The holidays mean war.
War on your waistline!
Delicious pastries and candy and appetizers and creamy alcoholic beverages surround you, overwhelming your sense of restraint! It is impossible not to submit to their overwhelming scrumptiousness.
Their calories then gain control of your metabolism and manufacture armies of evil pounds. These pounds then engage in a vicious campaign known as Operation Fatass.
And they will not stop until they have conquered your belly and thighs as well.
By the start of December you look like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Woman. Your skinny jeans fit snugger than sausage casings. You fear for friends’ eyes, lest your pants buttons pop off, ricochet around the room and leave them blind.
THERE IS A SOLUTION.
Momsanity Holiday Edition – the brilliant new exercise regimen that converts the rituals of the season into a vigorous and effective workout.
Benefit from mind-blowing exercises such as:
Add a few choice dance/exercise moves to your favorite carols. Why sit around singing when you can shake your groove thing, annoy your children and burn calories too?!
Do the cabbage patch to “Little Drummer Boy!” or “Jingle Bell Rock” — raise the roof, y’all! And we here at Momsanity are big fans of doing the running man while singing “Deck the Halls!”
Beautiful carols and exercise? That’s a holi-do!
HOLIDAY CARD LUNGES
You have just received a card from your slacker of a former college roommate, whose family in the last year, has enjoyed more success than you have in your entire life.
Slap your hand to your forehead at life’s unfairness. Wonder why your preschooler’s major achievement thus far is being the first child in his class to eat paste. Lunge around the house, bemoaning your very existence, for a minimum of ten minutes.
Christmas shopping is intense. You trudge through parking lots and malls the size of Kansas. You stand in lines longer than a Mafia funeral procession. And if someone gets the last box of the Mega Blocks your kid has been dying for, you may have to clock someone.
Try shoplifting! Sculpt sinewy muscles by lifting large items over your head! Grab some giant candy canes and do sidebends! Try standing shoulder presses with a barrel of popcorn. A clean and jerk with a life-sized Nutcracker!
Please note, Momsanity shoplifting DOES NOT involve items leaving the store! We DO NOT want your version of Momsanity II to be dodging a shiv happy bunkmate at the state pen
THE CHRISTMAS PINTEREST RUN
Sprint around your neighborhood looking for natural decorations – branches, pine cones, sprigs of holly – with which to festoon your home in the most delightfully pinworthy fashion! We all know how important it is to model for our children the satisfaction and beauty of homespun, organic crafts!
Make Martha Stewart proud — no, make her downright awe-struck– of your decorating chops. . . and get fit while you do so!
Your child refuses to wear the expensive, fit-for-royalty outfit you purchased for her. Or she petulantly proclaims, “NO! I wanted Photo Fashion Barbie!” and hurls poor video ho Barbie against the wall. Walk away from her, being sure to keep your core engaged and to breathe to engage the deepest abdominal muscles. Find a place and begin jumping up and down. Raise your knees high! Flap your arms like wings as you jump! For three minutes at least. (Please don’t pass out)
When hosting a dinner for the whole family you want everything to be perfect. You want guests to feel admiration — with a just a tinge of envy — when they survey your home.
In your living/dining area, rearrange every piece of furniture a minimum of three times to conceal the fact that as the mother of small children, your furniture looks like cast-offs from a preschool frat house.
You simply CANNOT let nasty ol’ Aunt Ruth-Anne (who has never liked you since you were three and you told her she had a big boonda) think that you didn’t amount to much!
THE PARTY CONTRACT
You know how it goes. There you are at a school event, standing there enjoying yourself, and next thing you know you’re trapped like a mink, talking to the most God-I’d-Like-To-Slap-That-Face parent since Little House on the Prairie’s Mrs. Harriet Olsen.
What to do?
Simply contract, i.e. engage, various muscle groups in your body isometrically, i.e., without moving. Be sure to grimace dramatically as you do. Hopefully, Mr. or Mrs. Horrible will think you are about to let one rip or even soil yourself and move on!
Momsanity Holiday Edition is a killer workout that uses the Holidays themselves to make you a lean, mean, Mommy machine.
No special equipment, no gym visits and no childcare necessary!
Momsanity is NOT your ordinary exercise regimen. Rather, it is a movement to make moms crazy fit.
You MUST join this holiday season! Momsanity. The workout where you use motherhood to look like you never even had kids!
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ABOUT KEESHA: Keesha Beckford is a former professional dancer who is currently a master dance teacher in the Chicago area. She blogs to keep her creative juices flowing, and to explore the question “How does she do it?” for herself and other moms in the arts. Read more at Mom’s New Stage.