALLY bathing suits – this is often a problem.  A huge (pun intended) problem.


There’s a huge selection of bikini tops I can’t wear.  I laugh at your stringy triangle tops.  Bandeau’s (fancy word for “strapless”) surprisingly often work, but 95% of stores carry ones the size of cocktail napkins and I laugh at those, too.  I NEED AN INDUSTRIAL SIZED BANDEAU.  Push-up bathing suit tops?  GET OUT OF MY FACE.  Just go.

For every 15 I try on, I don’t hate ONE.  I grab a handful of suits and walk into the dressing room (or try on at home if I got them online); hopeful that at least one will work.  I’m not asking for a lot here; I just don’t want to scare little children or look like Anna Nicole Smith when lounging on the beach with friends and family.  And then comes the disappointment.  GOD I hate this one.  I CANNOT wear this.  This one doesn’t fit.  EW EW EW EW EW.  WHY CAN’T WE BRING BACK THOSE OLD FASHIONED BATHING SUITS THAT WOMEN WORE BACK IN THE DAY?!bathing suit shopping rant

welcome to Miami; Bienvenido a Miami… 

Sizing is way off.  I don’t get it.  Who’s calculating this shit?  I’ve been wearing bikinis for like, fifteen years and still have no clue what size I am.  At one store I’m a large and then at another I’m a small (OK, I’m never a small).  I thought I hit the swimwear jackpot when stores started introducing bra size bathing suits – I’m looking at YOU, Victoria’s Secret – and when one was delivered to my apartment this week I took it out and saw the Jr. High-style PADDING in the top.  SERIOUS padding.  Padding that says, “I have no boobs so please just create them for me in this bathing suit; no one will ever suspect a thing.

Well that’s great, except, I’m gonna let YOU in on a little secret, Victoria: WOMEN WHO ARE A 34-D DON’T NEED PADDING.   If I could describe the bathing suit to you in one word it would be: “offensive.”  If I took a picture of it to show you in this blog it would immediately get flagged as a porn site.  So.  No.

People forget this… but bathing suits are SUPPOSED to be functional.  Look, we’re all not Kate Upton.  Well, unless you ARE Kate Upton to which my next question would be: how’d you find my blog?  The truth is we’re not doing photoshoots rolling around in the sand looking seductive and defying gravity and wearing full faces of makeup at the ocean.  When I go to the beach or the pool, I plan on going in the water.  Have you ever been in an ocean before?  If you haven’t, there are something called WAVES – and these waves can be rough and violent and if you’re not wearing a bikini that fits?  That thing will fly off in an instant.  I don’t need to look matronly and wear a damn muumuu when lounging at the beach or poolside, but my God, can’t I get something with a little coverage?  

So here we are, three weeks before my Miami trip and all I have are two bathing suits I need to return.  I’m getting that defeated feeling I get every year where I just want to give up and scratch the process entirely.  Either that, or…do I have time for a breast reduction before June 5?

*Oh, and I ALSO want to stress that bikini tops aren’t my sole issue.  I also tried on a bathing suit on at Victoria’s Secret recently that *actually* fit me on top but the only available matching bottoms were practically a thong.  I walked out of the door in a fit of rage.

OK LADIES: I need your help.  WHERE ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH DO YOU BUY BATHING SUITS?  Lemme know in the comments.  

I just want to stop having this reaction for once:


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Oh mama...it is THAT time of year. We've got your back. Ahem.


Allison is a 32 year old New Yorker with a lot to say. Check out her Tumblr blog to find personal stories, photography, humor, music, rants and inane rambling.