I Take Medication for My Anxiety and I’m Not Ashamed

There was a time in my journey to wellness when I was ashamed of taking medications to treat my bipolar disorder and anxiety.

Now this is me:

This is me accepting the fact that I am increasing one of my medications again even though we were working on decreasing them.

And do you know what?

I am perfectly okay with that.

Because anxiety is happening all day long – while I’m cooking, driving, sitting here breathing, even while I’m sleeping, it just slithers its way in and sits on my chest, grips my throat, and places horrible, no-good thoughts in my mind that shouldn’t be there.

I want to take a shower without worrying about falling into the shower curtain and suffocating my face in it. I don’t want to panic over folding the towels perfectly four times over because who knows what catastrophic thing might happen if the seams aren’t aligned. I would love to be able to make simple decisions like the pink bra or the white one. And honestly, does it even matter? I don’t even have boobs so are bras necessary? Yes.

I want to stop being scared while grocery shopping because there’s nothing to be scared of. I know this. Elderly people maneuvering shopping carts aren’t that gangster. I would love to watch my son play hockey (in the summer yes, weird I know) and not worry when he’s at camp or at my mom’s or just not with me.

And I’d love to not have to linger near the bathroom because I feel like I’m on the verge of vomiting or passing out or having a heart attack. Do you know what it feels like to go through the motions of dying when you’re not actually dying?

Those pills – with the combination of all the things I already do – they are going to help me.

I have hope in that.

There is no shame in taking medications for your mind.

You did not choose this.

You’re not weak.

You’re sick.

You need help and that’s ok because sometimes people get hemorrhoids and they need help with medications too.

Sometimes they are just assholes though. 

Maybe they should eat some kiwi.

You’re doing the best you can and so am I.

One day at a time.

And that’s good enough.

No matter how hard my illness forces itself to be recognized and to be in control, I  guarantee you that I, along with the help of medications, will be fighting back harder.

This post was syndicated with permission to BonBon Break Media, LLC.

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